Naruto: The Comedic Adaption
by Ez25
Summary: An abridged Naruto series. Follow Naruto and the others as we'll retell the story with a few laughs and a few twists and turns of our own. Warning, language
1. Chapter 1

**Naruto: The Comedic Adaptation**

 **Chapter 1**

 _ **A/N:**_ **What's up everybody! Not much to really say since it's an opening chapter and well… the summary kind of covers it. Don't worry, I know there's a lot of making fun of Naruto in this first one but honestly this chapter barely features anyone else. Normally it won't be aimed almost completely at one character like this xD This story shouldn't really be taken seriously in the first place but… I'm sure someone will find a way.**

 **Also, we just want to let you guys know right now… This story is being written by 2 people. We're rl friends and don't have seperate names to go by for this but yeah, Ez is two people and we're just hoping to have some fun with this and hope you do as well.**

 **At any rate, enjoy**

Naruto's palm slammed down on his alarm clock as he jarred himself awake and groaned; he always hated early mornings. It took all but twenty seconds for him to remember what day it was and suddenly he found a well of energy and leapt right out of bed. He hurriedly got dressed and headed his way to the kitchen; it was going to be a special day. Today… He would finally become a ninja!

"Wow milk cheese day and the Genin Exam lined up perfectly today!"

" _Naruto if you eat that I will personally mess you up and fail you dumbass, that's gross and I have to suffer through it."_

"Caroma, MILK CHEESE AND RA-!"

" _HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU IT'S NOT CAROMA!"_

"I don't have to listen you, you're my second voice and that makes me smarter than you."

Kurama to himself " _They should have just let him stab the baby._ "

"Why does my milk cheese and ramen taste weird today…"

" _Shut up!_ "

Naruto tuned out his grumpy second voice, finished his breakfast and moved along.

Meanwhile, other academy students made their way to the school as well.

"Billboard brow! You're actually going to try and pass the Genin Exam? That's pretty confident of you… Considering you aren't actually good at anything!" A blonde gal called out to a pink haired girl of the same age.

"Shut up Ino-PIG! I'm great at a lot of things!"

Ino snorted, "Name one? If there's anything I must've missed it when I was busy _talking to Sasuke_."

"YEAH RIGHT-YOU WISH!"

"Ah, ha so you do admit you're good for nothing."

Sakura's face flushed, realizing she walked into that one, "I'll prove I'm _faster_ than you right now!"

Ino's eyes met hers and hardened, the two rivals riled up yet again, "You're on."

A moment of silence passed, and the next thing they knew they were both sprinting towards the school, elbowing and shoving at each other along the way and dodging civilians.

The race was going about even as the school came into view when Sakura made a mistake and rammed right into something orange…

"Oww my head!"

"What? Naruto you IDIOT!"

Kurama huffed, " _Tell the bitch off."_

Ignoring his inner voice once again, Naruto glared at his crush, "What did I do? YOU ran into me!" He retorted.

"Shut up you idiot you could pay more attention and I never would have touched you! But noo you have to act just like you do in school and be totally oblivious!"

"Hey, that's mean."

" _No shit, it's an insult you moron."_

"Shut up Caroma that was mean too."

Sakura just stared at him, "What..?"

" _GOD DAMN IT Naruto. "_

* * *

Sakura was greeted with Ino sticking her tongue out and making a 'V' sign at her, "Told you forehead girl, you're not good at anything!"

Sakura scowled, "Oh give it a rest Ino, you got lucky! _Someone_ ran into me!" She complained, jolting a thumb at Naruto.

"Hey that wasn't my fault! And I don't appreciate being blamed… But anyway that's not true at all Ino! Sakura's great at a lot of things!"

"Name one," Ino repeated, stifling her laughter at the class joke being stuck in the middle of this.

"Well uhmm…"

*crickets*

"Damn it Naruto!" Sakura barked, smacking the blonde boy on that head, "You can't even think of ONE nice thing to say about me!"

"Aw, cute now you guys sound like a couple. That's cool… Not really. But if it keeps you away from _my Sasukeee…_ "

The boy she mentioned sat across the room, alone. He glanced in their general direction but said nothing, wishing they would all burst in flames and stop annoying him.

The class was filled with a stone-cold breeze when Iruka sensei walked into the room.

"Hey class I'm your incompetent teacher and today is the Genin Exam."

"Our incompetent what?" a bewildered Shikamaru said.

"I'm also here," Mizuki added unimportantly.

"Anyways we are going to do this the most efficiently as possible. Sasuke, you're up first and Naruto… your last."

" _Naruto, are you going to speak up for yourself?_ "

"What do you mean? I get more time to think of this hard jutsu."

" _Iruka called himself incompetent and your last… You know what? There's no point in arguing with you; I almost forgot that I was not going to help you."_

One by one, all thirty-three ninja hopefuls that possessed better grades than Naruto took on the three stages of the genin exam. The sections for the test were taijutsu, ninjutsu and a written portion with three questions that were fairly basic. Well, actually pretty much everything about the exam was basic, it's not like this test mattered anyway; whatever students passed would have to impress a jonin afterwards in a different test sooo this didn't really mean shit. Were they gonna tell the kids that? Ha, hell no.

"Okay Naruto get up here," Iruka called out.

Naruto nodded and came up with confidence radiating off of him, it was his time to shine! "Let's do this!"

"...Sure," Iruka replied, " Let's start with the ninjutsu part; I'm gonna need you to perform the clone jutsu for me."

Naruto froze in place at that, "Cl-Clone jutsu… Right… No problem…" slouching more than Shikamaru.

"Is there something wrong?"

Naruto wiped the doubt off his face and stood himself upright, "Wha? Of course not! Piece of cake! I'm gonna pass this test like its nothing! BELIEVE IT!"

* * *

"IT WAS THE MILK CHEESE AND RAMEN THAT MADE ME FAIL! Carma told me he wouldn't help if I ate it. isn't there anything else I can do to pass?" He asked no one in particular, not even noticing Mizuki's ominous approach.

Mizuki half grins "You know Naruto, there is one thing you can do to become a Genin."

" _This sounds like a trap Naruto."_

"Shut up Corona, it's your fault I'm even in this situation."

" _GAHH, What did you call me? First off… That's STILL wrong you idiot! Second off, if anything that would be a girl's name."_

"Hey that would kind of make sense if it was a girl's voice suppressed inside me."

" _HOW would that make sense!?"_

Naruto shrugged, "I don't know, just does."

Mizuki had no idea what Naruto was talking about and just stared at him as if he were completely insane. _What girl's voice? What the fuck_.

 _The Third Hokage thought this inbred of a child had potential to be a ninja._

"Alright Naruto, what you need to do is steal a recipe hidden in the Hokage's office. It is marked as Forbidden Shadow Clone Jutsu"

Naruto's face brightened, "For real? What kind of recipe? Is it ramen? OOOhhh OOOhh is it a recipe for milk cheese?" Naruto's second voice inwardly groaned but he ignored it.

"I… Will tell you what the recipe is for AND teach it to you if you succeed in bringing it to me."

"Okay this sounds easy," Naruto crossed his arms, "I'll bring you that recipe in no time, believe it!"

" _You're an idiot."_ Kurama grumbled.

* * *

The leader of the Akamichi clan cries out, "That dumb kid stole the Hokage's Forbidden Scroll, we need everyone to go search for him before he escapes the village"

A random genin replies back "Shut up fatass."

A nearby ANBU squad looked on as Choza beat the living fuck out of that poor genin and then looked at each other, "Nah sorry, coffee break."

"But this is INCREDIBLY important!" Some chunin pleaded.

"Yeah… I don't know man, it's just a scroll, and that kid's pretty retarded; I don't want my coffee getting cold over this," Another ANBU agreed.

"But what if he's using the scroll for diabolical purposes at this very moment to get revenge on the Leaf village?"

Meanwhile where Naruto is…

"Man, I thought this recipe might be for Doritos what the hell is this useless shit?"

" _Naruto, I bet you can't learn that jutsu."_

"Cortana, I'll learn this jutsu faster than you can say your name, you better believe it"

" _I'm not sure what's worse… How far off the names are getting or that statement."_

Naruto on his second attempt manages to create twenty-one clones. His first attempt was just filled with gang signs instead of actual hand signs, "Yeaahh! Look at that Kurnizzle in your faceee! Hit me!" He celebrated with his equally immature clones.

 _For once this fool did something impressive without using my chakra… hmm maybe I should give him a taste to reward him, even though he will do some really dumb shit and possibly die- wait that would be good if he died, "Naruto, I will help you for now."_

"Shut up Catrina."

" _Don't make this harder on yourself."_

Mizuki spots Naruto running through the tree line with the scroll and he pulls out his big ass shuriken and chucks it at Naruto. _It was just a shadow clone, wait a minute that idiot learned the scroll?_

A normal sized shuriken is now thrown at Mizuki, he dodges and throws another big ass shuriken. The big ass shuriken dissipates and turns into a much bigger disappointment. "Oh it's you Iruka."

"Yeah I was just hiding in the armory as a giant shuriken, why am I being thrown to Naruto?"

"Didn't you hear? He stole the scroll."

"How can that idiot steal something that is guarded tight? You're not making any sense and now I will have to apprehend you."

Elsewhere… *sip* "Love this coffee."

"Fuck you Iruka, you are literally the worst ninja at the Academy, it would be Naruto but you know that impotent dumbass can't be a ninja."

They spot another Naruto getting mad at the rendezvous location Mizuki told Naruto to be at. "Wait so it wasn't a Shadow Clone made by him, then who are you, imposter?"

"Shadow Paralysis jutsu, complete," Shikaku traps Mizuki, knowing that Iruka wouldn't be dumb enough to expect Naruto to steal a scroll.

Iruka approaches Naruto and asks why and what made him steal the scroll. "I thought this was a Dorito recipe when I stole it, Mizuki told me if I take it I would become a genin", Iruka starts crying over how stupid Naruto is.

"All I got was this stupid clone jutsu from it."

Shikaku and Mizuki leave with ANBU restraining Mizuki and the Third Hokage approaches Naruto right as he creates over a thousand clones. "I had lost my faith in this boy multiple times and he proves to me that even the town idiot can do something great. Iruka I want you to be this boys Giant shuriken."

"Wait I thought you were talking about Naruto there."

"No, this child actually has potential unlike you where you only found an ounce of usability as a Giant shuriken. Now Iruka, remove your headband and turn into the Giant shuriken so I can seal you."

"But… Why do I have to remove my headband?"

"Why do you need it? You're going to be a shuriken; Naruto needs it more than you do."

After Iruka followed his final orders, pitiful as they were, the Hokage now gives the Giant shuriken and headband to Naruto, these are your gifts for graduating Ninja Academy.

"Ah man, this is going to be useless to me," He said of the Giant shuriken, "I don't even use stuff like that. But at least I finally can wear _this_!" He exclaimed proudly, dawning the Leaf forehead protector for the very first time, "I'm a ninja now, believe it!"

 _ **A/N:**_ **Hope you enjoyed! Looking forward to the first reviews. And yes, Iruka really is going to be a shuriken**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

 _ **A/N:**_ **What's up people!**

 **Just want to give a quick apology to big Sakura fans, we really hate how she acts EARLY in the story so we're being a bit bashful towards her but hey it's an abridged story so it can't be that shocking eh?**

 **At any rate, hope you enjoy!**

The mysterious masked jonin, Kakashi Hatake stared down the genin trio with his lone eye appearing bored, resting his hands in his pockets casually as the group stood in silence atop the roof of the academy. Everyone's thoughts in the moment were quite different…

 _Man this guy took three hours to get here now I'm starving! I can barely even think straight right now._ Naruto inwardly complained.

" _What makes right now an exception?"_ Kurama snorted.

Sasuke eyed Kakashi with an impassive face but he was getting impatient. _What was the point of coming up to the roof if you're just going to stand there?_

 _Why does he wear that mask? I wonder if he's cute!_ Sakura wondered, but her inner counterpart was having none of it… _WHAT? He's like old enough to be our dad; Sasuke's way better! CHA!_

"Why don't we all introduce ourselves… I'll go first to set an example."

 _Because no one has ever introduced themself before…_ Sasuke deadpanned.

"My name is Kakashi Hatake, I like reading porn. Your turn."

 _Porn? Sounds like really good food, I wonder if Sakura would want me to make some for her?_ Naruto thought to himself.

 _Oh great! First they stick me with that idiot Naruto now I find out my sensei's a God damn pervert._ Sakura thought with a closed fist.

Taking initiative, Sasuke spoke up first, "My name… Is Sasuke Uchiha. I have no likes; only preferences and goals. What I have is a dream because I will make it a reality… I'm going to avenge my clan, and destroy a certain person…"

Sakura jumped in next, "I'm going to get married to Sasuke and have a kid with him and let him name it Salad because all I care about is being with Sasuke," Sakura says as she starts giggling in excitement. She was so obsessed with her 'lover,' that she didn't even remember to state her damn name.

 _I'm going to leave a teammate to die someday,_ Sasuke crossed his arms with a look of disgust, and he didn't even know which one it would be first.

"My name is Naruto Uzumaki and my favorite food is Ramen and milk cheese, although I've started to think the milk cheese has been giving me the shits. I hate the time it takes to cook the ramen because I'm usually starving… Also, I hate my second voice, he's such a dick! One day I'm going to be Hokage and people will like me, you better believe it!"

" _... Naruto, I have a better chance at reviving and killing Madara than you becoming the Hokage."_

Sakura perked up at the 'second voice,' thing, wondering if Naruto had the same… issue that she had, but kept her mouth shut because she was embarrassed by it and didn't want people to know.

"Second what? Nevermind. I don't want to know actually…" Sasuke dismissed.

 _Oh thank goodness I didn't say anything!_ Sakura cast her eyes to the ground, Sasuke would think she's a freak if she told her about 'Inner Sakura!'

 _This squad is already giving me an aneurysm,_ was Kakashi's only thought on their introductions.

"I was told by Lord Third that two of you have potential into becoming good shinobi and denied me access to my bells… As you may not know I had former genin assigned to me go back to the academy because they failed the test. I can notice off the bat that Sasuke is one of the ones he is talking about."

"Isn't he GREAT!" Sakura agreed.

" _Is she retarded?"_ Kurama mumbled.

"And I'm already assuming he is also talking about Naruto…" Kakashi deadpanned at her complete disregard for anything that was going on that didn't pertain to her precious Sasuke.

"I can't believe Lord Hokage is making me do this; I already miss being an ANBU… Constantly doing missions hoping I would just hurry up and die already," Kakashi complained.

" _Ha, I like him, why couldn't they put me in him?"_ Kurama commented.

"What are you talking about?" Naruto replied Kurama.

Thinking that it was directed at him, Kakashi answers, "Everyone I care about is dead; I wish I could join them but I'm not gonna just stab myself and dishonor their sacrifices. Now I envy them all… They didn't have to babysit a bunch of morons that haven't even hit puberty yet."

" _Naruto do us all a favor and unseal me so I can seal myself into him," said an angry Karuma._

* * *

"Wasn't that our sixth mission to find that same poor cat this week?" Sakura claimed.

"We don't even have a person with a tracking skillset," Sasuke groaned.

"I don't understand why she still has a cat if it hates her so much. It was easy the first time to capture but then it knew that we were sending it back and it almost ruined my hair."

Naruto glanced her way with his open eye with an annoyed expression, "At least it didn't almost claw your eye out."

Kakashi interrupts them, "Well she does pay good money and is like 50% of genin income."

"At least the cat doesn't need anything removed," Sasuke mused…

"Oh God, don't even talk about _that_ mission," Naruto grimaced, "His breath was so bad that I had to use my shadow clone and even he left."

"Was that before or after that milk cheese you talk about?" Sasuke interjects.

"...After," Naruto realized.

Kakashi was very confused, "I don't remember any of this?"

"Maybe you should get your face away from the porn! Who even writes that junk?" Sakura snapped.

"Oh just a legendary sannin."

 _Wow a strong shinobi with a passion for cooking, that's a man that I want to learn from_ Naruto says to himself.

Sasuke smirked when he began recalling the 'mission,' from a couple days ago, "A dog swallowed a news scroll and we were assigned to… Retrieve it."

"And then the bastard said we were going to my house; but he wouldn't explain why!" Naruto carried the explanation on.

"I had to experience the unfortunate lesson on how to make milk cheese and ramen so we could feed it to the dog…" Sasuke finished.

"Isn't my Sasuke smart sensei!"

Kakashi's lone eye twitched in sync with Sasuke's and he made a decision, "I think we're ready for a C-Rank now."

"C-Rank? We've been slaving on these dumb D-Ranks, why can't we get a A-Rank or even an S-Rank?" a frustrated Naruto states.

"Because that would only accomplish killing all of you, and then the Hokage would make me teach a different three brats. Why should I have to restart this tedious process?"

"But you haven't taught us anything… I own a shuriken that has taught me more than you."

"Very funny, Naruto… Very funny."

"No for real! I'm being serious; he wants to talk, look," He insisted, pulling a big ass shuriken out.

"Guys he's telling the truth, I'm your old teacher Iruka; I'm finally competent now."

"I better mute him again before he starts lecturing again…."

* * *

Kakashi's team was traveling to the Land of Waves, escorting a client back to his homeland so that he could build a bridge. Once there, team seven would guard him and his workers until the bridge was fully complete and be on their way.

Sakura rested one hand on her hip, "We finally got a real mission."

"Yay… Escort the drunk ass old man back to his country," Naruto replied unenthusiastically, "That stupid cat will probably give us more action than this mission."

"Focus loser, if you don't stay on your guard we just might fail the mission," Sasuke interjected.

"Shut up bastard! Who would want to kill this dumbass anyway?"

"I can hear you y'know," the drunk replied.

Naruto shot the old man an angry look,"But can you read? Probably not, you can barely walk straight!"

"Enough fighting, the quicker we can get this mission back the faster I can be away from all of you little shits" Kakashi interrupts.

"Wouldn't it be faster if we sobered him up?" Naruto countered.

"I am sober, I only had five drinks," the drunkard says as he passes out.

"God damn it," Kakashi facepalmed.

* * *

Some time later... "Okay, so we're all set to go then?... Again?" Kakashi rounded them up.

"Yes sensei," only Sakura bothered to reply.

"Wait… Where's the rest of my booze?" the old drunk realized.

"YOU DRANK IT ALL DUMBASS!" Naruto replied.

"Oh… well that makes it 15 drinks."

"Wow, just wow."

"Thanks it comes from my years of training."

"I'm not wowing at the amount you drank, I'm wowing over how stupid you are."

" _You're one to talk Naruto."_

Sasuke raised an eyebrow at that, "Naruto 'wowing' over another's stupidity? Congratulations you've just pulled a rare achievement."

"Woo nice zinger Sasuke!" Sakura beamed like a cheerleader.

"Oh for God's sakes let's get a move on," Kakashi muttered, unable to take this any longer.

The group only traveled for about fifteen minutes before Kakashi noticed a puddle up ahead. _It hasn't rained in like… Oh shit. A trap! I better warn them and… Or I could not do anything, and hope only Sakura dies so I don't have to listen to that horrid fangirling._ The group passes by the puddle as if it held no significance, no one other than Kakashi even paying it mind.

Without warning, two ninja leapt out of the puddle with tremendous speed, firing chains from odd wrist gauntlets completely enveloping Kakashi's form and seemingly ripping him apart.

"One down," The first demon brother muttered and the two expertly surrounded their second target, which was Naruto and prepared to do the same to him.

Naruto found himself frozen in fear, but ironically it was Sasuke who intervened and sent the chains off their course, saving him before performing a badass acrobatic kick that dispelled both of them away. The brothers would not be deterred though, releasing their chains' connection to the gauntlets and split up. One of them went back for Naruto, the other targeted the bridge builder.

 _What do I do, what do I do?_ Sakura panicked, but instinctively put herself between the drunk and the attacker, a kunai in hand. Though brave, ultimately she was just getting in the way and both of them were going to die.

 _Perfect._ Kakashi thought from nearby.

Sasuke, seeing them in trouble then moved to position himself between the enemy and Sakura. _Damn it, can't let him do that…_ Kakashi decided, and reentered the conflict, making quick work of the two enemy ninja that apparently were from the Mist.

"Fuck they poisoned my hand," Naruto complained.

"Aw, you're not hurt are you? Maybe they wouldn't have injured you if you DODGED. Pussy," Sasuke smirked.

"Shut up you have no right to say that word Sasgay! You don't even like girls! Even though they all like you!"

The Uchiha laughed, "I'm not gay… You're confusing them liking me specifically for them liking people who aren't idiots."

Naruto pulled his kunai out, "Oh yeah? Well check this out! I can fix this all by myself!" He claimed, and stabbed his hand to get the poison out.

Sasuke groaned, how did he get stuck with such an idiot for a teammate, and the other one won't stop trying to get in his pants, "You idiot, you'll bleed out."

"No I won't!"

" _Yo fuck Uchihas am I right? Watch your hand heal right now."_

Naruto looks at his hand " _THE ONE THAT IS HURT,"_ Naruto looks at his injured hand. "Wow its like I didn't get stabbed- I mean… SEE Sasuke! Fuck you!"

All of Naruto's squadmates collectively stared at the completely healed hand with a 'what-the-fuck' look on their faces.

The drunk interrupts them "You know I've seen something close to this at a gentlemen's club once. Although I can't remember how, only where."

"What?" a confused Kakashi said.

"Nevermind that; you already got your fill of pervy stuff sensei. What I want to know is why we got attacked!" Sakura butt in.

"Oh those guy?" The drunk answered, "Didn't I mention them in my mission request?"

Everyone glared.

"Oh, guess I forgot. So basically, there's this douchebag that owns a huge company called Gato industries that doesn't want the bridge built and he hired shinobi to kill me."

"Well aren't you just a well of disappointment for our first legit mission. Seriously… So fucked up that you don't even know what you're paying for and you hire a bunch of rookies to do a mission we aren't even ready for," Sakura griped.

"B-But we get to fight shinobi. Isn't this like an A-Rank mission now? Fuck yeah!"

"You mean Kakashi and I do the fighting and you and Sakura stay frozen in fear."

 _We'll show him what we're made of next time! CHA!_

Naruto's face flushed with embarrassment, "That won't happen again, believe it!"

Sasuke rolled his eyes, "Eat my ass, I'm not going to be able to save you every time so you better drop the tough guy act and _do_ something next time."

" _So don't save him then, you Uchiha welp."_ Kurama mused.

"I won't need saving!" Naruto insisted, responding to the both of them in a way.

"Wait… Aren't we going home?" Sakura asked.

"Nope," Kakashi supplied, "I don't want to."

"Isn't that a terrible idea? C'mon Sasuke you know I'm right!" Sakura pleaded for him to speak up.

Naruto gestured a hand at himself,"I'm here too Sakura."

"I don't care!"

"No… I'm tired of capturing cats, err-The cat everyday and making dogs puke. Let's just do this, how bad could it get?" Sasuke insisted.

"We could all die," Kakashi stated cheerfully.

"Whatever, I'm not scared! Whoever this Gator guy hired better watch out! Naruto Uzumaki is on his way! Yeah! Believe it!"

"Um it's pronounced Gato…" The drunk corrected.

Naruto eyed the bridge builder with little patience,"What would you know, you can't remember shit."

"We're wasting time on our hopeful deaths, let's get moving," Kakashi tiringly interjects.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Kakashi's team was en route to the Land of Waves, fully aware of the potential dangers that lay ahead of them. The drunk of a bridge builder was uneasy, Sakura was focused on the mission instead of cosmetics or Sasuke, Sasuke was… Sasuke, and Naruto was determined to make up for his embarrassing display of hesitation when being targeted by the demon brothers.

At one point, his alertness caused him to hurl a kunai towards where he believed a threat was hiding from them in the bushes, only for it to be a harmless rabbit. Sakura rolled her eyes at her uneasy teammate,"Stupid Naruto you almost killed a rabbit!"

"I _was_ trying to kill the rabbit, I'm fucking hungry!"

"It's a fucking rabbit who cares if it dies, hmm I wonder if the rabbit had some sake on it," the sobered drunk says.

"What…?"

" _I wish someone would just kill that man, he's becoming more unpleasant than Naruto."_

"That doesn't even make sen-" Sakura began, but was interrupted by a zanbato flying right towards her and the drunk beside her.

"Move!" Sasuke warned, but they were ultimately pushed aside by Kakashi anyway, the sword burying itself into the tree, with the would-be assailant landing on top of the blade.

"Holy shit, look at that giant cleaver," Naruto pointed.

" _Naruto, it's like you're trying to disappoint me."_

"Well, well if it isn't porn ninja Kakashi; what a pleasant surprise," the rogue ninja said.

"And who the fuck are you?" a disgruntled Kakashi replied.

"The name is Zabuza, I would say demon of the mist, but you already met some incompetent ninja named demon so a quick name change to… Damn,

those idiots took my name."

"Wow the Hidden Mist is just handing out their legendary swords like candy now?" Kakashi mocked, eying the blade Zabuza remained standing on.

"Man, that cleaver's HUGE," Naruto repeated, "I guess he's compensating for something heh," he whispered to Sakura in a hushed voice, and she tried to stifle a giggle but couldn't despite the situation they found themselves in.

Kakashi fixes his headband and reveals his sharingan. "Why does everyone forget my real nickname, it's copy ninja Kakashi"

Sakura scowled, "Because your face is always stuck in a porn book, probably?"

"It's not just a porn book! It's-Nevermind that; we are in the middle of a fight."

Sasuke was infuriated, "WHY DO YOU HAVE A SHARINGAN?"

"Go ahead explain Kakashi," Zabuza permitted, "I admit I'm curious myself; you might as well fill the blanks for us all before I kill you."

"Alright, back when I first became a jonin I was leader of a three-man squad and my best friend, a Uchiha, was in the squad. The dumbass saved my life and gave me his eye as a gift for becoming a jonin."

"Wait does this mean Sasuke has a third eye too?" Naruto reacts.

"Where did you get that the third eye from Naruto?" a disturbed Sasuke replied.

"Sasuke let me see it; I want to see your third eye!"

" _Oh no, he's more special than I thought"_

Sasuke snarled, "No you can't see my 'third eye', but you can eat my ass!"

"Oh God, I knew it… You're gay," accused Naruto, oblivious to the glare Sakura was giving him.

"Ugh not this again; I told you I'm straight," Sasuke deflected, "Stop thinking about things so literally. Actually, just stop thinking, Naruto!"

"I regret being curious about your sharingan Kakashi, it would have been more pleasant if I would have just killed your genin first and then asked," Zabuza pointed out.

"Yeah well let's just fight now so they can stop talking about this," Kakashi nodded in agreement, "Okay team seven… STAY OUT OF THIS FIGHT!" He ordered loud and clear, and charged the rogue Mist ninja.

In the background the drunk found his hidden stash of alcohol in a tree hole. "Don't mind me over here, I found my sleep juice."

"No one is talking to you loser," Sakura replied.

Kakashi and Zabuza traded blows and jutsu in a stalemate, but it appeared the copy ninja's unique eye was giving him the edge. Zabuza heads to the pond with Kakashi following and prepares is water dragon jutsu and Kakashi is following his handsigns without missing a beat. Zabuza reengaged him in close up combat, attempting to slash right through the silver haired man but the sharingan was too good at anticipating the strikes. Fortunately, Zabuza had an emergency plan in place…

The real Zabuza switched places with a close he had hidden underwater and reemerged to trap Kakashi out of nowhere, "Water prison jutsu!" Zabuza yelled triumphantly, "I've got you now!"

 _Damn, he got me!_ Thought Kakashi. _It's all up to the genin to get me out of here or its all over for me._ Kakashi glanced in the direction of his greenhorn baby squad momentarily and resigned to his fate. _Hey, I finally get to die… I can't believe it took being removed from ANBU to teach a bunch of dumb brats that lets me escape this accursed world!_

"RUN! His water clone can't go that far from the original and he has to stay here to keep me entrapped, get out of here!" _And let me finally DIE!_

 _Ah this is great, no more bullshit. I'll finally get to see Rin, and Obito… Minato sensei… My father…. And NARUTO WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?_

"No way Kakashi-sensei! We can't leave you behind!"

 _GOD DAMN IT LET ME BE HAPPY!_ Kakashi seethed inwardly.

Naruto leaned in to whisper, "Sasuke… I have a plan."

Sasuke frowned, "No, you don't."

"Yes I do!"

" _Oh this'll be good… Hmpt."_

"Can I help?" a curious Sakura says.

"Stop talking," Sasuke demanded.

Eventually, after much resistance… Sasuke gave in to Naruto's pestering and they prepared to set the idea in motion, "You fools had your chance to run, now you die," Zabuza declared.

Out of nowhere a big ass shuriken comes flying to Zabuza, "GO Iruka-sensei!" Zabuza being the tough guy he is just fucking catches it. "One giant shuriken is not enough to defeat me. Wait why is this shuriken talking? Oh god it's annoying too." Zabuza was distracted long enough for another big ass shuriken to just decked iruka, "WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH!" Zabuza ordered as he points his right hand to them, "Oh shit I just released Kakashi…"

" _The contest on being idiot of the day so far, Drunk is third, you are second, and that Zabuza is first."_

Kakashi hastily got some distance between him and Zabuza, coughing profusely, "I almost drowned!"

"Thank goodness we managed to save you in time huh?" Naruto bragged.

"I DIDN'T SUGGEST I WAS PLEASED," Kakashi barked, so annoyed at how close he came to being marked on the memorial stone.

Zabuza sighed, "I can understand your pain now Kakashi, how can those inbreds trick me like that. Someone please kill me now!" a random senbon out of nowhere pierces Zabuza's neck.

"Well that was convenient," Sakura remarked.

Kurama laughed, " _And just like that, someone who JUST arrived has done more than her."_

"Shut up Carmelo, Sakura was protecting the drunk"

" _KURAMA!"_ The kyuubi corrected, " _And_ _from what? Himself_ ?"

"And who are you?" Kakashi says.

"I'm a Hidden Mist ANBU, I've been following the Demon of the Hidden Mist for quite some time now, this was the perfect opportunity to take him out," the mysterious ANBU replied.

"He doesn't want to be called that anymore! Just so you know," Naruto informed the foreign black op.

"..."

"What?" Naruto shrugged, "He made it very clear before he died."

"Shut up for once, idiot!" Sakura smacked him on the head.

" _Well he's right for once, welcome back to third."_

"What are you on about Katana?"

" _And just like that you're back to second,"_ Kurama growled.

"Zabuza's body contains many secrets of our village; I will take him with me and dispose of him," The Mist ANBU informed them.

Sakura curiously asks"Why can't you just bury him here?"

The drunk apparently thought it would be a good time to reinsert himself unnecessarily, "She into dead guys I bet, ha."

" _I'm debating whether he should be first place or second."_

"Wow, okay… If you have any non-lethal poison coated senbon, feel free to put him out," Sakura suggested, and a senbon quickly planted itself in the old drunkards neck as well.

"On behalf of _everyone,_ thanks," SASUKE of all people approved.

After the Mist ANBU took Zabuza and left, Kakashi's energy finally gave out and he collapsed asleep, damn non biological dojutsu, "Ah hell, now we have to carry _two_ people and I don't even know where we're supposed to go now," Sasuke grumbled irritably.

* * *

Kakashi's genin managed to get directions from the drunkard when he eventually woke and were now residing at his house in Wave. When Kakashi regained consciousness, he warned them that they screwed up, that was definitely _not_ a hunter ninja, and the bridge builder was likely still in danger. Kakashi was still resting a little more, but he decided to get up and instruct his pupils on something productive while he was still slightly out of commission. Tree walking.

"What's tree walking?" Naruto asked.

Kakashi gave him the smartass answer, "Walking… But on trees."

"Are we getting new shoes?" the lone female of the group perked up.

"Why couldn't Lord Hokage assign someone else to this squad?" Was all Sasuke had to say.

Team seven's sensei sighed and gave them a detailed explanation on how to infuse chakra in their feet and attempt the exercise and the three did their best to pay attention. Upon trying, Sasuke made it a few steps and began to slip down, Naruto used so much fucking chakra on his first step his tree straight up exploded and Sakura successfully walks up the tree.

"TIMBER!" Naruto shouted like he was having fun.

Kurama snaps at Naruto " _How are you and Sasuke worse than her? You're not only worse than her YOU DESTROYED A TREE. I'm surrounded by incompetence."_

"Well the only good thing that came from you Naruto is that we finally have wood to cook food, this village is crap." A somewhat amused Kakashi says.

"They didn't have firewood?"

"Well they did… But I don't have money like that on me. People are trying to rip everyone off because there's no bridge," Kakashi explained.

Sakura put her hands on her hips and scowled, "Aren't you going to say anything… _sensei?"_

"What?" He returned not comprehending, "Oh… Good job, I guess. Sasuke try again and Naruto if you do it again we can just sell the wood this time."

"Great thinking sensei!" Naruto seemed to agree.

" _No, you're just so dumb he's not going to try and teach you now."_

"What? Is my second voice telling the truth sensei?" He demanded, appalled. Everyone stares at Naruto.

"Uhh let's go with yes."

A betrayed look crossed Naruto's face and he turned to Sakura, "Well if he won't help me… You will right Sakura? You seem to have this down like it's nothing!"

Sakura sighed in defeat, she probably should try to get along with the guy if they were going to be on the same team. Besides, apparently they both had this split personality thing? That made her less weird than before, right? "Yeah… Fine, I'll help you." Sasuke looked away from them and smirked at hearing this. Perhaps he'd get lucky and Naruto would cause a tree to impale the both of them.

"You were using too much chakra that's all, try to tone it down a bit. Moderate how much chakra you infuse so you don't… wreck it," Sakura explained.

Naruto just steps through the tree like a hammer to a nail "GUYS I NEED HELP," Kakashi casually responds "Just do the same thing you did with your other foot, maybe you'll get us that damn firewood to sell," "PLEASE, I CAN'T EVEN MOVE MY LEG BACKWARDS ANYMORE."

"What do I look like? A medic ninja?" Sakura snapped, "What do you expect me to do?"

"Guess I know what _not_ to do," Sasuke noted, using too much chakra during this exercise would not be helpful at all. Taking that into account, he sprinted at his tree to practice.

* * *

Naruto is sent back to collect more firewood and he spots to what he believes a woman that is more beautiful than Sakura.

"Uhh hey, I didn't see you there. Watchu doing?"

"Collecting herbs and flowers for Zab-uh my friend."

"So are you a nurse?"

"You could say that, my friend got hurt and I need to take care of him."

"Is your friend your boyfriend?"

Haku blushes at this, "No… That would be weird for many reasons, but nevermind that."

" _Naruto, that's a man."_

 _WHAT!?_

"HOW CAN A MAN BE MORE ATTRACTIVE THAN SAKURA!"

Haku just stared at him with a face more red than the Hokage's hat, "I'm just gonna...Leave...Yeah, I'm leaving," Sounding awkward as fuck.

"Wait SO YOU ARE A GUY!"

Haku doesn't acknowledge him anymore and leaves the area. "Well he/she acts like a girl and looks like one… what the fuck."

" _Stupid humans._ "

* * *

Eventually, the day came when Kakashi and his squad were on the bridge, protecting the builders when the clear, decent weather randomly transformed into a murky fog, "Hey this reminds me of that scary movie," Naruto gestured the misty atmosphere.

" _Stop talking."_

"This is Zabuza's jutsu…" Kakashi warned, "Stand your guard."

Naruto randomly lets a fat one rip "Oh it's you guys again… well this is awkward I thought you four would have left by now."

"Hey thats the demo-"

Zabuza interrupted, "NO, it's uhh, hmm, oh yeah Nightmare from the Mist. Unlike Kakashi, I don't associate with weaklings," He mocked, his accomplice revealing themself beside him. Kakashi had been right! It was the masked hunter ninja!

" _Hey Naruto, sense that chakra? It's the guy you wanted to fuck."_

Naruto wrinkled his nose in disgust and blushed, "No but you do hang out with trannys," He shot back, ignoring the part Kurama said about him wanting some of that.

"Wait how do you know Haku?"

"None of your business."

Zabuza raised an eyebrow,"What're you trying to hide? Wait… You guys didn't hook up or something, right?"

 _GOD DAMN IT_ Naruto screamed inwardly and Kurama's voice laughed its ass off.

"No, of course not!" Haku squelched the idea, "What do you take me for?"

"At this point, I don't think anyone has an answer you would like to hear…" Sakura mumbled.

"Can we just fight now?" Kakashi beckoned, "I'm tired of waiting… I've been waiting years!" He stated, unveiling his sharingan eye. _Today's a great day to die..._

Zabuza had no idea what he was talking about but didn't really care, "If you say so."

Preparing to charge Zabuza, Kakashi barks out orders to his genin, "Sasuke, Naruto, take care of the accomplice! Sakura get in front of the bridge builder and be a human shield!"

"Why do they get to fight? I was the only one who could walk the tree?"

"To put it frankly I think you suck at fighting and Naruto can kick a tree into pieces sooo yeah."

"If I'm _that_ bad why don't you teach me how to fight then?"

"Because battle isn't the appropriate time to teach you how? Why didn't you ask before? Just go over there and do what you know, and be a shield."

 _How encouraging…_ Sakura sulked. _OUR SENSEI BLOWS! CHA_

Sasuke and Naruto start their engagement with Haku and he uses his Ice Mirror jutsu, surrounding the both of them.

"Wow it's the carnival but instead of yourself in the mirror it's the he/she."

"Stop calling me that!" It snapped.

"Then what are you?"

"I'm a boy you idiot!"

"Because that was so _clear_ to everyone who meets you," Sasuke deadpanned.

"Good because now I won't feel bad to do this to your mirror," Naruto says as he raises his leg for a kick. Haku thinking the boy ain't shit goes out of his mirror and clothesline him.

"Son of a bitch," Naruto grumbled.

"He's _fast_ ," Sasuke commented, launching a fireball at one of the mirrors hoping to melt it but having little effect, "And his jutsu is more advanced than ours, wonderful."

Within the mirrors, senbon were revealing themselves from the many images of Haku under his sleeve, "I don't like killing, but I must obey master Zabuza."

Not so far away Kakashi and Zabuza are trading blows equally.

"How old is that boy anyway?"

"Are you trying to imply I do more than just be comrades?"

"So it was his choice to dress like a girl?"

"Why are all you Leaf ninjas so judgemental?"

"Well when you have a guy dressing up like a girl and acting like one but still claims to be a guy, that is a little bit weird don't you think?"

"Your village calls that weird? I've known shark people in the past."

"Is this why you killed your entire class?"

"... Yes."

"That's racist."

"You're a homophobe," Zabuza retorted.

Haku yells back "But I'm not gay."

"This is so confusing!" Naruto also shouted.

" _I wish I could just beast bomb this entire village right now."_

"What's a beast bomb?"

" _Don't concern yourself with something you'll never be able to do."_

* * *

Sasuke and Naruto layed on the ground in Haku's trap weak and beaten. Their bodies were full of scratches, cuts and senbon needles that were still lodged into their skin, "Damn it, I can't die here...Must kill...Itachi!" Sasuke managed to stand, and from the mirror Haku noticed a significant change in his eyes.

"Impressive, you've achieved your kekkei genkai. I'm afraid it still will not allow you to get past me."

"Wait, I'm not going to give up either! I won't just lay down and die!" Naruto struggled to his feet as well.

"Let us test that," Haku responded with another flurry of senbon.

"Move you fool!" Sasuke shouted, his sharingan giving him to instincts to react quicker than Naruto and allowing him to tackle the orange clad genin and protect him from the attack.

" _Well, you guys are doing a wonderful job at trying to look like porcupines but you aren't going to accomplish anything."_

Sasuke coughed up blood in Naruto's face. " _Oh hey, and that one's dying."_

"Sasuke… Why? I thought you hate me?"

"Eat my ass! Naruto!" Sasuke snapped and passed out.

Naruto becomes the angriest he's ever been " _Oh look it's my time to shine."_ the Kurama controlled Naruto says. Immediately Haku notices a different fighting style from the angry Naruto, "If getting your comrades killed is what makes you stronger, watch to what I'll do to that pink hair girl." Haku launches himself towards her but before she could move a foot, Naruto has his leg. " _I wish you could get her killed but I need to have a talk with you. I would like to thank you for killing that Uchiha bastard."_

Unbeknownst to Kakashi to what Naruto just said, he finds the perfect moment to kunai knife Haku's neck " _What the hell dude, I thought we were cool? Oh wait I can't talk to you..., Naruto your turn to play again."_

"What are you on about Naruto? Nevermind that." a bewildered Kakashi says.

"I was a second voice there for a minute!" Naruto muttered, utterly confused.

As all of this was happening, a mob of thugs and bandits hired by Gato arrived with the intention of killing off the survivors of the ensuing battle, "Motherfuckers," Zabuza spit a tooth out from his battle with Kakashi.

As Gato approached the scene he steps over Haku's body like it was just a welcome mat and tells Zabuza off "YOU ARE A WORTHLESS ASSASSIN!. So bad in fact I had to hire an actual gang to do your job."

Kakashi knowing his battle with Zabuza is over backs off all disappointed because he didn't die, "Hey the offer is still on the table to kill me."

Zabuza just shrugs it off and ignores his request and starts walking toward to Gato "GET THE FUCK OFF OF HIM," Gato starts to retreat "thugs go get that dumbass, it's like a 20vs1 it should be easy."

Oh how fucking wrong he was.

Zabuza starts making them all look like fools and loses the ability to use his arms in battle, but he still fought on with a Kunai in his mouth "YOU WILL PERISH YOU IMPOTENT BASTARD!" as he strikes Gato down.

"Hey guys, I'm here," Sasuke announced, apparently NOT dead.

"I should've taken his pulse or something but I'm retarded," Naruto admitted.

"Kakashi, uhh can you kill me? I have no feeling in my body and my arms are fucked." Zabuza interrupts.

"WHY CAN'T THAT BE ME!" Kakashi responds and then proceeds to kill Zabuza, "thanks man you ha-" Kakashi didn't let him finish his final words over jealousy.

"That was pretty rude sensei." Sakura says out of nowhere.

"Wow I thought you were the first casualty."

Sakura was stunned, "What? Why? I was guarding the drunk the whole time! Just like you ordered!"

"Right…" Kakashi remembered, "It's just… I never saw you; you literally didn't in any way become involved in that entire skirmish and I totally didn't notice you were still over there."

"Aren't you going to tell me I did a good job? I followed your instructions and kept him safe!"

"Nah… I don't think you made an impact; nice try though."

"Who wants to get drinks?" the drunkard finally speaks out.

Everyone yells back even Kurama "SHUT UP!"

 _ **A/N: Thanks for reading please review!**_


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

It was the day of the bi-annual Chunin Exams; genin from villages all over the lands gathered to _attempt_ to prove their skills worthy of promotion. Hosted by the Leaf this year, they had the largest crop of candidates entering, and were the only village that actually was entering rookies….

"This is gonna be a drag," Shikamaru drawled, hands in pockets and yawning already.

Choji munching on one of his family-sized chip bag replies back in a muffled voice, "Asuma sensei said if we get past round 1 of the exams he'll buy us Barbeque."

Ino sighs at this, "Is that the only thing you can think about? We have more important things to accomplish in this exam! Tell him Shikamaru!" Shikamaru merely glared at her in response as if to say: ' _Are you kidding me? This is way too troublesome for me.'_

"You know you're right Ino, but I'm craving some Barbeque too right now so I'll try for the first round."

Ino huffed, "Fine, whatever; I have to impress _Sasukeee,_ " She stated dreamily, "So you guys better not hold me down!" She commanded them, and grabbed Shikamaru by the arm pulling him along with her to sign up. Choji remained as he was, but Ino was prepared as always and reached in her pocket for a snack.

"Choji! Come here!" She called out and chucked the brownie across the street and he followed suite.

Not so far off Kurenai's team are trying to convince Hinata to participate and Kiba to stop hitting on Kurenai.

"Kiba, that is highly inappropriate," Shino bereated, "Why? Because Kurenai-sensei is a lot older than you and is already in a secret relationship."

"Oh come on Shino! Think of it like your insects… You know, the parasitic ones… I just wanna get _inside_ her."

Shino adjusted his sunglasses, "You are indeed the parasite of this team Kiba; Hinata back me up on this, please."

"Uh oh I was just thinking how brave and strong Naruto is and how he carried his teammates on his mission in the Land of Waves" Hinata replied.

"Why can't I have squadmates that pay attention at all?!" His monotonous voice slightly spiked.

Kiba shrugged, "I'll pay attention to one of you…" leering at the oblivious Hinata.

Shino sighed, why did he have to be on _this_ team and why did they have to enter those stupid exams.

* * *

Naruto and his teammates met up on the rooftops and made their way to register for the Chunin Exams, most of them eager to take on the challenge. The remaining member was just happy she had to excuse to 'hang out,' with Sasuke. Also, there was a muted shuriken that hoped someone would discover him and disqualify everyone for having a Chunin's aid. That would show them to call him useless... Kurama was just bored, and idly wondered if Naruto would either die or do something incredibly stupid within the first hour.

Sasuke speaks first, "Sakura do not slow us down, you haven't done anything yet."

"Yeah what he said," says Naruto but he whispers to Sakura immediately "I don't mean it."

" _Stop talking."_

"You stop talking, you dumbass."

"Naruto who are you even talking too? I know she's useless but she does talk a lot, in fact she is ANNOYING!" Sasuke iterates.

"I'm not annoying! I also can't get mad at you for that because you are my _Sasuke."_

"Which is annoying," Sasuke replied evenly, "And I'm not _your sAsUke,_ " He added in a mocking sarcastic ass voice.

Hearts were in Sakura's eyes, "That accent is adorable!"

" _Why is she talking still, we all know she's just going to die on the first round. Naruto please tell Sasuke that he has my permission to kill her."_

"I thought you hated Sasuke."

" _I do, but I have started to dislike her more."_

Hearing Naruto speak to the Kyuubi, Sasuke confusingly called back to him, "Naruto you must have been dropped on your head to think she hates me."

"I wasn't talking to you, bastard!" Can't a guy have an isolated conversation with their second voice?

Sasuke didn't say another word the rest of the trip, and Sakura was too distracted to speak now… God knows why. They eventually made it to the registration site, but before they could head inside, they were intercepted by something very green and very flamboyant.

"Sasuke Uchiha! I demand a dual! For I am a worthy opponent… The one and only ROCK LEE!" He rambled on out of nowhere with sparkling teeth. The three genin from team seven all collectively sweatdropped as they took in the strange 'Rock Lee's' appearance. The dude had eyes that were extremely… intense, with a bowl cut and wore _skin tight_ spandex.

" _I swear he just said his name was brocoli."_

"Who the hell is this weirdo, Sasuke?" Naruto asked.

"Why are you asking _me?_ " He growled at the blonde.

"Because he knows who know are, and wants to fight you… Say wait a minute, fuck you spandex guy! Get in line, I want to fight Sasuke."

Sasuke deadpanned, "Great, two losers that can't wait to fight me and get their asses kicked."

"I assure you the only ass that will be getting kicked is yours."

"Eat my ass, let's fight."

Rock Lee quickly just beats Sasuke without even trying. "Ez," Lee taunted, "I see that this was a waste of my time… You're no way to measure myself and Neji."

Naruto rushes in and gets kicked into the wall without Lee even glancing in his direction, "This was very disappointing. By the way," He turned to Sakura, "You're CUTE can I marry you most youthful pink lady!?"

 _Chaaaa! This weirdo with a jumpsuit and bowl cut wants to marry me? I rather marry Naruto and have dumb children than this FREAK_ Sakura says to herself but she just stands there and gives a half hearted smile, "Sorry I have to marry Sasuke."

The nearby Uchiha's eye twitched at this and he struggled to his feet, "I just got beat by an inbred that wants to marry my dumb fangirl."

"Nonsense! I have just proven myself to be more worthy than Sasuke!"

After A LOT of arguing, they managed to get Rock Lee to leave her alone and they managed to sign in at the registration desk. The proctors lead team seven to the first stage of the exams, not mentioning what it would entail at all. When they took their first step inside, Naruto's heart skipped a beat…

 _NOOOO! A classroom!_

"Not you guys too, man… I knew this whole thing was going to be a drag," Shikamaru approached them with Choji at his side.

Ino on the other hand was _already_ behind them hugging Sasuke, " _Hey Sasukeee!_ Did you miss your _Innoo_."

Shikamaru pinched the bridge of his nose, "Oh God… I've been dreading this day since we were assigned to the same team."

Sasuke pushed her off of him irritably, partly because he was still angry about Rock Lee but also because why the fuck did she think she could touch him? What is wrong with _everyone_? The irate Uchiha stepped away from both fangirl kunoichi. The two kunoichi that by the way… Were now fuming at each other and resuming the same argument they have everytime they come within ten meters of each other.

Kiba smirked,"Oh heyyy Ino and Sakura in the same room, Shino which one do you want, don't tell me because I'm about to get me a threeway.."

Everyone stared at Kiba. Hell, people from _other_ villages stared at Kiba. Even Sasuke stared at Kiba.

" _Why is the leaf full of idiots?"_

"Shut up Kiba, you're going to make this whole situation even more troublesome than it already is," Shikamaru spat, "That's not a way to be talking about Ino anyway," He stood up for her. Hey it was a drag, but they were friends.

"What?" Kiba raised an eyebrow, "She yours or something? Holy shit, I didn't know dude."

Shikamaru's eyes widened, "No, it's nothing like that, I just-"

"Bow _Shika_ bowwow?" Kiba laughed.

By this time, Sakura and Ino moved on from their spat to tell Kiba off, " _I hate humans,_ " Kurama grumbled.

"Why does this dude over there have makeup on and it's not even done right." a random sound shinobi said.

"It's WAR PAINT!" The Sand ninja barked.

"ALL RIGHT YOU INGRATES SHUT THE FUCK UP. I'm Ibiki and I'll be your proctor for this section; you will all be taking a test and I'm going to give you the rules right now. Listen carefully, I don't like repeating myself."

* * *

"I can't believe we passed, especially because Naruto couldn't even pass the normal genin exam," A stunned Sakura spoke up as the team awaited the start of the second phase of the exams.

"What _did_ you write down anyway, Naruto? Since it's not like they checked our work…" Sasuke asked him.

"I made a doodle of you getting your head chopped off by Iruka."

"WAIT! You can't be serious."

"I'm very serious, I thought we were going to fail because of Sakura so I didn't even try."

"Did you just admit you think Sakura is incompetent?"

Naruto bewildered says,"Ye-wait no wait I don't know."

"NARUTO…" Sakura growled, in a dangerous voice. Inner-Sakura was equally upset, " _THAT IDIOT DIDN'T EVEN KNOW A SINGLE ANSWER AND HE TRIES TO PIN HIS IGNORANCE ON US?"_

 _I hate my team._ Sasuke thought to himself for what felt like the billionth time. _And I still can't get over that beatdown from Rock Lee! He made me look like nothing at all;_ _I need more power! I'll never measure up to Itachi if I continue to grow at this leisurely rate; that bastard of a brother was already ANBU captain by the age of thirteen. I'm twelve, not even sure if I can drag this damn team far enough to receive a promotion to measly chunin._

* * *

The next day the remaining genin teams that passed the first round meetup at Training Ground 44 ' _The Forest of Death.'_ Team seven gathered together as Naruto finally arrived, much to Sasuke's surprising satisfaction, (Sakura wouldn't leave him alone) "Loser," He greeted the blonde.

"Bastard," Naruto returned, "Did they already explain what the next exam is all about?"

"No," Sasuke replied, "They are handing out forms of some kind to teams that have a full roster on hand though. Apparently we all have to sign that the Leaf isn't responsible if we die; this exam should be dangerous. If you're too scared, we can always go home," He smirked.

"Naruto doesn't get scared!" Sakura defended him, "He's not smart enough to get scared."

"Thanks Sakura!" Naruto smiled, ignoring a loud groan from his second voice.

"Sakura, I don't want to hear that from you today because you still haven't done anything productive," Sasuke deadpanned.

Sakura looked down at the ground miserably, "...Yeah… I know."

"Okay guys, cut the chit-chat I'm now going to explain our next exam," Anko, the Chunin-Exam proctor announced.

Sasuke interrupts, "If it has anything to do with fighting, my team forfe…" Naruto and Sakura quickly close Sasuke's mouth and lowers his hand.

Still restraining their teammate, Sakura laughs awkwardly, "Oh he's such a kidder… Sorry for interrupting proctor."

Naruto nods his head, "Yeah this bastard doesn't know when to keep his mouth shut." Hearing that, Sasuke's sharingan activated and he glared at Naruto wanting to inflict physical harm.

A Grass ninja standing behind the rookie group looks at Sasuke's sharingan with great pleasure and licks her lips creepily. _Soon those will be mine..._

Anko ignored them, "Genin teams that don't have all three members present can go home now; you're disqualified." A few groans and complains were briefly ignored as well.

"All remaining teams will be given a scroll; half of you will have an Earth scroll, the other half will have a Heaven scroll. In the center of training ground forty-four, there's a tower where you will have three days to arrive at… With _both_ scrolls and an intact team."

 _What a drag… We have to find another team, defeat them and hope they have the opposite scroll. I hate my job._ Shikamaru frowned, _And to make matters worse, all these other teams are older and more experienced than us, except our classmates. We suck at fighting directly too, this is going to totally suck._

 _Oh no, it's just what I thought, Naruto will be a hit or miss and Sakura will just be a miss,_ Sasuke facepalms.

"In addition to the other competitors, you will find that the wildlife in this forest and its environment to be a challenge in its own right. We call it the Forest of Death for a reason," Anko grinned, "Oh and one more thing, under no circumstance are you to open your scrolls. Automatic disqualification if you do, and trust me… We'll know."

"How would you know though?" A random Waterfall ninja asked.

"We know someone that has a crystal ball." _Hey, it wasn't untrue…_

"So… After my team advances," Kiba said confidently, "Are you gonna open my scroll for me?" Kiba asked Anko with a suggestive tone and the normally stoic Shino facepalmed.

"C'mon baby I really want to see what's in that scroll, you gotta show me a good time!"

Anko moved quick as lightning, appearing behind Kiba quickly restraining him and holding a kunai up to his cheek, "Shut up brat," She commanded, licking her lips out of a bad habit.

The other Leaf rookies watched on in horror as their dumb ex-classmate appeared to be in deep trouble, and then the dumbass said, "I'm so turned on right now," Everyone just gawked at him.

" _Why does this adult have to appease the idiot. OH NO, DON'T TELL ME SHE'S INTO HIM! Naruto you have a chance at Sakura."_

Anko was _very_ surprised he had the balls to say that, "You know what… If you live for another three years or so, find me," She offered him and released her grip.

" _Naruto if you need me, I'll be over here clawing my ears off."_

 _Why does my second voice have claws?_ Was all Naruto could think; then he absentmindedly looked at his hand.

Hinata not so far off has fainted over Naruto looking at his hands, causing Anko to jerk her head in that direction, "Why did that girl over there faint? If she doesn't wake up your team is disqualified."

"Oh that's just Hinata, she's like that," says Naruto as he approaches her to wake her up.

Kiba quickly gets between them, "NO, mine." Shino yells at Kiba "Kiba don't even try." Hinata wakes up and kicks Kiba out of the way. "Naruto you came to save me!"

 _These guys are weird…_ Naruto takes a mental note and just backs away.

" _She obviously like you dumbass."_

"Pshh, yeah right. Stupid second voice, not knowing shit and always trying to tell me what's really going on."

" _You needed me to tell you that Haku was a guy."_

"To be fair he really looked like a good looking woman, turns out he's just a good looking guy." Naruto frowns.

* * *

The second part of the exam began an hour ago, and team seven was gathered behind a large rock, plotting their first move. They knew they had three days to work with, but it seemed like it would only get harder the longer they were in this forest; after all more teams would be eliminated by the third day and presumably the team that beat them (if they had one scroll of each type) would make their way to the tower, dwindling the amount of competitors to find.

A random kunai just misses Naruto, "Naruto watch out!" Sakura exclaimed.

" _You idiot, the kunai already missed by the time she said anything."_

"I didn't say thank you, asshole."

"I can't tell if that was directed at our enemy or what, but it was terrible, just shut up loser," Sasuke offhandedly berated him as his sharingan darted around the area looking for the would-be assailant.

Without warning, the assailant jumped from out of the shadows thinking he could take out Sasuke quickly, deeming him to be the strongest of the three kids but Sasuke's peripheral vision caught the motion and his instincts kicked in, whipping him around to defend himself. His eyes saw through every movement the enemy ninja made and he found himself good enough to avoid or block each strike. Eventually Sasuke leaned past the other shinobi's fist, slipped behind him and grabbed both arms, pulling them back and sticking a foot in the center of his back.

"Give us your scroll or I break your arms," Sasuke demanded haughtily, meanwhile Sakura was practically having a love stroke.

"I-I don't have it! My teammates wanted me to try and catch one of the nearby teams by surprise early so we could just head to the tower with an easy win. It was risky so I obviously left it in their hands!"

"I still get to beat him up anyway for trying to kill me with that kunai right?" Naruto asked, stepping closer to the two of them.

Sasuke pulled his arms back further, "I swear to you I'm telling you the truth! Please don't break my arms!" He pleaded but Sasuke was having none of it, one less person trying to hurt or kill them was a lot more appealing than simply letting him go; the forest would hear more screams over the next three days than this guy...

Sasuke went through with it, "Eat my ass."

* * *

Elsewhere, team ten was hiding in a bush, "This plan sucks Shikamaru, I thought you were supposed to be the brains of our operation!" Ino complained.

"Shut up," Shikamaru drawled, "What do you expect? We're probably the weakest team in this entire forest."

"I know," Ino admitted downcast, "But we still have to try…"

"Do we really though?" Shikamaru challenged.

"And just sitting here isn't going to do much," Ino finished, "What do you think Choji?"

Crunch crunch, crunch, "Can you repeat that, I couldn't hear it." Ino just sweatdropped in reaction.

Shikamaru hushed them alarmingly and pointed to another team that was passing by. They were leisurely walking by as if they didn't have a care in the world. Shikamaru recognized Hidden Sand emblems on their attire but he didn't dare move a muscle. Two of them followed the other about a pace behind him; the taller male had something wrapped in bandages on his back and wore makeup. The other one, was probably the biggest pain out of the three of them, a woman carrying an odd large weapon over her back but he couldn't tell what it was.

The last guy though… Something was wrong with him. He looked like he'd never been introduced to sleep in his entire life and hated everyone for it. A large heavy looking gourde was attached to his back, implying he was a lot stronger than he looked and something in his eyes just seemed to scream… blood.

After the Sand team was long gone, Ino stirred up the nerve to bitch at him, "Well why are we sitting here like we're gonna ambush if we're not going to do anything when he finally see a team!"

"Are you _insane_? Did you see that guy?"

Ino huffed in disappointment, "Whatever, we better beat someone in this thing; I need to make it to the next stage so I can impress Sasuke!"

Choji perked up, "And I want Asuma to feed me."

Shikamaru sighed, "Fine let's go find a new spot…"

* * *

Shino is leading Team 8 into a dense part of the forest, one of his teammates have already questioned his leadership.

"Trust me, I know where one of the scrolls we need is."

"Oh shit I smell people, how did you know?" Kiba inquired.

"My beetle is hiding on one of them and my other beetle was leading the way. Hinata use your byakugan and see if they have the right scroll."

Hinata eyes widen, "Yes, and for some reason they already decided to sleep."

They suspected it to be an ambush and _democratically_ decided Kiba to be the bait.

"Wow I think they actually are asleep; what kind of team enters this exam but is too dumb to leave someone awake for guard duty? Whatever, easy scroll for us."

Some time later one of the genin wakes up,

"Yo where's our scroll," One of the Rain ninja groggily asked.

"It got taken when we were sleeping."

"Is that why he died?"

"No, I killed him after I woke up and found out he was sleeping and our scroll was gone."

* * *

"From now on," Sasuke started, "We should use a password so that we know an imposter isn't trying to sneak up on us."

"That's brilliant!" Sakura cooed.

Naruto rolled his eyes, "Fine, do you have something in mind?"

"Milk cheese, an idiot like you won't forget about that."

"Hater."

"Yes I am a hater of your precious MILK CHEESE!"

"Um guys…" Sakura interrupted right before wind chakra blew all of them away and blew dirt all over the place. Naruto smashed into a tree and groaned in surprise, his teammates weren't as unlucky and managed to hide.

A grass kunoichi stood above them revealing to have been their attacker, "A NEW ENEMY!" Sasuke grunted.

"No shit Sasuke, I'm in a tree if you couldn't see!"

"You're one to talk."

"No worries, my friend will help get you out," The Grass ninja commented offhandedly, and Naruto yelped in surprise as a giant snake approached from out of nowhere and gobbled him up.

"Naruto!" Sakura screamed, but made no move to do anything.

Sasuke clenched his fist, feeling like they were in big trouble, "Shit."

" _Damn we couldn't get Sakura killed first. Welp Naruto it was a shit time being in you, I'll make sure the next time I am reincarnated I'll destroy the world in your name!"_

"Now… let us begin the fight for our scrolls!" The kunoichi declared, grotesquely _devouring_ her scroll. _What the fuck_ was all Sasuke could think before he and Sakura got caught in a genjutsu.

"Sasuke! Help! I can't move!" Sakura uselessly begged him even though neither of them could move.

The Grass ninja hummed in disappointment, "I was hoping you would provide me with more entertainment than this, but you can't even get over your own fear to raise a kunai up properly. Oh well, I'll make this so quick neither of you will even feel a thing," The Grass ninja assured them, tossing a pair of kunai at the paralyzed genin.

 _NO!_ Sasuke attempted to snap himself out of it, and stabbed his hand to shock himself out of the effects of the paralysis in time to deflect the kunai aimed at both him and Sakura. The Grass kunoichi smiled at this, "Interesting, so you _do_ want to play…"

"I wish I got to eat milk cheese again before I died."

The seemingly mute Giant Snake, "Wait what the fuck, I get summoned to eat someone that eats 'milk cheese', hell no, you're on your own, I know why Manda hates being summoned by your dumbass." says the snake as he spits Naruto out.

" _Coward!"_ Kurama scowled, mad at missing out on being freed after twelve painful years of living inside an idiot.

The snake summoner scowled, "So hard to get good help," She commented with a relaxed hand gesture, "No matter, the three of you are no match for me."

Sakura apparentently managed to escape the genjutsu as well, now firmly holding a kunai up in defiance. _This person's… so creepy._

"I got eaten," Naruto breathed heavily, "I was _so_ not ready for today."

"None of us were," Sakura muttered, keeping her eyes honed on the freaky Grass ninja.

The Hidden Grass kunoichi lunged towards Sasuke, but Naruto tackles her instinctively using the kyuubi's chakra without even knowing, "Why are you not doing anything?" He called out to Sasuke indignantly.

But before Naruto could do anything else, the Grass ninja lifts Naruto's shirt and seals Kurama's chakra away. "Hey guys why does this girl want to bang me right now?" He overreacted to a woman pulled his shirt up and touching him.

"She just did some kind of sealing jutsu on you, moron!" Sakura warned him as the kunoichi cast him aside.

"Oh, is that why it hurts like a bitch?"

" _Wow, just wow who would have guessed one of these cretins knew how to do a sealing jutsu."_

"Hey Kurama what do you think about this girl? Should I smash after the exam?" Naruto hears nothing from his second voice, "Yeah I didn't think so either Carlton.

Sakura however, heard every word, "I don't know who the fuck you're talking to over there but you're _twelve_ so I'm gonna say NO."

"You're just mad no one hits on you!" Naruto retorted.

Sakura's face turned red, "YOU DO, idiot!"

"Why this girl biting me in the neck now, what a horny bastard." Sasuke interrupts, regaining the attention of his teammates of the fact they're technically _in battle_.

Naruto frustratingly says, "What the fuck and she's cheating on me already?"

"She wasn't even seeing you, you idiot!" Sakura berated.

"NO! I think I have a hickey! What the fuck is happening to me!" Sasuke struggled, black markings spreading across his body and causing him to collapse.

"I think that's an STD, Sasuke!" Naruto called back worriedly, but he already passed out from the pain.

"Sasuke!" Sakura cried, falling on one knee.

"Well, I believe I am done here," The grass shinobi stated, "And by the way… Since you all seem very confused. I am a man," And with that, he just straight up left them there.

Naruto and Sakura shared a disturbed look, "WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?"

 **A/N: Thanks for reading, please review! Pretty happy with how this turned out, had a nice intro to some of the other characters and it's the longest chapter so far. Actually, each chapter so far has more words than the previous which is pretty sweet. Anyway, til next time!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

 **A/N:**

 **Hey guys, a little shorter than the last couple chapters but by the end of it we'll be ready to kick the prelims off next chapter! Thanks to those who have reviewed and hell thanks those who haven't, but it would be very nice to hear what yall think of the chapter!**

 **We're looking forward to doing the prelims since there's a nice gathering of important characters to work with and I think it's gonna be a blast to write, but for now… The rest of the Forest of Death! Enjoy**

Sakura hovered over the two boys with puddles of tears from all the crying she'd done. She was terrified; Sasuke had that strange mark on his neck and hadn't woken up since. Meanwhile, Naruto was _also_ asleep; apparently whatever that freaky Grass ninja did to him had some sort of draining effect on him because he collapsed shortly after the encounter. She managed to somehow carry both of the boys away and set up a camp for them to rest and littered the whole area with shitty traps.

This meant one thing. Sakura had to actually do something, and she was fucking crying about it.

"It's all up to me… Why couldn't it be Sasukeeee to be the one that takes care of us. I'm scared I won't be able to move when someone finds us."

"What a shame, she's already broken; this will be over quickly," A nearby voice declared, getting Sakura's wide eyed attention. It was one of the other teams… from the Sound village.

"Have you been cwying?" One of the males mocked.

"Oh be nice Zaku, she's really upset about it too you know? She's ruining that makeup from all that playing kunoichi!" The lone female added.

"Makeup? I thought she looked this ugly naturally."

"Oh shut up!" Sakura yelled back at them, "You aren't allowed to talk you fucking mummy! You're so repulsive that you won't show your face!"

"Ooooooh, you just got burned Dosu," Zaku laughed.

The one apparently called Dosu scowled, "Shut up," He grunted at Zaku before addressing the pink haired girl once more,"Alright now give us the scroll, you won't do shit might as well end it now."

Sakura clinched her grip on the kunai but her entire body posture was shaking in fear, "I can't do that… Sasuke's counting on me!"

"What about that other boy, he is surely on your team with his flamboyant choice of clothing." Zaku heckled.

"Why don't you both take a break, I'll handle her," Kin confidentaly says.

"Suit yourself," Dosu approved, "All I care about is being the one to kill Sasuke."

Sakura started balling after hearing that and the entire Sound team sweatdropped, "Seriously, _she's_ a ninja."

Sakura then one-upped the crying by screaming at the top of her lungs and hurting the Sound trios' ears, "Son of a bitch! That hurts like Dosu's jutsu; fucking kill her already Kin!"

Kin covered her ears tight as an airlock with a cringy look on her face and launched herself over at Sakura, avoiding the trap she had spotted earlier and kicking Sakura across the grass, shutting her up, "There," Kin said almost cheerfully, uncovering her ears but then gasping as the body turned into a log, her instincts kicked back in however, and she spun around and blasted the sneak attacking Sakura aside with her forearm.

"I'm giving her a kunai, she won't do shit with it" Zaku says as he is giving to Sakura.

Sakura takes the kunai and holds it firm with two hands,

Kin starts petting Sakura's hair, "Pink, soft and long. I'm jealous you have natural pink hair. It's too bad I have to kill you, but I'm not done toying with you just yet." Kin yanks Sakura by the hair harshley.

" _Chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa what are you doing idiot? They gave you a weapon to mock you and you're not doing ANYTHING! Cut your dumbass hair, Sasuke will be glad you saved him instead of getting the team killed."_

"You played with your food for too long," Sakura surprisingly does something and cuts her hair.

"Wow I didn't think you had it in you, Kin you dumb bitch now we gotta do it that hard way," Dosu expressed.

Nearby, hiding in the bushes was Team Ten, "Ah man… This is really bad guys, I'm hungry," Choji whispered.

"I don't get why she doesn't just hand over the damn scroll… This isn't worth _dying_ over," Shikamaru rubbed his temple.

"Those guys seem really strong," Choji pointed out, "And it's three on one… Should we uhh…?" Unsure of what to suggest, they weren't the strongest of teams to say the least, it would really suck if they just went out and got killed trying to help. But how could they just let her die like that? Besides, there was also Naruto and Sasuke to consider as well here.

Ino's emotions were extremely mixed up. On one hand, it was nice to see Sakura struggling like this, but she couldn't enjoy it if she was in honest danger trying to protect her teammates. Rivals or not, they were all Leaf ninja… And from the same class, and the two of them used to be close friends. Ino stared at the pile of pink hair on the ground, and saw the brave look Sakura had on her face and clenched her fists. _What should I do?_

Kin starts to charge at Sakura again, but was cast aside by a green blur. The new arrival was clad in ridiculous skin-tight spandex and was not a famous jonin, which pretty much could only mean he was Rock Lee. Sakura blinked confusedly, "L-Lee! Where did you come from?"

Lee briefly turned his head to face Sakura and flash her a blinding smile, "I heard your screaming and rushed over immediately! You are very loud!" Sakura nearly fell over out of embarrassment.

Rock Lee locks eyes on Dosu, "you look like the leader, I'm fighting you first." Before Rock Lee can hit him, he gets air blasted by Dosu.

"What was that? Well I want to save Sakura but currently my team is more important and we already have our scrolls. See ya later Sakura."

Sakura filled with disappointment, "What a coward!"

"Why are you talking shit? We've been at a stalemate for like five minutes and the only thing you did was cut your ugly ass hair," Dosu snaps at Sakura.

"HUMAN BOULDER!" A random yell came from the nearby bushes and what appeared to be a rapidly spinning ball violently hurled itself at Zaku.

"The fuck!" He reacted and fired a sound wave at it, "Grrr-hrr," He struggled to push the attacker back, "What is this?" Eventually his wave launched the attacked high in the air and it nearly _fell_ right ontop of him but he narrowly side stepped it and after losing velocity it was revealed to be a person, "Just a fat guy?" Zaku blinked indignantly, causing the other ninja to fume.

Dosu was about to move in to assist when the plump ninja stood back up with an angry scowl on his face but in the blink of an eye something shot at his feet and he froze in place, "Huh? A shadow…?"

"Shadow possession jutsu, complete," Shikamaru smirked, "Not so tough after all, are we?"

Ignoring the irrelevant Sakura, Kin pulled out a handful of senbon with Shikamaru as her intended target but randomly lost her conscious, "Okay, I'm in control," Ino informed them from Kin's body.

"I'm saved!" Sakura exclaimed!

Literally right when she said that, Zaku fired a Slicing Soundwave at his own teammate's body, knocking Kin aside with cuts all over which forces Ino to undo her jutsu and Shikamaru's hold on Dosu ended rather abruptly because he wasn't very good at sustaining it, "Shit."

"Wow, you guys fucking suck," Zaku laughed.

"I'm fucked," Sakura deflated.

"Sakura what fuck is this commotion, I'm trying to fucking sleep here."

"Wait who the hell is speaking and how long have you been here?" Dosu confusingly says.

"I've been here since the beginning, I'm the giant shuriken."

"Iruka-sensei? I thought Naruto had you on mute," Sakura replied.

"These brats were trained by a shuriken?" Dosu mumbled in bewilderment, "I thought my teacher was fucking weird." The thought of Lord Orochimaru motivating him to clean this thing up.

"Sakura, let me help," Iruka says and Sakura picks him up. "I meant release me," Sakura ignores his request and chucks it at the sound ninja.

"Woooow, by the way Naruto can only keep me on mute when he's awake." Iruka states as he hits a tree without coming close to the sound ninja.

"You throw like a girl!"

"I am a girl! Asshole!"

"Wow, I thought you were a crossdresser," Zaku expressed with wide eyes, "Your chest is flatter than mine!"

"Enough," Dosu stated, "Let's get this over with Zaku. I have to kill Sasuke."

Team ten visibly flinched at this, "What? Why aren't you just after their scroll! This exam isn't supposed to be personal!" Choji was first to speak.

"Sakura! Pull yourself together!" Ino demanded her rival, "Don't make my team and I do everything!"

"Am I in genjutsu? Sakura doesn't have long hair anymore… that would mean she has done something and where did I get these dumb fucking tattoos," Sasuke wakes up in pain.

" _Sasukeee_ …" Both Leaf kunoichi cooed.

"Wow this _is_ reality, who's the dumbfuck looking guy over there with the yellow, I'm gonna kick your ass because I hate the way you look and you also kind of remind me of Naruto."

"I'm Zaku your worst nightmare"

"Oh really? Then why am I already behind you," Sasuke grabs Zaku's arms with a merciless smirk.

 _Woah I barely saw him move_ Shikamaru thought, _When did Sasuke get that good?_ _And what's with this chakra… It has a reaally bad vibe._

"Tell me one thing you do with your arms that doesn't involve you being an idiot."

"I uh."

"Too slow," Sasuke breaks his arms. "I'm on a roll, what's that three arms now that I've broken? I believe I don't have a kill count; I think you will be my first."

"Dosu!" Zaku begged.

"Sasuke, you're scaring me, he already can't fight anymore stop." Sakura cries out.

"Quiet Sakura!" He demanded with a dark smile, "I'm testing the limit of my ability."

"She's right Sasuke, listen to your teammate. You don't have to kill him, we're not murderers." Shikamaru says.

All Shikamaru got in response was a cold hearted sharingan glare and the Nara actually flinched at it. _He's all out of sorts…_ _What's wrong with this guy?_ He wondered, eying the seal marks that were growing even more and glowing like fire.

Teary-eyed, Sakura started crying again, "Sasuke, no!" She rushed over to him and embraced him from behind, "Stop this! Pl-Please!" She whimpered.

Team ten and Dosu watched confusedly as the curse markings began retreating back to the neck area, "Fine; consider it my gift to you for actually doing something for once," He said, releasing Zaku from his grip, "Now… Give us your scroll and get out of here before I change my mind; besides, that idiot will probably wake up soon and you don't want to meet him."

Dosu, knowing full well that by himself he wasn't about to take this many on didn't fight it and did as he was told, dropping the scroll at Sasuke's feet as Zaku glared at the Uchiha hatefully. Dosu then motioned to grab the still unconscious Kin, and left with Zaku in tow.

Ino sighed, "Thank God that's over; thanks for protecting us _Sasukeee_! We would've found a way to win without you I'm sure but we're all very grateful!" She threw herself at him.

"Tch, whatever," Sasuke rested his hands in his pockets and brushed past her.

Naruto unleashes a loud fart, everyone looks at his direction, except Sasuke.

Naruto still asleep but talking, "Yes Sakura I'll be your husband." Sakura goes up to Naruto and hits him, "What the hell Sakura why did you hit me?"

Sasuke interrupts, "Don't even answer him."

"That just made me hungry," Choji commented, and got smacked in the back of the head by a now disgusted Ino while Shikamaru muttered out a troublesome.

"We have both scrolls Naruto, let's go," Sasuke called his team and started walking with them, ignoring team ten altogether.

 _What a dick,_ Shikamaru thought. _And here we just stuck our necks out for them._

"Byeee Sasukeee!" Ino waved.

"Thanks for helping us you guys," Sakura strolled over to them somewhat embarrassed, "You guys didn't have to do that for me, and I appreciate it," She thanked, not making eye contact with Ino.

"Just don't make a habit out it Billboard brow!" Ino huffed.

This time Sakura didn't take the bait and followed Sasuke (after retrieving Iruka-shuriken), and Naruto followed her, noticing the ungraceful haircut for the first time and asking about it.

Team ten started off in a different direction, "What a pain… We still have to find another scroll."

* * *

Two days had passed since Sasuke _convinced_ the Sound team to hand over their scroll. He and Naruto got much needed rest for the next phase, which they thankfully weren't being prohibited from participating in due to the Uchiha's strange mark. Kakashi, Lord Hokage and proctor Anko each seemed very uneasy about it but Sakura and Naruto were being kept in the dark. Though aggressive, Sasuke didn't seem all that much different; he was an antisocial prick in the first place, right? Now all of the remaining teams were gathered in an indoor arena of sorts for some kind of combat phase, or so Sakura deducted.

She wasn't excited about it one bit since their new proctor explained they would be fighting one on one bouts not squad fights. How was she going to beat anyone? Spam substitution jutsu and try to stab them in the back over and over? Naruto on the other hand seemed excited, something about kicking everyone's ass and making them respect him, whatever.

Sasuke was holding the spot on his neck, wincing in slight pain and it didn't go unnoticed by a worried Sakura. It did go totally unnoticed by Naruto.

" _Why are you alive still?"_

A surprised Naruto, "What the, where have you been Kurma?"

" _Whatever that ninja did made me fall asleep for awhile. I was hoping you would have been killed by now."_

Sighing, Naruto asked his second voice, "Why am I suicidal?"

Kurama almost stuttered in confusion," _That question is so wrong and stupid I don't even know how to answer."_

"Oh my God, I'm so bipolar," Naruto complained.

A random proctor, "What is wrong with that kid?"

"Hey! You guys made it too!" Lee approached team seven, "How youthful!" He shot them a thumbs up, drawing a deadpanned look from Naruto, an enraged Sakura with a grudge, and Sasuke actually returned him a _thumbs down_.

"NO THANKS TO YOU!" Sakura screamed at him, much to her teammates collective confusion.

A girl with a pink shirt and hair in buns joined the conversation with a raised eyebrow, "What? Was my teammate supposed to protect the cute little rookies?"

Sasuke and Naruto scowled at that remark but Sakura answered, "Well no, but he shouldn't show up and help for about twenty seconds and dip out for no reason leaving me and my unconscious team to DIE."

Kurama snorted, " _I would've approved of this,"_ He rang in Naruto's ear.

"You shouldn't rely on others to hold your hand to protect you; either way, your fate is what it is and you cannot alter it; apparently you were meant to make it this far without Lee's assistance," A third person interjected, Lee's other teammate it would seem.

 _A Hyuga,_ Sasuke instantly recognized, _I hope I get to fight with him later… It would be interesting to test out my sharingan on another dojutsu._

"In the end none of it matters because none of you will ever defeat me. No amount of hard work or effort will ever change this; individually none of you have the talent to beat me!" Neji snidely looked down upon the rookie team much to Lee's annoyance.

"Ooooh you hear that Sasuke," Naruto smirked, "Listen to him run his mouth. He wants to one V one," He waved his hands around sarcastically, "We're not scared of you!"

Wordlessly, Neji turned his back to them without dignifying the blonde a response, "Come on," He directed his teammates and they followed, though Lee did utter a quick apology.

" _I sense something off… wait that's my dumbass fucking brother."_

"I have a brother? What?"

" _I'm too angry at his presence to even comment on that. My brother is inside the kid with the red hair and gourd."_

Naruto approaches Gaara with the intent to hug him,"HEY BROTHER! HEY."

Sand surrounds Naruto and throws him across the room, Gaara's real brother Kankuro responds, "What the hell is wrong with the leaf ninja? They all seem kind of special."

Temari leaned on her gigantic fan with an amused expression, "Mhmm… It's getting weirder by the day."

It seemed that Gaara sensed something about Naruto as well, because he looked more _interested_ than angry at Naruto's insolence. _Nine tails…_

"Naruto!" Sakura rushed over to help him up, "What was that about you idiot!"

"Oh… Yeah, so that guy's my brother, I don't know his name yet."

All the Sand ninja just stared at him, Sakura and now Sasuke who appeared behind them opting to join them in doing so.

" _I hate you Naruto."_


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

"Man, I wanted to fight first!" Naruto pouted.

Shikamaru sighed, "How do you think _I_ feel?" A disappointed voice replied, practically yawning.

Naruto's eye twitched slightly, "And of all the people… I'm waiting for _your_ lazy ass."

"GO SHIKAMARU! DEPORT THAT BITCH BACK TO SUNA!" Ino futility attempted to amp her teammate up.

"I thought Kankuro was one of the dudes on that team?" A confused Choji commented.

"Wait, really?" Ino simmered down, "Oh yeah oops my bad… Kankuro isn't the chick, it's makeup boy," She corrected herself.

"Y'all should have asked me; I knew he wasn't a girl since the beginning," Kiba interrupted.

"IT'S WAR PAINT, IT'S FREAKING WAR PAINT GOD DAMN!" Kankuro says while Temari is holding him back and trying not to laugh at him herself.

"That's fine with me, fighting a girl would've been an even bigger drag than this already is," Shikamaru brushed it off and slowly made his way down the stairs for the first match.

Hayate Gekko, the proctor of this stage waited for both genin to make their way down, promptly coughed one more time, (Sakura was seriously beginning to think this guy wasn't even fit to be working at this point) and leapt back to stay out of their way, "BEGIN!"

The battle didn't start off in a hurry. Hell, Shikamaru looked like he was just chilling with his hands in his pockets carelessly. Kankuro was smirking at him superiorly, trying to show his confidence by giving his opponent the first move. Little did he know, he was matched up against a sloth of a human being that was content to just stand there for the time being.

"..."

"..."

"Oh for God's sake DO SOMETHING!" A highly impatient Naruto shouted from above.

"Tch, whatever," Shikamaru grumbled, "I'll fight at my own pace."

"I don't think this constitutes as fighting," Shino calmly stated, "It's because no one is moving or infusing chakra at all." Kiba let out a snicker in agreement.

Kankuro pulled his mysterious ninja tool that was wrapped in bandages of his back and held it at his side, "It seems you aren't confident enough in your abilities to make a move; I wouldn't worry too much about it though… I'll end this quickly!"

Ignoring the verbal jab, Shikamaru eyed the wrapped up ninja tool carefully. _Without knowing what he's concealing it'll be hard to plan for. On top of that, I don't know anything about his abilities because I've never seen him fight before. He's from the Hidden Sand village; maybe I shouldn't have slept through all those boring history lessons about the second and third great wars? Nah, too much work I'm just gonna wing it._

In a surprising move, Shikamaru drew a kunai in each hand and began charging directly at his opponent. "What's he doing?" Choji gawked unbelieving.

"Shikamaru doesn't fight like that! He never fights directly, what gives?" Ino shared his concern.

"Hn," Kankuro's smirk grew wider, practically welcoming the attack.

 _I'm walking right into a trap,_ Shikamaru gauged from Kankuro's reaction. _Okay, well how about this then…_ At the last second, the Nara leapt in the air and launched a kunai at two separate targets, one for Kankuro and one for the wrapped up figure, intensively focusing in on how Kankuro would respond to this. Before the knives reached their respective targets, Kankuro pushed his concealed tool _away_ from him and attempted to swerve away from the other kunai but got nicked on the shoulder.

The sand genin grunted in displeasure before uttering out, "That was a lucky shot you punk, I'm gonna-" He didn't get to finish because he appeared to lose focus out of anger and accidentally tripped. Shikamaru began to move towards him to take advantage of the slip but halted for seemingly no reason with a frown on his face.

The genin watching him were puzzled, why did Shikamaru just… STOP like that?

"What are you doing!?" Kiba yelled at him from above. Ignoring his classmate, Shikamaru made a smirk of his own and turned his attention to the wrapped up figure and made a handseal.

 _What!? Is he onto me?_ Kankuro realized and tried to stop Shikamaru from using whatever jutsu he was about to do.

"WATCH OUT!" Sakura tried to help him.

"SHIKAMARU!" A worried Ino cried out.

Kankuro was now just barely out of slashing range of Shikamaru, who sighed in relief, "That would've been a serious drag if it didn't work," He admitted aloud, "Shadow Possession jutsu, complete."

"Wait, what's going on?" Naruto scratched his head.

"For once, I think I'm as lost as you, loser," Sasuke admitted, speaking for the first time in awhile. Shikamaru's shadow was stretched out to the wrapped figure, snaring it in his jutsu. So why was Kankuro unable to move?

Shikamaru gave Kankuro a tiny shove and it dropped to the floor making a loud clanking sound, "Simple tricks," Shikamaru commented, "I kind of relate to it to be honest," he said, using his chakra to make the _real_ Kankuro stand and rip the bandages off.

"HOW did you even figure it out?" Kankuro asked incredulously.

"It wasn't that hard," Shikamaru claimed, "Someone acting as confident as you being so easily hit by a kunai knife and falling over themself like they're Naruto or something? I don't think someone confident enough in their abilities to wear _makeup_ and made it through the first two stages of these exams is going to turn out to be that much of a clumsy ditz; I also noticed that you made sure the other kunai didn't hit your little puppet. The whole time I felt like you were trying to lay out a trap, and at some point I got in my head that you substituted with this puppet at and started luring me towards it and that was the trap. I'm lucky you don't know my jutsu or else I probably wouldn't have got away with this."

"Well, what now? This jutsu is making me mimic you, so you can't take me out anyway!" Kankuro laughed, "I bet this is designed for capturing people alive or for your teammates to finish off."

Shikamaru smirked again, "You see that wall?"

"Yeah…?"

THWACK "You're closer to it than I am."

"Wow, I didn't know lazy ass was that good," Kiba commented.

Ino smiled, "He has his moments…" She offered while the other member of team ten just kept eating chips.

The Nara had his hands behind his head in a laid back fashion as he returned to the balcony and looked at his teammates and friends with a bored expression, "That sucked; am I chunin now?"

Ino shot him a deadpan look, "You just did awesome and you're complaining…"

"Woman I don't even want to be here."

The Yamanaka let out a sigh and turned her attention to the screen to see if she was up next or not but it was not to be. _Which one is she?_ She wondered to herself upon reading the names and looked around.

"Up next are Naruto and," cough " Tenten," Hayate quietly announces.

Naruto was already on the floor cracking his knuckles trying to look intimidating, eager to fight, "Yeah whatever let's get on with it!"

" _What kind of name is Tenten? Did her parents not know ten ends with one ten or did they think their kid was special? Naruto permission to use some of my chakra."_

"YOU mean permission to use MY own chakra!" Naruto says out loud.

"Oh boy this gonna be easy, see told you Lee the kid was an idiot." Tenten speaks, finishing her trek down the stairs.

Hayate backs away, "Since both of you are already in the battle zone and won't shut up, the fight has begun."

Tenten leaps in the air while Naruto is standing distracted by his 'inner voice', "It's showtime." Tenten brings out her fucking scroll that is a list and throws a bunch of weapons, all of them missing Naruto.

Naruto finally realizes the fight has begun, "HEY no fair I wasn't ready."

"Tenten I told you not to underestimate him," Lee says cheerfully.

"Shutup Lee, I expected him to move like a normal human would," Tenten releases another set of throwing weapons and missed him again because she anticipated he would stay still again.

"Haha you can't get me," Naruto weaves his shadow clone hand signs and creates a leaning tower of Naruto.

Kurama facepalms, " _Naruto, all she can do is throw shit, you can't possibly lose to her and if you do somehow lose, let it be a killing blow."_

"Damn I had something I was going to do with this, but now I forgot…" Naruto idiotically says out loud.

Tenten throws another volley of weapons hitting all of them but the real one, "HOW DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING!"

"Man I gotta make two towers now, that way I can still do the thing I forgot," as he makes more shadow clones.

Tenten leaps into the air again, "How many clones can this kid make? This is absurd."

"Oh I think I remember," Naruto says as he makes an arc with the two towers of himself. Tenten hits all of them but the real one again and Naruto lands on his face like an idiot, "I guess I remembered wrong."

" _Keep this up Naruto, I'll start helping her over you."_

Neji whispers to himself, "What a lame fight, I would have won by the first punch thrown."

Naruto eyes light up and finally remembers his original plan and creates four towers of Naruto and they grab Tenten before she can jump, restricting her movement for a good minute before Tenten realizes she can't do anything else but throw shit at people and this bastard was restricting her _arms_.

"I forfeit," Tenten cried out.

Naruto leapt up in excitement and trotted up the stairs to his teammates immediately flaunting a victory sign at the two of them, "YEAH how about that! I just bested a genin with a whole year of experience over us; I told you I'm better than you SASUKE!" Two kunoichi in particular glared at him.

The Uchiha didn't even spare Naruto a glance, "Eat my ass."

Meanwhile, the fighters that were up next were already on the floor. _It's time to see the byakugan in action,_ Sasuke watched on with great interest.

Kiba walks up to Hayate, "Can you say my nickname the 'Horn Dog' when you announce the next fight?"

Hayate just stares at him for a few seconds, "Wait, you're serious? Hell no, I'm not calling you that, that sounds retarded."

"Up next is Hinata and Akamaru and his trainer. The fight will commence in five seconds."

Off the bat Akamaru is hesitant to fight Hinata, while Kiba is just barking at Akamaru to stop being a coward, "I KNOW SHE'S ON OUR TEAM, THAT DOESN'T MEAN WE HAVE TO LOSE! Fuck me, fang over fang doesn't work without you."

"The only person who I wouldn't want to hurt in the fight was Akamaru, with him betraying you that means my only goal besides winning the fight is to make sure you never hit on me ever again," Hinata said in a unusual empowered tone.

Kurenai is just embarrassed over how stupid Kiba is and genjutsu'd herself so she wouldn't have to listen to Kiba speak for a little bit.

Kiba forcefully gets Akamaru to become the twin-headed dog thing and Akamaru is trying to bite Kiba's neck, "What the hell, I thought you would do what I want in this form." Akamaru somehow splits off Kiba and there's two clifford sized dogs fighting. Luckily for Kiba he had a sleeping pill in a cookie, meant for a different reason, and fed it to Akamaru, "well if I can't get him to fight with me, might as well remove him from the fight."

Coincidentally the clifford dog jutsu wore off, "damn I thought I could also keep that form."

Now if you don't include Kiba, there are no more distractions. Oh there he goes again being retarded, "I'm a wild animal Hinata, I can't be stopped in the bedroom."

"..."

"Battlefield, I meant battlefield! I think."

Sasuke yells out, "Kiba you fucking suck, Hinata hasn't done shit and it looks like you're losing this."

"And your an annoying perv!" Sakura added.

Naruto laughed at his teammates jokes, happy to not be their target for a change and chimed in, "All that barking and it turns out he's just a bitch!"

"Oh piss off!" Kiba yells, flipping team seven the bird.

Hinata suddenly felt pressured to do something because Sasuke was right, she hasn't done anything really besides being a good friend to Akamaru and hearing the voice of her obsession, Naruto. Her adrenaline kicked so fast that all she can really hear is her heart pumping

Shino says to himself, _usually Kurenai-sensei is the one to calm her down, now she's tripping out on her genjutsu while Hinata is having a panic attack._

Kiba is confused weather to attack her or not while she's vulnerable, "uhh Hinata? I'm going to hit you now."

Just barely mishearing Kiba, thinking she heard 'I'm hitting on you now' gave her an idea to win this fight. Hinata calms down a bit and offers Kiba a hug, "Ki-," cutting her off before she could say anything, "Yeah I know you want to fuck me Hinata, I'll only hug right now but after we could go to my place."

"WE ARE TWELVE!" Sakura screams.

"What youthful exuberance!" Guy stated excitedly, almost wanting to cry for their 'youthful' romance.

"WHAT?" Sakura deadpanned, "Are all of our sensei's fucking perverted idiots!?"

"Did you say something?" Kakashi feigned ignorance and everyone collectively ignored Guy's comment about how 'hip' Kakashi was for saying that.

"Hey," Asuma interjected, "There's nothing wrong with me." _I just happen to be the only guy in this entire room that actually gets some. Oh wait, I almost forgot Hayate is dating an ANBU chick._ These thoughts made him realize he was standing there watching some dumb teenage hormone infested bullshit while his girlfriend was stuck in her own genjutsu when the two of them could be doing so many better things. Fuck. He really needed a cigarette.

With her fingertips infusing chakra already, Kiba is too excited to notice this, right before he fully enclosed arm to body for the hug, Hinata blindly hits Kiba's chakra point hard enough to knock him out cold.

"Way to go Hinata! I knew you could do it." Naruto cheerfully yells out.

Hinata also passes out after she becomes the winner, reason being was a Naruto overload.

"What the fuck did I just watch," Hayate facepalms.

Neji angrily yells out, "This is the head of the Hyuga clan, she didn't even use her byakugan. How disgraceful."

* * *

Two fights had occured since Kiba and Hinata's. Gaara, or as Naruto kept idiotically referring to as his 'brother,' defeated Kin in about a grand total of five seconds. Then, Misumi of the eldest Leaf team in the exam which was already short a member because some wimp named Kabuto who looked perfectly fine chose to give up and head to the medical bay... was then promptly eliminated by Dosu who stunned him and knocked him out from behind.

Dosu and Sasuke locked eyes, _I'm going to kill you Uchiha… And prove to Lord Orochimaru I am his greatest asset._

"Hn, hey loser."

Naruto pretended he didn't know Sasuke was talking to him until Sakura elbowed him, "Ow! Oh come on! I don't have to answer to that!"

"If you fight that Dosu guy in the finals… _Destroy him_ ," Sasuke ordered the blonde with a dark tone and his hand reached back to the curse mark again feeling a surge of pain that he was effectively hiding from everyone but the everso observant Sakura.

 _There he goes again holding his neck like that… I hope he's okay…_ Sakura worried. " _SASUKE'S IMMORTAL! CHAAA!"_ Inner-Sakura denied her true feelings.

"Yeah I'll be sure to do that since you probably can't Sasuke don't worry!"

"Don't be an idiot; we just don't know who we're fighting yet."

"You aren't even guaranteed a spot in the finals yet!" Naruto pointed out, "You must be worried you aren't going to make it so you're entrusting me with taking him out for you; I understand."

"Oh shut up loser;" Sasuke frowned, "You don't even understand how to read expiration dates."

"Will the next competitors kindly hurry the fuck up," Hayate called out, prompting several heads to turn to the screen to see who was slotted to fight next.

The resident Uchiha smirked, it was about time, "One moment loser; I'll be securing that spot in two minutes tops."

"Get down here you welp!" Zaku angrily called out to him, "I'm gonna make you regret the _fuck_ out of what happened in the woods! You shouldn't have listened to Pinkie… You should have killed me when you had the chance!"

The Uchiha gave him no acknowledgement as he casually walked down the stairs, hands in pockets. Unlike Shikamaru however, Sasuke looked overconfident as opposed to bored when the Nara walked down in a similar fashion. This further agitated the Sound ninja, "Are you even listening to me!?"

 _Calm down Zaku._ Dosu thought to himself. His idiotic teammate wasn't acting in control.

"FUCKING TALK, YOU BASTARD!" Zaku's blood continued to boil.

Hayate momentarily considered postponing the fight because it was clear this brat wasn't thinking about the chunin exams. "Start the fight," Sasuke calmly spoke.

 _Oh you think you're hot shit Uchiha? All right then…_ *cough* "Sasuke Uchiha versus uh- Oh who cares, that sound ninja," he announced, backing away from them.

Temari leaned her face on her hand, "Oh that's not biased in favor of the home village or anything."

"Quiet," Gaara darkly spoke, making both of his siblings' skin crawl, "I want to see Uchiha fight." Kankuro gulped. Gaara had been _extra_ hostile since arriving in this arena. Stupid blonde kid.

Zaku, arms in slings and all, charged in like a flash, "FUCK YOU!" He screamed and surprised much of the audience with a vocal based soundwave jutsu, engulfing his target completely who was in a defensive taijutsu stance.

"Oh no! Sasuke!" Ino panicked.

"The bastard's fine," Naruto was surprisingly the one who caught that it was a substitution.

Zaku looked like he was going to explode when a shattered log fell to the floor, "You're still too slow," Sasuke finally regarded him.

"Why you-" Whatever Zaku was going to retort was cut off by a agonizing scream as Sasuke stepped right on the back of his leg and broke that too.

"Geez," Shikamaru said, "Does Sasuke have a thing for breaking people's limbs or something?"

"How do you know it's not just a thing for breaking Zaku's limbs?" Choji asked.

"He's a dick," Naruto shrugged.

"Sasuke wins; his opponent is unable to continue," Hayate ended the 'battle.'

"I'm going to kill you one day Sasuke Uchiha! I'm going to break every bone in your body and kill you!" the defeated sound ninja shouted as medics began attempting to assist him.

"Tch, the day you land a hand on me is the day Sakura finds interest in another man. In other words, it would involve considerable luck."

* * *

Once the medics were done scrapping what was left of the extremely bloody Yoroi off the floor in the aftermath of Temari's victory, Hayate tiresomely announced, "Choji and the prick who's wearing sunglasses indoors, you're up next."

Choji struggles to walk, "MAN I'M FUCKING STARVING!"

"Don't worry choji, I'll make it quick for you." Shino says as he preparing his bugs.

Hayate walks away with a can of Raid, "Okay, you're both ready now, the fight has begun."

Shino launches his bugs immediately, but the delusional Choji thought they were popcorn and started to suck them in like Kirby, eating all of them. Shino is now left with zero bugs and Choji is energized, "Shino, you make some bad fucking popcorn!"

Tears falling from Shino's face, "Those were my fucking bugs you asshole, you just ate bugs. Now we have to do taijutsu; wait no I'd rather just forfeit, there's no way I'll defeat you without my bugs."

Shino and Choji leave the designated area. Lee and Neji are already in their battle stance.

"Lee and Neji, you may begin the fight,"

"Lee, you have my permission to remove your weights," Guy-sensei said.

The weights fall down and make a small rumble that is felt in the room, "Neji I won't let you win this,"

Neji scoffs, "You haven't even been able to beat me once, what makes you think you will now?"

"Neji if you lose, you have to wear his green unitard," Kakashi yells out staring at Guy.

Neji says to himself, _oh god no, I would kill myself if I had to wear THAT!_

Asuma snickered, "Accepting all bets."

"YES!" Guy agreed, "We will have a youthful side competition!"

Tenten sweatdropped at this. _Why is my team so dumb… And why do the other adults encourage it so damn much._

Neji and Lee are slowly circling each other, knowing how they fight hoping the other makes a move first.

Naruto interrupts the stalemate, "Lee, you kicked Sasuke's ass, you can beat him too."

"He kicked your ass too numb nuts," Sasuke pointed out.

Neji has not fought a weightless Lee and decided to not make the first move, Lee got a bit impatient and gets behind Neji and almost kicks him in the back, Neji predicted this and barely dodges it.

Neji knowing that lee will try to target him from behind moves about a foot against a wall to make sure the only Lee can get him is from the front, _there's no way I'll win this if I go on the offensive, I'll just have to see how long he takes to get tired._

"If I lose this I'll have to do 5000 push ups, 10000 sit ups, and run 100 miles," the enthusiastic Lee said.

Unlucky for Lee, Neji has been practicing a secret move and Lee makes a mistake by on trying to kick him again and Lee grabs the leg in perfect timing and does a modified Hyuga spin jutsu and slams Lee to the wall, knocking him out cold.

"Yeah, you do that," A deadpanned Tenten commented from above.

"There are only two competitors remaining. Please get down here and get this over with already. If one of you feels like forfeiting I'll buy you a coffee," Hayate shouted out.

"Is he calling me a stereotypical young blonde girl?" Ino deadpanned.

"I can think of a few things a stereotypical young blonde girl can do for me," Kiba interjected.

"Since when was drinking coffee a 'young blonde girl' thing?" Kurenai snapped, "That's ridiculous."

"You're just mad because you drink coffee," Kiba snorted.

"Orrr she's mad she isn't blonde!" Naruto offered.

Kurenai frowned at the brats, " _Orrr_ I'm mad that I'm a jonin instructor."

By this time, the two rival kunoichi had made it down to the floor and were having a stare down. _I can do this. This is no problem. I can beat her._ Inner-Sakura was as per usual a little more sure of herself, " _I'M GONNA DESTROY THE BITCH CHAAAAA!"_

Ino rested her hands on her hips, "This is going to be easy; sorry old friend but I'm not holding back! I have to prove myself as a ninja worthy of promotion AND prove my superiority over you. I think we both know why so I'll save it."

"Yeah well that goes double for me Ino-PIG!" Ino's comments lighting a fire under her.

Sakura may have _sounded_ sure of herself, but Ino was the one with confidence radiating off of her, "Come and get it then billboard-brow!"

Naturally, this was getting Kiba excited so he began whistling cat-calls, "Hell yeah! Cat fight! Cat fight!"

Shino palmed his face uncharacteristically as this had already been a rough day for him as it was and now Kiba was undoubtedly going to embarrass the team tenfold what they had already managed. Hinata meanwhile blushed and turned away from the entire thing and Kurenai's eye twitched.

*cough* "Begin!"

The pair of rivals immediately engaged in a repetitive flurry of blows up close. After a few minutes of this, it was pretty clear they were even in taijutsu though no one was particularly impressed, especially a particular Hyuga. _Is this fight supposed to be a joke?_ Neji thought to himself.

"What splendid heart the two of them are showing! It. Is. So. INSPIRING!" Apparently his teammate felt differently, go figure.

"Come on Sakura you got this! Go Sakura!" Naruto cheerlead while Sasuke said nothing but was paying attention nonetheless.

"You're the best Ino!" Choji rooted.

And even Shikamaru tried to offer some support, "You better win this Ino! It'll be a drag if I have to deal with you being down about it for a whole month!" Seriously, that would be so annoying.

Eventually, the two kunoichi disengaged from their taijutsu conflict, both vying to catch their breath for a moment while they plotted their next move. _If I get her with my jutsu, this thing is over!_ Ino reminded herself.

" _WE CAN'T LOSE! SASUKE WOULD BE TOTALLY DISAPPOINTED IN US!"_ Inner-Sakura spat.

 _Yeah, you're right Inner; I need to hit her with my specialty. Substitution jutsu!_

" _..."_

 _Okay, yeah… I really need to learn new techniques._ She admitted to her other persona.

"I hope this is the part where they stop, catch their breath, and decide to makeout for like ten minutes!" Kiba beamed.

Kakashi turns to Asuma, "Is it weird to want Ino to win over Sakura?"

Asuma responds, "I was just thinking the same thing but wanting Sakura to win over Ino."

Kurenai scowled at them, "You guys are so irresponsible!"

"Come on! You know you want each other!" Kiba screamed at the battling kunoichi.

Asuma and Kakashi shared a look and turned back to a blushing Kurenai, "You were saying?"

"I'm not the one who LOST TO A GOD DAMN HUG!" Kurenai said defensively.

Attempting to kick Sakura in the chest, Ino gasped when she struck a log, "Got you bitch!" Sakura flanked her from out of nowhere, "CHA!" She screamed going for a knockout punch to the purple clad girl's temple, just to smash her hand on a log. "Shit, she did my specialty."

"No one fucking cares that you can do a substitute, just fucking lose already so we can leave," Temari screamed.

"Up here bitch," Ino chirped at her old friend, hanging from the ceiling with chakra channeled into her feet making the Yamanaka clan jutsu sign.

Performing the mind transfer jutsu, Ino took over Sakura's psyche and caught her old body when it nearly fell to the ground, laying it down safely.

A profound smirk on Sakura's face, Ino raised a hand up, "I, Sakura Haruno for-GET OUT OF MY HEAD!" A very loud and annoying voice that sounded like Sakura but different at the same time pierced the ears of everyone in the arena and Sakura's body joined Ino's unconscious on the floor.

"What the fuck," Asuma commented.

"Uhm… Double knockout, neither of them advance to the finals let's get the fuck out of here," Hayate rushed it.

"Well that was lame, they didn't even kiss."

"Kiba… You're a disgusting human being," Hinata finally chided him.

 _ **A/N:**_ **Sorry that took like a month, been hella busy as of late. Hope you all enjoyed and if you did please drop that reviewww. We had a blast using the larger cast of characters for a change! Tell us what you think!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK*

"I wonder who that could be," Naruto muttered from the kitchen.

" _What tormented soul would want to see you at this hour?"_

"Oh screw you Kulama," He retorted absentmindedly and headed towards the door and ignored Kurama's irritated growl. _Seriously, why does my second voice like to make so many animal-like noises? I'm twelve years old for God's sake._

Opening the door, the surprise guest turned out to be more like a total shock,"Sasuke?" Naruto blinked. Sasuke didn't 'hang out,' with Naruto. Sasuke didn't hang out with anyone. It was almost midnight and there was no way he came because of a mission or some shit they had three weeks left to prepare for the finals.

"Let me spend the night loser!"

"The fuck?" Naruto stared at him, silence ensued and Naruto shut the door in Sasuke's face.

"NARUTO OPEN THE DOOR, I need your help!" Sasuke begrudgingly admitted.

Naruto complied, "What?"

" _Why did you reopen the door you buffoon?"_ Kurama protested.

"Just let me inside, and hurry! I don't want her to figure out where I am! _Please._ "

 _Woah, Sasuke said please. That's the first time I've ever heard him say that; this is serious,_ "All right, come in asshole."

"Thanks prick," Sasuke retorted and the two walked inside, and the Uchiha sighed in relief. Freedom, it felt good.

"Who would even chase you in the middle of the night?" Naruto asked.

Sasuke said nothing, and just stared at him until Naruto could put the obvious together, "Oh, so you're hiding from Sakura then."

Sasuke nods, "Ever since her fight with Ino, she's been a fucking lunatic."

"What did she do?"

"I have broken windows in the shape of hearts, she didn't even bother to cut them with a weapon, she did it with her hands and there's blood," Sasuke shivers.

"Wow. I noticed she was acting a lot more aggressive but that's…"

"Insane," Sasuke finished, "She's absolutely lost it! She hasn't left the Uchiha premises since we got home from the preliminaries! I managed to give her the slip somehow and she's probably on the warpath searching all over the village for me as we speak."

"And you chose to come here?" Naruto asked incredulously, "We're teammates, isn't this kind of obvious?"

"No, she'll never think I'd come here. You're an idiot; why would I come here?"

"You _did_ come here bastard!"

"Exactly," Sasuke smirked.

" _Why didn't Sasuke just kill her, it would be more beneficial for us all."_

"Yo, Kuluma, not into dead chicks," Naruto shot him down.

"...What?" Sasuke stared at him.

"Sorry you couldn't hear this dumbass speak, my second voice is acting up again." Naruto explained.

Sasuke plopped himself down on the couch, "Whatever moron; I'm going to catch up on my sleep and think of a way to meet up with Kakashi, train and then come back here without Sakura ever finding me."

"Hey! I didn't say you can fucking live here!" Naruto complained.

Sasuke's face lights up, "You're right Naruto, I don't live here," Sasuke does a transformation jutsu to become Naruto, "Now I do."

" _I don't get it, all he did was make himself look dumb,"_ Kurama cackled.

Naruto sighed, great, now he had to live with _two_ assholes.

* * *

"WHERE IS MY SASUKE!" A sleepless Sakura screeched and broke down another door.

From within, another voice tried to calm her down. " _Hey, would you listen to me already! I know you're not used to being in control and actually making decisions, but trashing Sasuke's house is going to make him hate us!"_ The second voice beckoned.

"I NEEEEEEEED HIM, OH MY HIS SHIRT," Sakura starts rubbing the shirt all over her face.

" _Okay that's realllly weird. I'm gonna kick Ino's ass for using that stupid jutsu and getting me trapped in here. Why the hell do I even have another psyche?"_ Sakura complained.

On the outside, Inner dropped the shirt as if realizing something after Sakura's rant, " _INO…_ "

Not liking the way she heard herself say that, Sakura felt a pang in her heart, " _Wait, what are you thinking?"_ She asked but was stuck taking a backseat as Inner sprinted off in the direction of Yamanaka flowers.

" _NO DON'T DO IT, WE CAN GET IN BIG TROUBLE! GO BACK TO SMELLING THAT SHIRT!"_

* * *

It's morning at the Uzumaki apartment, Naruto is 'cooking' breakfast for both Sasuke and himself, microwaved ramen is on the menu.

"Why the fuck is ramen for breakfast?" Sasuke looks down in disappointment.

Naruto thinks he's being nice, "Well ramen is good all the time, why should it be exclusive for Lunch?"

Sasuke grabs his chopsticks and eats a small amount, "What the fuck man, why does this taste like rancid cat piss. I told you not to add anything to my ramen."

Naruto looks confused, "I didn't dude I swear, I only microwaved it."

Sasuke goes to check out the microwave only to find out he's never cleaned it and there's shit everywhere, "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!" Sasuke angrily sputtered, activating his sharingan to try and figure out how _the fuck_ this piece of shit hadn't burned out yet.

"What?" Naruto asked innocently.

"WHY DON'T YOU CLEAN YOUR FUCKING MICROWAVE YOU IMPOTENT DUMBASS! YOU'RE MAKING ME REGRET HIDING FROM SAKURA!"

"What are you talking about? The steam from the ramen cleans it all on it's own!"

Sasuke holds his head with an extremely aggravated expression, "I'm leaving. I'm leaving right now before you give me an aneurysm."

"Don't come back!" Naruto yelled at him on his way out the door.

Kakashi stops Sasuke from leaving the apartments, "Where do you think you're going? You're in our witness protection program now, you must not leave Naruto's apartment. It's the safest place from _her."_

"Why does everyone think that! If we're all on the same team… Then this should be one of the first places she looks!" Naruto argued.

Kakashi shot him a look with his uncovered eye, "Sorry I'm not following you Naruto; I don't see why she would think Sasuke's here."

"If I'm going to be stuck here, can you guys bring me food," Sasuke scowled at Naruto.

"I have food!" Naruto snapped.

"That remains to be seen!"

"I'll bring you something; for now just stay here. I think we need a Yamanaka to fix whatever happened to Sakura, otherwise I'd put a stop to her myself," The jonin explained.

* * *

A purple clad battered and bruised body of a young kunoichi twitched as she regained consciousness. Groaning at the state of her banged up body and annoying headache, Ino Yamanaka sat up and glared around the flower shop. It was a disaster in there, signs of a struggle all over the lobby. There was a broken flower pot by the door, from a customer desperate to stay out of harm's way who simply dropped what they were holding and ran. Ran away from hurricane Sakura.

Normally, Ino would be seething that she got her ass kicked and knocked out from anything other than the result of leaving her body via Mind Body Transfer jutsu at the hands of her rival but she had a feeling this whole thing was her fault anyway. That wasn't Sakura, Ino knew her old friend.

But that was the problem. It totally _was Sakura_ , no doubt about it. She'd been acting weird ever since she hit her with her Mind Transfer… At first, Ino didn't worry about it because she was too distracted by the fact that Sakura managed to force her out of her body, something that no one at genin level should have been able to do in the first place. Ino was sure that she didn't make a mistake; nothing went wrong with her jutsu. Yet, Sakura managed to force Ino's conscious out and end their match in a tie.

Since their match, Ino had attempted to get a word with Sakura and stopped by her house three times this past week; she was never there. In fact, Sakura's parents claimed she hadn't returned since the second stage of the chunin exams began. That in itself was pretty weird because Sakura didn't have a match to prepare for in the finals so why wouldn't she come home? Despite her efforts, Ino had to wait to talk about everything that had transpired between them (And also try and look for a possible clue as to why her jutsu was cancelled out), until the pink haired bitch decided to drop in the flowers shop bright and early this morning anyway.

"Sakura," Ino muttered to herself, surprised to find that she sounded kind of concerned rather than furious.

Sakura had been positively rampant when she arrived earlier that morning; she demanded to know where Sasuke was and snooped about the place like she owned it! The nerve. Naturally, Ino started being a bitch back, as was the two kunoichi's default way of interacting with one another but all it did was provoke the Haruno who was for some reason extremely paranoid and aggressive, not to mention confident and take charge. Honestly, none of those traits resembled her rival whatsoever.

Once Ino suggested that Sakura stop being a creepy stalking bitch, Sakura flew off the handle and attacked her. Out of surprise alone, Ino was put on the defensive quickly and handily defeated before being knocked out, she hated to admit it but she hadn't been prepared for that at all. How was she supposed to know Sakura was _fucking insane_ and would attack her like that with no regard for Yamanaka property OR any civilians that happened to be there at the time.

Ino rises to her feet with a resolve she didn't have very often. _I have to fix this; I have to use Mind Transfer jutsu on her again and try to make things right. Oh, and turn her in to the Hokage anyway after explaining everything and make her fix the damage she did to the shop. I hope they take it out of her pocket!_

Her mind made up, Ino took to the rooftops and set off for the Hyuga compound. She was going to need help if she was going to find Sakura and get her under control before the pinkette could do something even more rash and get into even bigger trouble.

* * *

Sakura ran into Kiba and explained to him about her situation Kiba offered his tracking expertise to help her find Sasuke. Kiba manages to track his scent to Naruto's apartment.

Kiba pets Akamaru, "This feels so weird, I've never tracked down a guy before, but then again no one has ever told me to track the other ladies I have followed too either…"

Sakura pounds on the door, "NARUTO, GIVE ME MY MAN RIGHT NOW!"

Unfortunately for Sasuke, Naruto got diarrhea and currently is in the bathroom, but fortunately for Sasuke he was still in the Naruto transformation jutsu and he answers the door, "Uh oh hey Sakura, Naru- I mean Sasuke isn't here right now. He left to go do something, I forgot."'

Sakura looks at Kiba, "Seems likely, my man left by now. Who would want to even be in Naruto's place?"

"Yeah nobody haha," Sasuke accidentally makes fun of Naruto.

"Wait a second, you're not Narut-" Sakura was about to say before she got cut off.

"SURPRISE POCKET SAND," Sasuke slammed the door and ran out the window to the roof.

Naruto runs out of the bathroom to see what all of the commotion was about and saw that he had his window open and closed it, even though he just took a massive dump.

Sakura busts the door down, "WHERE IS HE NARUTO," all but Naruto is currently dying a slow and painful death with the stench lurking about, all Kiba had to say was, "*cough* what the *cough* fuck di-*cough* -d eat *cough*.

Naruto looks down, " You know the usual, ramen."

"Nah you ate shit for breakfast," Kiba managed to get a full sentence out without a cough.

Since the smell was so bad, it covered Sasuke's scent and they went off to see they could find him again elsewhere, leaving Naruto behind.

* * *

Ten minutes had passed and Naruto was starting to relax in a chair after all the chaos passed him by. He had three shadow clones arguing amongst themselves trying to fix the door Sakura busted down and he was thinking about making some more ramen because that last batch went right through him.

Before he could decide though, a voice startled him from behind, "Loser what the hell did you do it _still_ smells awful in here and why is the window shut!"

"Hey! I accidentally covered your escape so shut the hell up! And you didn't even leave! You pulled a Shikamaru you lazy bastard!"

" _If I could warn this whelp that you're LITERALLY pondering about making more of that toxic rice water he would probably kill you. Damn this seal,"_ Kurama rambled only to be totally ignored by Naruto for once.

Opening the window, Sasuke pleaded with Naruto, "Naruto, we have to leave the village, it's not safe for me here anymore. I don't care if I get in trouble, I just want _HER_ out of my life. Hey I'll transform myself into a giant shuriken so they won't suspect a thing with two Naruto's running around just leave Iruka here."

"I don't feel like it, besides what's in it for me?" Naruto ponders.

"Uhhhh I'll buy you a new microwave?" Sasuke points at the old one.

"My microwave is fine!"

Kurama growled, " _Not that I care, but NO it is not."_

"A microwave with a self-cleaning feature built in it, one of those fancy ones because you're too much of an idiot to be trusted with a regular one," Sasuke elaborated.

Naruto sighs, "I knew I was gonna have a miserable time between the two of you."

Sasuke just stared at him blankly, idly wondering why it seemed like Naruto had a tendency to say little things like that which made absolutely no sense at all.

* * *

"I should be back in three days," Naruto told the pair of chunin.

"You still have to sign out because you're a genin. Tough luck considering you're in the finals of the chunin exams," Izumo made small talk.

"What's the rush anyway?" Kotetsu questioned, "Are you trying to do some kind of special training for your match?"

Naruto appeared anxious, "Uh oh-Yeah that's what I'm doing! I'm on my way to do some very badass training so I can kick Neji Hyuga's ass!"

Kotetsu and Izumo deadpanned, "Your opponent is _Neji?_ Oh man, better luck six months from now."

 _Oh for God's sake don't argue with them, or she'll catch up you idiot. Kiba will figure out where I am eventually._ Sasuke silently hoped that Naruto would keep his mouth shut for once from within his shuriken henge.

"WHAT!? Oh come on! I'm so much better than I was when I started! I'll kick his ass you better believe it!"

 _Fucking Naruto._ Sasuke wanted to sigh.

"Neji's a genius, kid. Love the enthusiasm, but there's not much you can do to beat him. You're not ready for that fight."

"Oh what do you know!" Naruto yelled at the chunin, "I don't remember ever taking a mission with you guys!"

Kotetsu laughed, "Okay kid look-"

"NARUTO!" A raging voice bellowed out and the next thing Naruto knew he'd been smacked in the back of the head and was launched into the gate. Upon impact, the shuriken reverted back into Sasuke; the charade was over.

Where Naruto was once standing, Sakura stood with a possessed look in her eyes and Kiba was beside her with a finger under his nose looking proud of himself for catching back onto Sasuke's trail, "Only two people have a chakra that smells like that, Sasuke," Kiba told them with a smirk.

"How did you know you were even going after the right one dogbreath?" Sasuke shot him an irritated scowl.

Kiba blinked, "Well it was obvious. One of them is you, and the other one belongs to someone that's gonna get me laid in three years."

"Shut the fuck up Kiba, I don't need you anymore. You may leave now," Sakura snapped at Kiba.

"Wow, so I help you and you don't give me anything in return? I thought I was going to get laid by you too. I'm not leaving because I don't want to miss this show."

"Kiba you must be fucking blind to think Sakura would even touch you," Ino said as she arrives with Hinata. Kiba was about to retort but then he saw Hinata and whimpered, still both salty and humiliated about what happened in the preliminary battle with his teammate.

" _Hopefully in this standoff, someone will die,"_ Kurama says enthusiastically.

"Should we do something about this?" Izumo turned to his partner.

Kotetsu just kicked back in his chair with a smile, "Hell no, this job is boring as shit let's watch this unravel. If someone's about to die then we'll stop them."

" _Grrr, damn it. Why do I even bother to hope for things anymore. It's not like I ever get anything I want."_ Kurama complained.

"STAY BACK, INO!" Sakura hissed in her and Hinata's general direction.

The tone in her voice sent a shiver down Sasuke's spine, "Get her the fuck away from me!"

"Don't worry, I came here to help!" Ino told Sasuke and Naruto, "Whatever happened to Sakura was because of my jutsu, though I don't know why," She frowned, "I'm going to try and fix her psyche by using my jutsu again. The problem is I might miss so she needs to be immobilized first." _Okay, maybe I should've brought Shikamaru along for his shadow. Oh well._

"What does immobilize mean again?" Naruto asked.

Sasuke grumbled something under his breath but instead responded to Ino, "Okay, that shouldn't be too hard."

"Sasukeee deeaarr it's time to come home!"

"You don't live with me you idiot!"

"OH YES YOU DOOO MY HONE-" Sakura was about to finish saying until a pill comes flying out of nowhere and a mysterious voice yells out, "Go to sleep, thot."

Ensue the Jiraiya's theme, "It is I, the one, the only gallant ninja, and a legendary sannin, JIIIIRRRRRRAIIIYAAAAAAA!"

"What the fuck is that stance?" Izumo yells out.

"That's a sex pose," Kiba perked up.

Everyone stared at Kiba, though Hinata actually got red faced and passed out after about one and a half seconds. What an unfortunate time to be using the Byakugan and having seen Jiraiya's body and then hearing Kiba utter those words.

Naruto cocked his head, "Did he say sannin? Hey old man can you train me?"

" _Why would you want a mouth breather to train you?_ " Okay, in his second voice's defense… Jiraiya was kind of staring off into space doing a dumb pose with his mouth open slightly but that was still kind of pushing it.

Kiba slowly walks towards Sakura because it turns out the pill was a sleeping drug, but Jiraiya stops Kiba and says, "Settle down buckaroo, this one's for Naruto."

"What?" Naruto perks up confusedly.

"As long as you aren't trying to give her to me, I don't care!" Sasuke declared.

"Ew you're a disgusting perv, get out of my way I need to perform my mind transfer jutsu to fix something dire," Ino says as she pushed Jiraiya away.

Kotetsu looks at Izumo, "How the hell is that even a sex pose? Man kids are into weird shit these days."

 _ **A/N: R n' R please! Hope everyone liked this chapter especially considering it was more on the original spectrum of things! I personally think this version of Sakura/Inner Sakura being affected by Ino is a little less anticlimatic than their canon dbl knockout was. Even though we still had a dbl knockout lol Anyway, 'til next time**_


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

 **A/N: MrTicklesMMM, just to clarify to what you were confused about in your review from last chapter... Kiba was actually referring to Sasuke's curse mark when he said there were only two people with chakra that felt like that. The 3 years comment was referring to his interaction with Anko a few chapters ago and this is my fault because I wasn't very clear about the fact he was speaking of the curse mark so that's my bad :/ lol**

On the day of the Chunin Exam Finals Shikamaru is heading towards the arena and thinks to himself, _Man Naruto has been training with that legendary sannin for the past month, I bet when he sees me, he's going to tell me, a potential adversary, everything he learned like an idiot. What a drag._

"HEY SHIKAMARU! Guess what I learned from that pervy sage," Naruto says seemingly out of nowhere.

 _And here he is, how predictable,_ "Hey Naruto, just get on with it and tell me everything."

" _That's the fifth person he's going to tell this past HOUR, Naruto why do you want to tell your opponents your new jutsus? Are you brain dead?"_

"I can summon toads," Naruto excitingly summons a tadpole.

"Are you sure? Because I'm pretty sure that's not a toad."

" _That's what you get for being an idiot, keep this up and I'll definitely make you lose in the finals."_

"Man second voice is just mad at me; I can make them bigger. Just wait and see when I teach Neji to stop being a jackass," Naruto does a hero pose.

Shikamaru just sighed, it was already too early for this shit.

* * *

"Lord Hokage," An ANBU kneeled before lord third, "Lord Kazekage will be joining you shortly."

The Hokage smiled, "Excellent, I can't wait to watch these young shinobi showcase their skills beside a man that despises me for being in charge of a village better than his."

"Of course, sir," The ANBU agreed, "I will keep you posted," And with that the shinobi dispersed in a cloud of smoke.

"This is going to be a splendid exam! I truly have a great feeling about this one," The Hokage talked aloud with enthusiasm.

* * *

"Choji," Shikamaru greeted, approaching his side and leaning against the rail.

"Shikamaru," His best friend cheerfully greeted.

"I'm here too!" Naruto announced.

"Shut up," Shikamaru grumbled.

The Uzumaki and Nara kids had just arrived to the competitors' section of the arena with only five minutes to spare. Everyone else had beat them there, well almost everyone, "Where's Sasuke?" Naruto wondered, "I want to kick his ass."

Neji snorted, bandaged arms crossed not far from them, "You needn't concern yourself with that, getting further than round one is something of a fantasy."

"You can't beat my toads," Naruto proclaimed.

Shikamaru corrects Naruto, "He means tadpoles."

"Oh that's right, Jiraiya 'trained' you, so that means you're just barely a below average ninja now? Pfft," Neji scoffed.

* * *

"Over here!" The blonde kunoichi called out, waving for her… friend?

Once Sakura pinpointed where the callout originated from, she smiled sheepishly and headed over to the other kunoichi and sat down with her, "Hey," She greeted somewhat awkwardly. Their friendship was sort of in a restoration phase; ever since Ino hit her with that jutsu in the preliminaries and her psyche's got switched and that total fiasco with Inner, the two of them were trying to make progress on their relationship. After all, even though Ino technically was the one who caused all of that, it wasn't her fault and she DID fix it. Not to mention, Inner kicked Ino's ass, which Sakura kind of had to take some responsibility for; they used to be great friends, the two of them were honestly tired of everything that had gone on between them and they mutually decided to hit the reset button.

"You're just in time!" Ino said, "No sign of Sasuke yet, but I think everyone else is here. The only other person I never saw was that weirdo from the Sound village."

Worry flushed over Sakura's face, "Uh oh… Fucking Kakashi," Sakura hung her head defeatedly.

* * *

"Ah Lord Kazekage!

The Kazekage, face covered by a veil merely gave Hiruzen a slight nod in greeting and dismissed his bodyguards. _You old fool,_ The disguised Orochimaru frowned from behind the mask. _You have no idea what is about to happen._

"I am so pleased you were able to join me; wanna take a hit?" He gestured his pipe.

"No thanks…"

"C'mon, you have to try it at least once."

"I'm sure I'll be entertained just fine enough as I am," The 'Kazekage,' stubbornly refuted him.

Hiruzen snorted, "Suit yourself I suppose; I'm gonna get lit. How was your trip? Was it longer than last time?"

"How could it possibl- No, no it wasn't." _Senile old man._

* * *

"All right listen up," Genma, the jonin that was the final proctor, quieted down the packed audience. These little runts drew quite the crowd.

Chewing on a senbon needle for whatever reason, Genma addressed everyone in the arena,"The final stage of the exam starts now; any competitor that isn't here when I call their name is automatically disqualified. No exceptions; I don't care who you are. You already know the bracket, so I don't need to go over that. Good luck, the first match begins in five minutes." And with that, the crowd roared in excitement.

"Why am I the first match again? Seriously?" Shikamaru complained.

"I don't know why you're upset; I'm jealous that you keep getting lucky!" Naruto deadpanned.

"Yeah right," Shikamaru drawled, "Lucky my ass; I don't even want to be here. Choji doesn't even have to fight until round two… THAT'S lucky."

"And I literally only did this so that Asuma would be forced to keep making up food based incentives based on our performance," Choji admitted with a glee in his voice that made Naruto's skin crawl just a little bit.

"Hey um…" Hinata struggled to speak up, and her eyes darted to the floor, "I just wa-wanted to w-wish all o-of y-you goodlu-uck if th-that's okay."

Temari of the Sand looked indifferent, Neji sneered at her, while the other Leaf ninja just seemed surprised considering they were all being pitted against each other. Gaara barely glanced at her, but his eyes were dangerous, "You should worry about yourself; I've already made mother my promise. I never break my promises to mother," His voice coldly placated.

"Thanks a bunch Hinata!" Naruto, oblivious to Gaara's threat, showed his appreciation and Hinata instantly turned red as a tomato and passed out.

"Um, Hinata?"

Shikamaru just facepalmed, this whole thing was such a drag. Oh that's right, and he still had to fight a woman too.

"Temari of the Sand and Shikamaru of the Leaf proceed to the battlefield," Genma called out.

* * *

"Hey!" A hand shook Naruto awake by the shoulder.

"Woah, what happened, why was I asleep? Oh my God did I start my match and lose because of some secret Hyuga genjutsu!?" He panicked.

"...No. You fell asleep watching Shikamaru's match," Choji supplied.

"W-We dd-don't even have ss-ometh-thing like that," Hinata tried to converse with her infatuation but he didn't even hear her because she said it so softly and replied Choji instead.

"OH. Yeah that's right… It was taking forever… And I got really bored, and then I got hungry and then I just kinda blacked out."

Shikamaru returns to the competitor's waiting area, with the Suna girl shortly behind him, "Troublesome, I do all of that and you can't even stay awake."

"Did you win?"

"Nope, I forfeited after capturing her with my shadow."

"That… Sounds really dumb."

"I'm not going into detail if you can't be bothered to stay awake to see it for yourself; I didn't want to fight anyway, I sure ain't going to give you a play-by-play recap of the battle."

"Battle? It wasn't a _battle;_ I FELL ASLEEP trying to watch it!"

Shikamaru snorted, "That's because our battle was too advanced for your brain and so it went over your head."

"All brains, no stamina," Temari smirked and pushed past her now defeated opponent.

Shikamaru frowned, he didn't know why but he felt inclined to prove himself which was really odd, and so he replied, "You know; in a real battle you would've been killed by Choji here. Like it or not, I _did_ trap you."

Temari turned back to glare at him, "In a real battle you never would've trapped me… You would be running away with your tail between your legs from Gaara!"

Shika smirked, "Maybe, yeah. But definitely not from you." Choji raised an eyebrow at this; this was very peculiar behavior from Shikamaru of all people. Temari seethed but left it at that and walked away.

"Troublesome woman."

"Up next are Dosu Kinuta and Sasuke Uchiha!" Genma shouted out.

"Damn it, the bastard still isn't here… And I really wanted to fight him!" Naruto complained.

"Isn't it weird that they're _both_ not here?" Choji pointed out, "Should we be worried?"

After a whole minute passed, Genma was getting impatient, "Last chance… Dosu Kinuta and Sasuke Uchiha, come down here or get disqualified!"

As if waiting for that very cue, a cloud of smoke erupted right next to Genma, eventually revealing Kakashi and Sasuke standing back to back, Sasuke all dressed clad in black with a battle thirsty smirk and Kakashi reading his porn...Again. Genma shook his head impassively, "Kakashi you never change, do you?" He asked rhetorically.

He then turned to address the entire arena, "Sasuke Uchiha advances on the grounds of disqualification to Dosu."

"What!?" Sasuke blurted.

Genma merely gave him a curt nod, "Your opponent isn't here. Go join the other competitors in the waiting area."

"You've got to be fucking kidding me!" Sasuke complained, "I go to the trouble of timing that perfect entrance at the last second and all it gets me is a front row ticket to wait for round two!"

Genma said nothing.

Sighing, Sasuke relented, "Damn it…. Naruto better win his fight; I'm getting something out of today," He persisted, idly touching his neck due to a slight tremor of pain from his curse mark. That stupid thing was getting better but whenever his temper flared it would strike him hard.

* * *

"We got Neji of the Hyuga clan vs Naruto Uzumaki," Genma announced.

"Finally I get to teach this tough guy a lesson," Naruto added.

"You may begin the match."

Neji goes into his battle stance, "I don't even need to use my byakugan to defeat a wimp such as yourself."

Naruto immediately creates his shadow clones and surrounds Neji, unlucky for Naruto Neji has acquired a new move and does a revolving heaven, destroying all the clone and knocking Naruto back.

"Wow so cool, I can make more clones than you can spin," Naruto says as he makes a lot more clones.

Naruto had a plan to have his real self jump at Neji after he spins again to land a hit, but Neji was too smart to fall for such a simple strategy, "Hmpff, you may honestly get me to use my byakugan here."

He starts his plan of attack and has his clone lunge him in the air to be almost perfectly above Neji when he's done spinning, but right after he spins he immediately activates his byakugan grabs Naruto by the arm and throws him down harder than he would have landed normally, "Okay you got lucky that I had to use my byakugan."

Kurama growled in his subconscious, " _Listen to this whelp prattle on endlessly about those eyes. I bet they won't do him much good the day I turn him into toejam."_

"Yeah Kadurma, his eyes are not the deciding factor here, my clones are!" Naruto says to himself outloud.

"I thought you had TOA-," Sasuke was about to say before Kakashi puts his hand on his mouth.

"Don't get him to embarrass himself with his tadpole Sasuke, he may lose this fight as it is and there's no need to add more salt to the wound," Kakashi explained.

Naruto thinks to himself, _hmm I was supposed to do something this round to Neji, but I forgot… Hmmm… What would Sakura do? Substitution jutsu! Yeah no… Maybe it's my sexy transformation jutsu._

Naruto does his sexy transformation jutsu, "Hey perv, why are you looking at a nude lady?"

"God damn that Naruto and his women jutsu sure gets me hard," Hiruzen looks at the Kazekage.

The 'Kazekage' is mortified, _I seem to have forgotten my sensei was a perv, well that gives me more reason to kill him_. _Especially considering the extra muscle this 'woman' has._

Neji played it cool, trying not to get too angry lest he do something overly damaging to another Leaf ninja, even this fool, "Naruto let me give you some advice, women don't have penises… and it was obvious you didn't care if someone saw it either because that's fucking small."

Sasuke looks at Kakashi, "What about me not getting Naruto more embarrassed?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Kakashi takes his book out.

Naruto blinks, and disperses the jutsu, "Wait wait wait… Roll it back. I'm a little confused."

"I'm so underpaid," Genma grumbled, "I wonder if there's a disqualification clause for intentional nudity."

"Hey, did anyone else notice Hinata fainted?" Choji pointed out.

"Why did that have no affect on you? Do you like men?" Naruto accused, "No wonder you're so rude to Hinata."

Neji facepalms, "Well it was obvious you still have a dick, I can see through the cloud shit dumbass."

"Wow that means you didn't even look at my enormous breasts… that's the main point of it… Back to the drawing board with that."

"WHO taught you biology?" Neji grumbled.

Naruto reaches for his back, "My shuriken, oh shit I forgot his dumbass. Nooooo."

"Looks like your all out of tricks, besides your shadow clone spam I'll have to tolerate until you are defeated," Neji moves himself into a defensive position.

"Oh yeah, did I tell you I can summon toads now?" Naruto riles himself up.

"Yes I heard that multiple times already, why are you being such a nuisance about your damn tadpoles," Neji lowers his guard.

"Watch this," Naruto summons a car sized tadpole, "What the fuck, that's not what is supposed to happen at all.

Neji sees there's a large letter on the back of the tadpole and he reads it outloud, "Gamabunta says fuck off."

"What a fucking bitch, we had a deal that he would show up and now he's blowing me off. I'll just spam toad summons until it works," Naruto proceeds to summon more tadpoles, all of them are large in size too.

"Just quit if that's all you have, you're wasting our time," Neji remarked.

"Go fuck yourself and your eyes, I'll get it right soon don't worry too much about your inevitable end. After this you're going to regret ever being mean to Hinata," Naruto is painfully frustrated and focuses his chakra so damn well that the big toad had no other choice.

"WHAT THE HELL DUDE, I TOLD YOU IF I DON'T RESPOND THAT MEANS I'M TAKING A MASSIVE SHIT. I GOT DIARRHEA FROM MA'S COOKING GOD DAMMIT!" Gamabunta cried out, "My fucking ass burns."

Naruto points to Neji, "Gamabunta, I want you to sit on that guy over there."

"There's not a God damn good reason why should sit on somebody when my ASS hurts."

Naruto stomps on the ground, "Well you gotta do something."

Gamabunta purposely misses Neji when he smacks his hand on the ground and Neji's face has the look of regret of a man who has realized his previous wrong doings, "Please Naruto, I promise I'll stop being such a dick to everyone as often, just don't get me killed."

Naruto "I'll let you live if only you forfeit, you should stop being an angsty little prick about whatever is bothering you, we don't care; also you disrespect Hinata, the future head of your clan she's too nice to everyone and you're a dick to her all of the time," Naruto chuckled,"Now forfeit before Gamabunta eats you."

" _How the hell are you still not eliminated? Or better yet, dead? You've been repeatedly making a fool of yourself this entire exam!"_ Kurama opened up for the first time in awhile.

* * *

"Oh my God… Naruto actually WON!" Sakura got out of her seat excitedly.

"I...I honestly can't believe it!" Ino joined her.

" _Wait…. NARUTO is better than us? What the fuck!"_ Inner-Sakura butted in but Sakura ignored her, she was still pretty pissed off at Inner.

"Well this was a surprise, and we haven't even got the _honor_ of watching Sasuke fight yet!" Ino dreamily got even more excited.

* * *

 _Jiraiya's teaching that moron? I suppose that isn't too surprising, after all it is Minato's son as well as the Jinchuriki._ The 'Kazekage' mused to himself.

"Well I believe it is your son that is up next, isn't that right Lord Kazekage?"

"You didn't bother mentioning this when it was my daughter."

"Wait really?" Hiruzen actually almost stumbled, "No offense but she doesn't look anything like you, at all," He leans in to whisper, "...Are you sure she's really yours?"

 _How the hell hasn't the fourth war started at some point by now?_ 'Kazekage' questioned.

"Yes...For God's sake."

* * *

"Gaara of the Desert and Hinata Hyuga will round out the first round, and the first bout of the second round will feature Choji Akimichi for the first time. Get down here."

Genma then turned back to Naruto, "Tell that fucking frog it can leave"

"I'm not a FROG, smart guy!" Gamabunta roared at Genma.

"Aight Naruto, tell me when that bitch ass 1-tail jinchuuriki causes any problems, I'll be willing to fight his dumbass," Gamabunta says before dispersing.

"Okay since the frog cunt is gone, will Hinata and Gaara please enter the arena and since I'm already getting tired of this, the fight will commence when both of you are in."

Neji yells out, "You just offended every woman in the whole arena."

Genma shrugs, "I honestly don't give a shit, we're shinobi, we're just going to die anyway."

Gaara and Hinata enter the arena and Gaara immediately surrounds himself with sand, he has seen how a Hyuga fights and knows they rely on taijutsu, "Come at me cretin, I want to acquire your eyes to make myself the most powerful ninja out there."

The 'Kazekage' thinks to himself, _I'm proud of my pretend son._

"I'll have your eyes… Mother will have your blood!" Gaara finished. _._

"Yo what the fuck is this shit, we went from some laughable fight to this psycho child wanting to steal a girls eyes," Izumo pointed out from somewhere in the crowd, wondering if this was what it was like outside of gate duty for the real shinobi.

"Gaara you fucking idiot, if you kill her you don't get to keep her eyes as a prize," Sasuke yells out, offended by the practice.

"You may begin when ready," Genma told them.

"I-I have to be strong!" Hinata declared, trying not to succumb to the pressure of the entire arena watching her at the same time. _Oh my God I want to throw up… Everyone is looking at me!_

Gaara launches sand spears towards Hinata and she clumsily dodge them all.

"Hinata!" A surprising voice caught Hinata's attention, "Focus. Shut everyone else out and display the power of the Hyuga clan!" Neji of all people encouraged her.

Naruto, Shikamaru and Choji looked at Neji oddly, but he didn't offer any explanation. _Strangely enough, it was Naruto that taught me something today. Being the stronger person doesn't make you better than them or a good person. I lost today because I'm arrogant and played with my food… This was my wake up call._

Inspired by unexpected support from her cousin, Hinata tried to calm down and activated her Byakugan. Hinata has to be on the offensive if she wants to win this fight so she steadily moves towards the child psychopath, "I-I won't let you take my eyes because I wo-won't die."

"It's a very simple strategy…" Shikamaru leaned on the rail.

Unseen by anyone, Gaara has been slowly surrounding the floor around Hinata with his sand and encases her completely, "HINATA!" multiple friends of hers panicked.

Silence filled the arena for a moment, the spectators wondering if the fight was already over and beginning to feel disappointment. The shinobi were watching intensely, as if expecting something and Hinata's close friends looked worried. The Hyuga clan on the other hand was impassive as ever.

"HINATA!" Naruto yelled out again but nothing was happening.

"Did we just watch one of our classmates die for a promotion in the span of like fifteen seconds?" Sasuke muttered.

"Shut up bastard! She's fine! I think…" Naruto lamely berated him.

"Neji?" Shikamaru prompted.

"Right," He said simply, and activated his byakugan, "She's still alive," He assured them but then he made an uncharacteristic expression of surprise.

Hinata has a flashback to what her father told her before the fight, "I know you're a disappointment to me, but your mother would be angry at me if you got killed, the secret to fighting a sand user like that is cutting off its chakra, it's that simple."

"Okay… Here it goes…" Hinata whispered to herself inside the sand trap.

Meanwhile, outside the battlefield, "What? What's happening, Neji?"

Neji smirked, "Gaara is about to find out his ultimate defense isn't so perfect as he thinks."

Gaara's face twitches in a confused manner, "What… What did she do!?" He demands as the sand he once had control of was rapidly being jettisoned off of her, eventually revealing her completely unharmed in a taijutsu stance with her palms stretched out.

"Your sand is useless against me, I almost feel bad for your misfortune but you're honestly really mean and rude."

"..." Gaara just stared at her.

"Wow, we really need to teach her how to talk shit," Naruto mumbled.

" _Hehehehehehehe,"_ Gaara's one-tail laughed at him like a witch.

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" Gaara now holds his forehead in tremendous pain.

"Oh no!" Temari cried, "Where's Kankuro at? He needs to give him the aspirin!"

Gaara starts throwing sand at Hinata, but Hinata just disperses it with a palm strike aimed at each and every one, seemingly effortlessly.

Gaara scratches his faces making red marks, "NOW I CAN'T EVEN KILL THIS PATHETIC OPPONENT!"

Hinata finally gets close enough to attack Gaara and as a last minute effort from Gaara he tries to have his sand be on the defensive, but it is no use as she just cuts through it like butter.

Hinata gets a knockout blow and defeats Gaara and Genma takes center stage, "This concludes the first round of the day."

" _Hehehehe now it's my time to shine…."_ One-tail's voice echoed through Gaara's mind as he loses consciousness.

 _ **A/N:**_ **Hope yall enjoyed! I honestly think the idea of Hyuga clan members being able to splice through Gaara's sand defenses is very interesting; when we thought of this, we were thinking of Neji's ability to cut through Kidomaru's webs.**

 **Anyway, look forward to starting the invasion arc til next time guys let us know what you think ;)**


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

 _ **A/N:**_ **Yooo Ez with another chap les' go! Sorry. Way too into the music… At least I deleted some of that lol.**

" _Hehehehehehehehehehehehe!"_ Rang through Gaara's ears as he lost consciousness from Hinata's final blow. " _Now it's my turn!"_

Genma took center stage, "This concludes the first round of the day," He announced, but his eyes darted to the downed boy in confusion, as if sensing something was about to happen.

Gaara's body sprung itself back up with a maniacal look in his eyes and unlike before he was unstable. His chakra was soaring to heights most thought unimaginable and his body began… transforming? One of his arms suddenly bulked up and changed to the very color of his sand and gained a huge amount of muscle mass.

"Oh shit," Genma grabbed Hinata and got the fuck away from him.

"Hey guys look, the Sand's jinchuriki is transforming, let's just stare and watch it happen rather than do something while he's still vulnerable!" A random chunin called out from the stands.

" _The Hidden Sand village seem to not know how to seal the one-tail… how pathetic."_

"What are you talking about Culuma? Something about tails? I don't see any tails."

A tail abruptly springs out of Gaara's backside as he literally grows to new heights.

Naruto backtracked, "Ohhh umm how did you know that was going to happen?" No response. "I hate you second voice."

" _The feeling is mutual."_

The 'Kazekage' frowned behind his veil. _That buffoon! He was supposed to wait for the signal!_

"Hey Kazekage, tell your son to calm the fuck down, he's acting like a complete retard," Hiruzen commented.

 _Oh fuck it. Time to end the charade._ Orochimaru bit his thumb and waved his hands through a few quick hand signs, "Summoning jutsu!" He called out and the Kage's box was thoroughly demolished from the seemingly random appearance of a gigantic three headed snake, with the summoner on top of the middle head.

"What is the meaning of this!" Hiruzen demanded, casting aside his robes, revealing his old school armor.

The 'Kazekage' bellowed with laughter, and ripped the hat and veil off… and also his face, which was...ahem, interesting. "Surprise motherfucker!" Orochimaru finally revealed himself at last.

"I should have noticed it was you, I was wondering why I kept smelling snakes, I didn't want to sound like a racist."

"You always were afraid of offending people you naive old man!"

Hiruzen covering his nose, "And you always smelled like snakes, seriously take a shower."

Orochimaru scoffed, "Whatever you old prune! What are you my dad?"

"No, I suppose not. But I probably should finally tell you what happened to him, I think you're old enough now."

Orochimaru deadpanned, " _Now?_ Something tells me this is decades overdue but please do go on… I'm about to kill you anyways."

"He was one of my political opponents that believed the Leaf should share the wealth with other villages; Danzo had him assassinated. I always felt bad about it so I decided to teach you how to be a shinobi. Seems I should've just agreed to let Danzo kill the 'entire family,' which is what he actually wanted. Oh well."

Orochimaru gritted his teeth, "Danzo huh, no matter I'm going to kill him too. In fact, now I'm going to shove a living snake up his ass."

"If we weren't about to fight to the death, I wouldn't get in your way," Hiruzen admitted.

"Hey shouldn't we be helping Lord Hokage?" Hokage's ANBU bodyguard number one pointed out.

"Oh you're right" ANBU bodyguard number two agreed.

Orochimaru ordered the giant snake to embark towards the village, leaving himself and Hiruzen alone on top of the ruins he just created, "Imbeciles, use the barrier jutsu so no one can interrupt my fight with the old man."

"Shit, what do we do, help Lord third, stop the jinchuriki or the giant snake?" A chunin asked.

"Well, ANBU can stop the snake, right?"

Elsewhere… "What the fuck is going on outside? I'm on my fucking break I swear to god if they ruin my coffee enjoyment," the Jonin looks outside, "God fucking dammit, every fucking time I have my stupid fucking break these fucking idiots do something that requires emergency assistance, fuck you Leaf village, I'm going to enjoy this coffee while it's still HOT! The whole village can crumble I don't give a shit we'll just make Tenzo rebuild it!"

Meanwhile back in the arena, a barrier formed around the Hokage and Orochimaru, giving them their own private showdown, "Damn it," ANBU bodyguard number one muttered, guess we stop the jinchuriki then."

Just as he said that, a random spectator yells out "HIDDEN SAND WITH US!" A bunch of Sound ninja randomly swarmed the arena with Sand ninja following shortly behind. Having heard the declaration, many shinobi in the audience began attacking nearby Leaf ninja, sending all of the civilians and nobles in panic.

"Orrrr that could happen," ANBU bodyguard number two replied.

One of the invaders went straight for one of the richest politicians in the stands, looking to eliminate a high priority target to help the Sound gain influence in his territory only for Hiashi Hyuga to intercept him and stick a lethal jab right into his heart, "Hyuga clan! Protect the feudal snobs! It is our duty!"

Guy sensei meets up with the Leaf genin, "Okay so with your power of youth, you guys have to go after the sand genin, Lee, I want you to do your workout routine… You need to not even tag along for the mission to show them we're over confident! Hold on, where the fuck did that sand monster go?"

"He's heading towards the village sensei!" Tenten urged, joining those who were in the competition, with Kiba and Shino following her.

"I will do my best GUY-SENSEI! I will show them how great my youth is!" Lee declared and dropped to the ground to do ten-thousand pushups.

Genma then appeared beside them and let Hinata go, "Guy, you're sending them after the _one-tail?"_

"Yes."

Wearily, Genma replied, "Guy… That's retarded."

"They will defeat this beast with the power of YOOOUUUTHHH!"

"What a drag, not only do we have to chase that psychopath, but we have to put up with this shit now," Shikamaru tiringly says.

Sasuke sighed, "Genma… Why can't _you_ give us some orders?"

"Technically Guy has more authority than I do when it pertains to you guys because some of you are on his team," He explained, "Sorry, I really am. Rest in peace."

"SASUKE!" Sakura and Ino caught up to them, "Did anyone attack you!? Are you hurt?"

Sasuke facepalms, "Oh my God… Nevermind I hope we all die from the big ass sand monster."

* * *

"How did they get through our defenses without anyone sending out an alert?" Asuma barked, cutting a Sand jonin down with his chakra blade.

"That… Might be our fault," Kotetsu admitted shamefully.

"We were supposed to be guarding the gate…" Izumo supplied, "Nothing ever happens and we wanted to see the fights so we just… Bounced."

"You guys might actually get hanged after this… we'll see what the Hokage thinks," Asuma lights his cigarette with the dead jonin's lighter.

"Well for now, we've got to stop these bastards, what are your orders?" Kotetsu asked him.

"Take point."

"Fuck."

Meanwhile, Kakashi was trying to pursue Gaara himself, "Get out of my way!" He shouted and cut down another _annoying_ Sound chunin with his Raikiri. _This is the best chance I've had to die in years! This is way better than that run in with Zabuza! I just have to catch up to him, but these ninja keep getting in my way…._

As if on cue, a whole squad of Sand ninja landed in front of him and cut him off, one of which launched a wind jutsu at him which he ducked under, "You guys chose the wrong target," His lone revealed eye narrowed on them as he reached for his mask and pulled it down for his sharingan.

"Shit, that's porn ninja Kakashi!"

"We better proceed with extreme caution, and drag the fight out."

 _God damn it._

* * *

"Sarutobi!" Hashirama Senju's re-animation blurted in surprise, "You're… Old."

Hiruzen sulked, "A lot of talk coming from the Hokage of an extinct generation."

Tobirama's re-animation was less than pleased with being revived, "This is my jutsu!" He spat, "It's supposed to be forbidden, did you learn it and bring us here Saru? Or are we being used against the village?"

A creepy chuckle came from behind the two dead Kage, "Let's go with that last one…" creepy chuckle again, " _Lord Second_ ," the snake Sannin licked his lips.

 _At least I don't have to fight the Lord Fourth._ "You won't get away with this Orochimaru!"

Hashirama shook his head in disappointment, "Always conflict, no matter what era."

"And to think I died for the security of this village," Tobirama muttered, "Just so some prick can use me to kill my own successor with my own jutsu nonetheless!"

Hashirama randomly busted up laughing in an extremely unkage-like manner, causing both Hiruzen and Orochimaru to sweatdrop, "What are you laughing at!" Tobirama scowled.

"My apologies elder brother, I just found the irony of that hilarious."

Tobirama crossed his arms and gave his brother an indifferent look through his re-animated pupils, "We shall see how ironic it is…" He paused to channel chakra while making a single seal, "When I break free!"

A carefree smile overtook Orochimaru's face and he made a handseal as well, putting an abrupt stop to the second Hokage's meddling, "Now, now Lord Second, do behave for me… I wouldn't want to embarrass you anymore than I have to. After all out of all the Hokage I respect you the most."

"Orochimaru you're just saying that to piss me off!" Hiruzen accused.

Orochimaru chuckled again, "Is it working?"

"No, you idiot! I'm already pissed off, you're destroying my village!"

"SARUTOBI, DEFEND YOURSELF!" Tobirama abruptly warned as he lost control of his actions and charged him.

Hiruzen, ever the experienced shinobi, evaded the second Hokage's initial assault while also being aware of the wood style jutsu that rained down on him from the heavens from Lord First, barely avoiding a quick capture, "Blast… It's going to be a pain fighting the two of you at the same time. If only Danzo didn't make Itachi execute the Uchiha! We would still have Shisui's ultimate genjutsu and the two of you could simply be turned on Orochimaru and be done with it."

"Fuck the Uchiha!" Tobirama scowled, "If they're dead then that means this _is_ a safer world."

"Don't say such things brother!" Lord First snarled angrily.

"Isn't this just a splendid little reunion!" Orochimaru cackled, and willed the two former Kage to go back on the offensive.

Someone knocks on the barrier, "Can you guys hurry up? You're blocking the restroom with that barrier."

"Go use the bathhouse like Jiraiya!" Hiruzen spat at the incompetent chunin while trying to engage Tobirama in taijutsu.

Hashirama cocks his head, "Wait do you know what happened to my granddaughter, Hiruzen?"

"Oh, yeah she abandoned her post and runs up more debts than you did and pretends to have gigantic tits. They're amazing though."

"Hm, that sounds about right," Hashirama accepted.

"Damn it little brother you turned my niece into a slut!" Tobirama disapproved.

"It's not my fault I swear, the Uzumaki women are fucking wild and it's apparently genetic too."

"Enough with the chit chat, you will fight now in silence," Orochimaru strengthened his control on them.

* * *

"Quick, Hinata use your byakugan to find the sand monster!" Naruto urged.

"B-But… Nar-ruto…" She tried to respond.

Pointing up ahead of the genin force, "Dude, it's right there you moron," Kiba sneered, "How do you not see the huge sand racoon thing?"

"Giant and ridiculous looking," Shikamaru interjected.

"If only you could smell him…" Kiba pinched his own nose.

"Ohhh there it is!" Naruto finally found it as it leveled an entire block with a swing of its arm, Choji facepalms.

" _Hehehehehehehehehehehehehe,"_ The One tail roared.

"Tack on annoying to your previous list," Sasuke muttered.

Kurama is irritated seeing his brother, " _Someone shut that dumbass raccoon up, I'm trying to sleep here."_

"I don't know Cormana, I would feel bad hurting my brother", Naruto replies to Kurama outloud.

Ignoring Naruto completely, Neji spoke up, "We need to make a plan while that _thing_ is distracted."

"Yeah Shikamaru make a plan! We need you to tell us what to do!" Ino rested her hands on her hips and glared at her lazy teammate.

"Sadly our best plan will have to be Naruto based because you know… he can summon… toads…" Shikamaru begrudgingly admitted. Why did it feel so shitty to have a moron be his ace in the hole for once?

"NARUTO? ARE YOU SERIOUS WHY HIM? I CAN TAKE HIM OUT WATCH ME!" Sasuke activates his chidori and rushes to the One-Tail, gaining his attention. He leaps into the air and then gets swatted.

The One-Tail is looking right at Naruto, " _Hehehehe, it has been a long time since we've seen each other, Kurama. Funny how you're imprisoned with a incompetent child as well, I thought you said no one can capture you._ "

Hinata steps back out of fear, "Don't worry," Choji rested a hand on her shoulder, "Shikamaru probably already has like forty plans!"

"Just out of curiosity… What is the worst plan you have so far?" Shino broke his silence.

"My worst? That's easy…" Shikamaru drawled, "In that plan, Sakura is to use a ton of chakra to substitute all of us out of harm's way and then dies of chakra exhaustion."

"I'm not doing that!" Sakura fumed.

"Well generally you don't start with the worst plan," Shikamaru rolled his eyes.

" _Why are you ignoring me Kurama? It isn't like you to act like such a coward! Heheheheheheheheehehehe!"_

" _Be silent you unitailed pussy!"_ Kurama growled back but only Naruto and Shukaku heard him.

"Yo! We're also here," Kankuro informed the group with his puppet out and Temari standing beside him armed with her fan.

Shikamaru groaned, "This just keeps on getting better and better."

"You really think so?" Naruto confusedly questioned.

"Shut up."

" _Why haven't you told the boy the power you possess? Surely that'll set you free, unless… you're attached to incompetence,"_ Shukaku questions Kurama.

Naruto responds to Shukaku, "That doesn't make any since brother, why would I hold back my own power?"

Kurama facepalms, " _WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE STUCK INSIDE THIS IDIOT! You weren't there when I was sealed, the motherfucker knew Uzumaki sealing arts and sealed HALF OF ME inside this kid. Go fuck yourself asshole!"_

" _I was poorly sealed into this kid by a drunk Suna scientist that was over his head. Actually, he's stuck in here with me too. Repulsive human."_ Shukaku returned.

" _Consider yourself lucky, I can barely even do anything and only had a chance to control his body once and it was painful,"_ Kurama groaned.

Shikamaru frustratingly yells at Naruto, "Hey dumbass, why don't you summon your big toad?"

Naruto isn't paying any attention and Sakura throws a rock but misses him, "Who threw that rock? I was thinking about how Ichiraku Ramen sounds good right now," Naruto speaks back towards his team.

Sakura blushed in embarrassment, "I don't know… I didn't see anything I was watching the monster!"

"I'll aim for it's eyes while its distracted," Tenten told them and launched a flurry of weapons at the One-tail only for Temari to counter them with her wind scythe jutsu.

"Damn it. Well, that's all I got," Tenten lamely shrugged.

"Why are you even here!" Sasuke shouted at her as he limped back over to them rubbing his temple.

"Kiba and I will keep the other Sand ninja at bay," Shino volunteered.

"Oh fuck yeah! Finally some action!" Kiba cheered.

Kankuro raised an eyebrow, "What did you consider all _this_?" He gestured the ongoing invasion.

"What? I'm talking about how I'm totally gonna bang your sister!" Kiba declared energetically.

"What!?" Temari/Kankuro sputtered.

"Do the thing you did at the finals you buffoon!" Ino impatiently yells out.

"Oh right I forgot I can summon toads," Naruto does his summoning jutsu but nothing happens,

"That's odd… this has never happened to me before. Let me do it again," Naruto does the summoning jutsu again but this time Gamakichi is summoned, "Hey boss, give my pops a few."

"So Shikamaru... Is it time for plan Sakura yet?" Ino asked.

"Apparently we only need a few minutes for the toads so let's just run," Shikamaru already started running.

"I wouldn't mind seeing her do something for a change, but all right," Sasuke followed, with several others falling in.

A few minutes have passed and Naruto believes it's time to summon him again, instead of only summoning Gamabunta, he also summons Gamahiro and Gamaken, Gamahiro speaks for the first time in his life, "Gang gang".

Gamabunta already has his weapon drawn, "Sorry for the delay Naruto; this monster doesn't deserve a fair fight!"

"You guys are treating this like it is personal," Sakura questions him.

"It is personal, he's an annoying fuck."

" _Heheheheheehehehehehe,"_ The One-tail screeched once again.

"See!" Gamabunta justified.

"I just want everyone here to know… I am ungraceful," Gamaken announced, clumsily reaching for his weapon.

"Would you stop going on about that!" Gamabunta demanded, "And help me make my new racoon skin wallet. I wanted it to be snake but ah well this will have to do."

Sakura leans into Ino's ear, "Let's keep quiet about the giant snake that's somewhere else terrorizing the village just in case these toads leave us hanging."

"A snake you say?" Naruto scratches his chin but both Sakura and Ino emerge behind him and slap his mouth shut.

Shukaku charged up a quick beast bomb and fired it toward the direction of the village, luckily for them, Gamabunta hits it with his sword, "Get that weak ass shit out of here, I told you last time that shit won't work again pussy."

The beast bomb is sent in the air, exploding about a mile up.

"It's like what he said, it's gang gang time," Gamabunta says as his squad charges towards the Shukaku.

* * *

Meanwhile at an undisclosed location…

"What do you have to report?" The leader of the two wearing matching cloaks asked.

Zetsu's white half tried to respond but all that came out of his mouth were incoherent noises, "What's the matter with him?" The one calling himself 'Pain,' demanded.

Black Zetsu replied, "I wanted him to the shut the fuck up so I challenged him to eat a box of tide pods." White Zetsu mumbled some more incoherent shit.

"I see…" Pain's rinnegan eyes narrowed, "Then I shall ask you… Black Zetsu, what do you have to report in this unexpected meeting?"

"I just thought you would like to be informed that the Sand and Sound village's are commencing an invasion on the Leaf and the One-tail is involved, a toad summoner seems to be trying to stop Shukaku's rampage at this very moment."

"Toads?" Pain repeated, "I see…. So Master Jiraiya has engaged Suna's jinchuriki."

"No, surprisingly it's from his retarded apprentice who happens to be the Nine-Tailed jinchuriki."

"Retarded? How can he be if he summoned more than one toad?" Pain is shocked.

"Well you haven't heard what comes out of his mouth, it disappoints even White Zetsu," Black Zetsu sighs.

Ignoring the mumbling now coming from a now offended White Zetsu, Pain's rinnegan closes as he mulls this information over, "This intrigues me; I'll have to send Sharkbait and Itachi to get a closer look at their target."

Before the brief meeting came to a close, White Zetsu once again futily tried to speak up but just made an indescribable noise.

* * *

The Toads defeated Shukaku and Gaara is finally conscious again, "Thank god you guys rescued me. That was a fucking nightmare."

Naruto squints at Gaara, "What do you mean brother? We were in that nightmare."

"What? No I'm talking about this idiot that is apparently sealed with Shukaku… he's fucking annoying and drunk," Gaara groans.

Sasuke yells out, "Why aren't you being a ragey little bitch anymore?"

"While trapped in my mind I had time to think that I should stop being a dick to everyone or else I'll have to hear that idiot speak about something that doesn't even make sense," Gaara holds his face.

Before either side could try and start anymore shit with each other, Kakashi appeared between all of them, "DAMN IT! I'm too late!" He groaned, death escaped him once again.

"Woah sensei… You're doused in blood…" Sakura pointed out with concern.

Kakashi eyesmiled, "Not to worry, almost none of it is mine."

"That's what my sis said when she got aids," Kiba shivered.

"I… Don't even want to know the context of that, or if it's true," Shikamaru stated.

Kiba waved it off, "Meh don't worry about all that… I'd rather know if you have aids Temari?"

"Can I kill him?" Temari asked the rest of the Leaf ninja politely.

Before anyone could make a sarcastic comment, Baki arrived and raised his hands up peacefully, "If we knew it was Orochimaru from the start, we wouldn't have fought with you guys, but even after we saw it was him, we didn't stop because we're not quitters."

"You guys are bad, I WANTED TO DIE!" Kakashi cries, and Sasuke rolled his eyes as Naruto patted the jonin on the back.

* * *

Orochimaru grit his teeth as he fought against Hiruzen's jutsu with every bit of resistance he had, "You old fool, you'll die too!"

Hiruzen panted heavily, he was eventually left with no choice but to use the Reaper Death seal and so he was trying to finish the job right now. The problem was, he didn't have enough left in him to completely displace Orochimaru, both re-animated Hokage and himself from this world. The castor of the jutsu was screwed, that's just the harsh reality of using the jutsu, and he couldn't leave a pair of Hokage roaming around with Orochimaru's orders cemented in their brains. If he couldn't seal everyone, then he had to let Orochimaru go, but he was determined not to let the Sannin escape without a scratch!

"It seems I won't be able to take you with us… But I can still seal your manhood away!" Hiruzen cackled triumphantly.

"You fool! I am in a woman's body at this time, remember!"

Hiruzen frowned, "Fuck, oh well it's not like you're Jiraiya that wouldn't have been good enough of a punishment for you anyway. I guess I'll just have to seal away your arms so that you won't be able to cast jutsu anymore!" Hiruzen declared, pausing to cough up blood.

"What!? NO! Cease this right now! You can't do this to me!" Orochimaru tried even harder to break himself free.

"It's pointless my dear student," Hiruzen taunted, "I won't let you terrorize this world anymore!" As he finished his sentence the Shinigami sliced through a portion of Orochimaru's soul, and the Snake Sannin's arms went limp and turned purple.

"NOOOOOO!" Orochimaru cried like a bitch, "Imbeciles! Drop the barrier and escort me out of the village!"

With a victorious smile, Hiruzen dropped dead.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

 _ **A/N:**_ **Yooo we're baackk wow 10 chapters already that was quick. It doesn't feel like it; anyway.. Short chapter today but we're covering a good bit of stuff in the aftermath of the invasion. Hopefully it won't take us TOO MANY chapters to reach shippuden but I'm not gonna speculate on it. We're not in a rush and we're just going to keep rolling and have fun. Hope you guys enjoy**

 **Side note bermudacedar please don't lick… lmao**

"For the last time, I don't want to be Hokage!" Jiraiya slammed his fist on the desk. They were in the late Hiruzen's office, a group consisting of him, Koharu, Homura, Danzo and a group of ANBU.

"If he doesn't want to be Hokage, then it should be me!" Danzo yelled.

"It has to be you Jiraiya!" Koharu barked back.

"Ahem," Danzo countered.

"There's _no one_ else," Homura pleaded with the Sannin.

"What about another Sannin?" Jiraiya suggested thoughtfully.

"Orochimaru eh?" Koharu stroked her chin, "Conquer our enemy by becoming one with them! Genius! See you'd be a great Hokage, just take the hat."

"Normally I would agree with Orochimaru becoming the Hokage but he killed our master, would you guys care if Tsunade became the Hokage instead of myself?"

"Who?" Koharu questions.

Jiraiya holds his forehead, "You know the other legendary Sannin not mentioned."

"Who?" the senile Koharu asks again.

Jiraiya gives in and says one of her nicknames known to the leaf village, "Big boob lady."

Koharu is finally reminded, "Ooooh the Great Hashirama's granddaughter."

One of the ANBU nearly spilled his coffee, "Drunken Triple D?" Jiraiya nods affirmative, "I'd be her bodyguard anyday…" *slurp*

Homura gave that particular ANBU a disapproving look for several reasons, "For the record," The ANBU defended himself, "I am actually on break… I just want to know who the next Hokage's gonna be."

"Then who let you in? Some security these ANBU are. This is why I should be Hokage!" Danzo attempted to twirl the conversation back to him, as if it ever had been in the first place.

"Danzo why are you here? Go do something useful like help rebuild the village or something the important people are talking," Jiraiya sternly tells him.

"You let HIM talk," Danzo pointed at the ANBU that was slurping on his coffee very audibly again.

"Yeah, important people."

* * *

Naruto finally finds his master,"Hey what's up Pervy Sage."

"Naruto we got to go man, we're going to find the next Hokage."

"Ermagod it's me isn't it!" Naruto excitedly jumps to moronic conclusions.

Jiraiya glares at him, "You're not even a chunin yet, chill."

"I beat the sand monster all by myself!"

Jiraiya deadpanned, "You summoned a group of giant toad warriors to defeat him for you. You and all your babyfaced friends may as well of sat there and licked a window."

"Yeah but I still had to summon him," Naruto pouts.

"I thought Kiba was the class idiot," Jiraiya facepalmed, "I guess I inadvertently took on the dumb one."

"Whatever, where are we going?" Naruto settled down.

"We're going to track down my old teammate."

"That horny snake freak? She was fucking weird."

"No, not her- I mean _him_. We're going after Tsunade."

"Who?" Naruto squinted.

Jiraiya sighed, "Drunken Triple D."

Naruto's eyes lit up, "No way… She's _real?_ "

* * *

Two shady individuals with black cloaks and red clouds managed to get past the gate, but they are interrupted by a squad of jonin.

"And where do you think you're going, you may have gotten past our guards by the gate, but you won't get past us now," Kakashi reveals his sharingan.

"Hmph, there will be three eyes of the Uchiha in this battle, too bad my set is superior. By the way there was no one guarding the gate, y'all should get that fixed," Itachi reveals himself with his mangekyo sharingan.

"Fucking Kotetsu and Izumo," Asuma growled, "I'm going to kick their asses when I get the chance," His blood boiled and Kurenai gave him a subtle rub on the shoulder to try and calm her 'friend' down.

Kakashi's eyes widen, "Oh shit it's Itachi! Quick everyone look at his partner! Don't let him cast his genjutsu by eye contact!" He warned his comrades.

They did, "What the fuck am I looking at?" Asuma asked aloud looking at the strange character.

The blue skin individual removes his headwear, "My mom fucked a shark."

"...What?"

"You heard him right, his mom had sexual relations with a shark… I should know this because that's what he says every time we meet somebody new. They need to know apparently," Itachi disappointingly explained.

In the meantime Kurenai tries to put Itachi in a genjutsu, but is stopped by Guy's hair shining on her eyes when he randomly arrived on the scene, "With the power of youth I have stopped an idiotic move to put Itachi in a genjutsu!" He sticks out a thumbs up.

Kakashi yells at Kurenai, "You fucking idiot, genjutsu doesn't work on him. LOOK AT HIS EYES, wait don't do that but they're sharingan you dumbass."

Kisame looks at Guy, "My mom fucked a shark."

"You already said that!" Kurenai berated.

"Yeah he did but he just met somebody else so you have to hear it again," Itachi explained.

"Thanks a lot Guy," Kakashi groaned.

"Your quite welcome my eternal rival!" Guy's teeth shined, prompting a sigh from Kakashi.

Kisame drew his sword, Samehada from his back and grinned, "None of this lot is important to our cause. I don't think leader will mind if I have a little fun."

"Your cause? And just what cause is that?" Kakashi demanded before turning his next comment to Itachi, "You have a lot of nerve coming back to this place… After what you did."

Itachi made no expression, "I have an important matter to attend to."

Giving up on Itachi, Kurenai instead locked Kisame in her genjutsu but Kisame merely smiled and made a single hand seal, "Release!"

 _Woah, he has an insane amount of chakra, and unlike someone such as… Naruto, this guy has full control of it._ Kurenai recognized.

Asuma attempted to cut down Kisame with his chakra blade but Samehada absorbed the wind chakra outright, "Ah ah ahh… Your not going to get anywhere doing that," The Akatsuki chuckled, "Samehada's worked up an appetite on the road."

Asuma disengaged, "His sword absorbs chakra, what is this?"

"It's one of the seven legendary swords from the Mist, remember?" Kakashi refreshed his memory.

"Ohhh… The Mist. Right, where all the fucked up shit happens."

"Such as beastiality..." Kurenai remarked.

"Hey! I take offense to that!" Kisame growled.

"Most unyouthful practices! We must show the world better! We must lead by example! YES I WILL GIVE ALL MY STUDENTS 'THE TALK' WHEN WE'RE THROUGH HERE."

"Guy, the teachers already did that before they were genin," Kakashi sighed.

"Something tells me they did too good of a job with Kiba," Kurenai groaned.

Out of nowhere, a lightning jutsu chirped to life as a figure emerged from the shadows and B-lined for Itachi, "I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU!"

"Sasuke! NO!" Kakashi panicked, there was no time to get in between the Uchiha brothers.

Itachi does not even look and grabs his arm, lifts him up face to face, "I'm a little busy right now," then throws him away a few city blocks.

Sasuke manages to get a sentence out before being launched out of earshot, "WHAT THE FUCK!"

Kisame runs after him, but is stopped by the jonin, " I NEED TO TELL HIM MY MOM FUCKED A SHARK!"

"I'd like to think he already knows!" Asuma snapped, "The whole village ought to know by now for God's sake!"

"It's not the same if they hear about it from someone else," Kisame frowns.

"You're upsetting my partner, I don't want him to cry to our leader about being bullied," Itachi frowns, "He's..." Itachi paused, his attention completely taken away by the new arrivals.

"Itachi Uchiha," The Toad sage stated with great distaste in his voice.

"Ow," Naruto held his ear, causing Jiraiya to look at him funny.

"Sorry… I just heard an extremely aggravating noise. Chill out Kurimina!"

" _Oh piss off Naruto, there are two Uchiha within a reasonably close distance of me. I will protest!"_

"Protesting never works," Naruto responded, which only made everyone on the outside just stare at him.

" _...That is one of the smartest things you have ever said."_ The Kyuubi _complemented?_ Naruto.

"That doesn't mean anything, I say smart things all of the time!"

" _And just like that…"_ Whatever Kurama was going to say he didn't bother, and settled for growling again.

"Naruto Uzumaki," Itachi stated emotionlessly, causing multiple of the jonin present to be pressed further on edge.

"What do you want with him!" Jiraiya stepped in front of his protege defensively.

"I think that's obvious," Itachi swiftly replied, "But don't worry my partner and I won't be needing to take anything from him today."

Naruto just stared at the strange cloaked duo, "Take from me? What's this guy talking about?"

"Perhaps I should use even simpler terms… One day I will come after you for your tailed beast."

Naruto thinking he helped them out replies with, "But I don't have a dog, you're looking for Kiba he has a ninja pup." Asuma facepalms.

"Wait!" Kisame interrupted, causing Itachi to sigh tiresomely, "Before we go on any further… My mom fucked a shark."

"I'm so SICK of hearing him say that!" Kurenai of all people screamed.

Itachi sighs again, "Every time…"

"Wait, are you looking for a dog because that weirdo needs a girlfriend?" Naruto asked.

Itachi's mangekyou narrow, "No… No we are not. Apparently they haven't told you so I suppose I'll let you in on the worst kept secret in Konoha. You have the nine-tailed Kyuubi sealed inside you from the day of your birth."

"The what-now?"

Asuma reached in his pocket for a cigarette, "I can't take much more of this Kurenai!"

"Looks like we're done here now," Itachi uses Amaterasu to block their path and they leave the village."

Kakashi glared at the flames, _Itachi you bastard you could've aimed that at me._

"Oh cool! Black fire." Naruto says right before getting tackled Guy, "I'm not letting your youthfulness get wasted to being burned alive."

"Maybe we should've actually filed custody papers over to Itachi," Asuma mused, "At least then the village won't get attacked over Naruto of all people."

"Asuma," Kurenai looked at him disappointed, "They would more likely take him when he's on a mission don't be foolish."

"Oh, good point."

" _I will NOT be enslaved by that Uchiha! Do you hear my Naruto!?"_ Kurama angrily lashed out in his mind.

Naruto rubbed his temple after being released by Guy, "None of this makes sense! I'm so lost!"

"Meh, that's nothing new," Kakashi commented, now casually reading his porn with the Akatsuki gone.

Jiraiya sighed, "My trip just became a lot more work-related."

"How so?"

"Well before… We were going to find the next Hokage, bring her back. In between I was going to take Naruto to like three strip clubs. Now I have to start training him, teach him about his little secret… AND do the original parts of what I already said."

Kiba randomly leaps down from a rooftop, "Dude can I come?"

"NO!" Kurenai forbids, a hand on her hip, "We're leaving for our own mission tomorrow."

"Damn it," Kiba sulked, "Naruto you suck. That's the best fucking mission ever."

* * *

Jiraiya opened the door to Naruto's room yawning, "Good morning brat, sleep well?" He giggled.

"Not. One. Wink," Naruto replied, his eyes bloodshot so bad he could pass for Sasuke if he died his hair black and glared at everything he saw.

"Oh? You should've had fun last night. You gay?"

"No! I'm twelve. At least that's what Sakura keeps saying everytime Kiba says stuff."

"A lame excuse," Jiraiya wagged his finger, "It's never too early to start appreciating a bunch of naked females throwing themselves at you."

" _How do you think I felt? I'm not even human."_

"Can we just stop talking about this?" Naruto asked, his face looking so red he might as well have sunburn.

"All right… Fine. Let's talk about the nine-tails then."

"What does he do besides say mean things to me?"

"Well he did try to destroy the Leaf village."

Naruto is disgusted, "Wait are you saying I am the nine-tails?"

Jiraiya raised a finger up, "Ask yourself this: Did you try to destroy the village?"

Naruto answered carefully, "No…"

"Well there you go, you're separate entities."

" _Moron."_

"How did I get stuck with this piece of shit then?" Naruto looks at his stomach.

Jiraiya reminisced, "Well one of my students, the Fourth Hokage, sealed him inside of you because you were the closest person to seal him with, however you think of it, the tailed-beast can be a great weapon of war or peace."

"What a dick move, I guess I have a new favorite Hokage now."

" _Hey Naruto, I killed mommy and daddy! HAHAHAHAHA"_

Naruto starts to cry, "He said he killed my parents."

"Well he isn't wrong… Let's go out for some training now."

They head outside, "I will now pass onto you a legendary jutsu! One created by the Fourth Hokage himself!"

"Fuck that, I don't want that douchebag's jutsu!" Naruto shook his head. Kurama busted up laughing but offered no explanation or sarcastic remark.

Jiraiya looked at him sternly, "Shut up, you're learning it. It's way better than Sasuke's and Kakashi's chidori."

"Oh, okay that's all you had to say," Naruto instantly caved.

* * *

"We're almost there to the co-op strip club/casino!" Jiraiya screams in excitement

The tired and overworked Naruto says,"The what now?"

"You know a casino that just happens to be filled with strippers all over."

"Why is this even important to do? I can't even do a ramengan and yet we are going clubbing? I'm not even old enough! You just have me do my sexy jutsu to get yourself in for free."

Jiraiya sighs, "It's rasengan you idiot, and of course I'll use you like that, you're supposed to learn everything I know."

"Well I can highlight the things you don't know! Women, why women stay away from you, and your 30 restraining orders."

"Those are all mostly from the Hidden Mist… those folks are weird."

"What do you have to say about this Tsunade lady's then?" Naruto deadpanned.

"Oh don't you worry about it," He waved it off, "I'm… Sure she's forgotten about that."

A piglet runs out of the place at full speed, since Naruto has not ate in a bit he takes after it, "Get back here you overgrown piece of bacon I'm starving!"

"Always rambunctious…" Jiraiya sighed and rubbed his temple, "That kid has the attention span of a puppy."

A dark haired woman suddenly storms out of the building, one that Jiraiya recognizes, "Excuse me sir! Did you see a pig- Wait, Jiraiya!?"

Jiraiya licks his lips, "Hello Shizune, long time no grope- I mean, long time no see."

Shizune blushes, "That… Did not need to be brought up. Anyway whatever you want can wait I have to find Tonton!"

"Don't worry, my apprentice is currently trying to eat her but I'm sure he'll capture her first… Who eats raw pig?"

"WHY DID YOU NAME YOUR PIG TENTEN!" Naruto says as he holds the pig in the air.

"My apprentice is kind of an idiot," Jiraiya followed up.

A young looking blonde hair lady gets thrown out of the casino, "And don't come back, your bad luck has made us lose customers! You damn money demon." The lady dusts herself off, "Well dat was a rough exit. Next time I'll jus grow your man boobs to my size and see how you like being treated like an object!"

"That's some way to treat the next Hokage…"

"Jiraiya?" She drunkenly turned to the sound of his voice, "Don't speak to me cryptically, I been drunking!"

"Yeah… I wasn't speaking cryptically, it was pretty straight forward. You smashed?"

"...Yeah," Tsunade doesn't bother to argue.

The sage rubbed his hands together thinking bad thoughts, "Can I smash?"

"Fuck no."

"Damn, was worth a try."

"Why me Hokage? I thought we had Minato your ooold student."

Jiraiya is visibly surprised, "Minato… Died about 12 years ago… And our old Sensei just got killed by Orochimaru… I am supposed to be next in line but you know how I am, I just can't stay in one place for that long."

"Well why can't it beee uhhh, well shiiit there aren't that many competent people to be Hokage… and I like to gamble… I think," Tsunade pats herself down looking for money, "You know what, I'm broke, is that illegal casino still open in the leaf village? Because if it is then I'm in."

"What illegal cas-" Jiraiya knocks Naruto on the head swiftly.

"Ohhh yeaahh that place is boomin girl," Jiraiya lies profusely and he starts writing a note without drawing attention that will be picked up by a bird courier. The contents of the note reads, 'RE-OPEN LAUNDROMAT WITH THE ILLEGAL BETTING.".


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

 **A/N: MrTicklesMMM, nah that wasn't really a reference to anything we just thought it would be hella funny if Kisame's first line was that lmao. Lots of characters involved today hope yall enjoy! Please hit us with a review if you like or hell if you don't like we really want more feedback! Thanks**

"What does the new Hokage want me for? It's her first day in office… Isn't there a long list of I don't know, important people she could be bothering?" Shikamaru drawled with his hands in pockets as he and Choji were enroute to the Hokage's office after being unexpectedly summoned when the two were about to go out for breakfast.

Choji shrugged at his longtime friend's complaining, "How am I supposed to know?" *crunch crunch* "I just really hope this doesn't take long, I'm hungry."

"I just hope it's not a mission! How could you be hungry? This is literally your fourth party sized bag." Shikamaru sighed.

Choji proceeded to dump the remains of that bag in his mouth and cast it aside, quickly swallowing the last of them as he reached inside his pocket and pulled out an aluminum can and a kunai which he used to open it, "Now I'm eating beans."

"WHY do you have beans?" Shikamaru asked, "Who just randomly carries BEANS?" The baffled Nara questioned.

"People who are _starvin_ ," He defended, and then began _slurping_ the beans out of the can grotesquely.

One of the ANBU ninja appear out of nowhere, "Hey look at this, this kid is eating _BEANS!"_

They enter the Hokage's office and see Naruto waiting for them. Tsunade spins her chair towards the door, "Take a seat, chunin."

Naruto perks up and tries to sit but is stopped by Tsunade, "I meant Shikamaru, God why do I have to have you in my sight 24/7, you are a blatant moron."

" _Kurama agrees."_ Naruto ignored both of them.

Shikamaru grasps the chair firmly, "Are you serious? More work for me, great just fucking great."

"Well you did very well in the chunin exam finals from the report I have, and also I had to promote one ninja and it wasn't going to be Naruto after what I witness him eat this morning."

"But it's good," Naruto whimpers, "Why does everyone hate on milk cheese!"

"I've had that, its meh to me. That reminds me," Choji whips out a block of cheddar.

"Look at that cheese!" Naruto pointed, "How did he even fit a big ass block of that in his pocket?"

"Secret Akimichi jutsu."

"Why do you have to have Naruto with you at all times?" Shikamaru spun the conversation away from food.

Tsunade groans, "The stupid so called 'Elders' said he's a danger to the public, but from what I've seen, he's more of a danger to himself. I can't wait until Jiraiya comes back to pick him up. Oh god did I just say something nice about Jiraiya sober?"

"Good morning everyone," A new voice comes from behind, turning out to be Kotetsu and Izumo.

"AND YOU GUYS, YOU GUYS ARE DEMOTED BACK TO GENIN!"

Both former chunin visibly deflate, "Ah fuck… Does that mean no more gate guard duty?"

"ESPECIALLY YES."

"So we have to do like… Actual missions? Ah mannn," Kotetsu grumbled.

Shikamaru sighed in despair, "This day keeps getting worse, first I get promoted… Now two of the people with seniority just went below me. I'm moving up way too fast! What a drag."

* * *

"Sassuukkkeee!" Sakura squealed in excitement upon finally finding her ' _love.'_

"WHAT?" Sasuke growled, not even looking at her. The training area he was at was littered with ninja tools and scorched earth from fireball jutsu practice. The trees were either timbered over or desecrated by weapons.

The Uchiha was outright furious, and he had been for a week now. His fucking brother straight up came into his village and tossed him aside like an unimportant, unthreatening weakling! And if that wasn't bad enough… Kakashi told him that Itachi came to get a closer look at _Naruto._ The fucking idiot!

"I...Brought you something to eat," She tried to sound sweet, when she was actually very nervous around him when he was this mad.

"Good. Now leave," He finally turns enough to cast her a glance, and she now sees that the curse mark is active, making her worry multiply.

"Sas-Sasuke… Your-"

"I CAN CONTROL IT!" He insists, and he forcefully and painfully recedes the marks back into the seal.

" _Oh no! HE SHOULDN'T BE FUCKING AROUND WITH THAT!"_ Inner got rowdy for what seemed like the first time in awhile.

"Leave me alone," Sasuke told her one last time. Sakura did her best to hide her tears and gave a reluctant nod and took off.

* * *

The next day Sakura goes to the Hokage's office to meet the new Hokage, inspired by the fact a woman has taken the helm for the first time.

Naruto is chilling in one of the other chairs, attempting to eat a banana without unpeeling it, "Ugh," He spits it out, "That's disgusting!"

"Naruto you've never had a banana before?" Shizune stared at him exasperated.

"Nahhh am I doing it wrong?"

Ignoring Naruto's idiocy, "A Lady Hokage, it is nice to see a woman in power. Are you looking for any students to take after you?"

"Hey, the squishy part's not bad!" Naruto exclaimed like he was reporting news to everyone.

Tsunade looks dumbfounded at Naruto's idiocy, "Yes! In fact your first mission will be to babysit him for the rest of the week."

"Aw crap," Sakura muttered.

"Yaaayyy it's date time with Sakura!"

"You are also allowed to beat him if he gets out of place or too annoying," Tsunade permitted. Sakura wastes no time rushing over to Naruto and smacking him in the face three times.

Kurama consoles Naruto, " _Jesus dude, you can't even fight back or it would look wrong."_

"Thank you so much, Lady Tsunade," Sakura bows respectfully. Then she grabs Naruto by the ear and forcefully removes him from the office, "Come on idiot!"

Once they were outside and had a more private setting, Sakura opened up a little, "Naruto… I'm worried about my Sasuke."

Naruto pulls out an orange, "What you mean? He just saw his brother I'm sure he's fine."

"But I think that's what's wrong!" Sakura explained, "Ever since he saw Itachi… He's been hostile!"

"The bastard is always hostile," Naruto takes a bite out of an unpeeled orange, "What the hell is wrong with people? This is disgusting."

Sakura pinched the bridge of her nose, "You don't eat the peele you dumbass. And I know he's not always nice but he's like unreachable right now. I brought him food and he was still cold as ice towards me," She sniffled, "And I caught him using that curse mark he got in the forest!"

"Hey, the inside of this shit is good."

Sakura groans, "Why am I talking to you?"

Naruto realizes something, "I don't get it, why am I not a chunin? I can summon toads."

"No one got promoted you idiot, the invasion ruined everything!"

"That's not true," Naruto informed her, "Shikamaru got promoted yesterday. He wasn't happy."

"Well maybe it's because it requires no skill to have toads do all of the work for you."

Naruto frowns, "I have skills."

"Pfft, Shadow clone jutsu is like the same thing except the copies aren't as good as the giant toads."

"I can make a wind ball now though watch," Naruto summons two shadow clones and makes a rasengan.

Sakura raises an eyebrow, somewhat impressed, "Woah… What is that jutsu?"

"RAMENGAN!"

Sakura facepalms, "You named your jutsu after your favorite food…"

"Hey, I don't see you flashing any cool jutsu you can't talk shit!"

Sakura stutters"I-I-I can do substitutions pretty well, that's cool isn't it?"

"BORING!" Jiraiya comes back from the hot spring. "Alright Naruto, say goodbye to your girlfriend because tonight we go clubbing again."

"Nuh-uh, not this time pervy sage, I'm hanging out with Sakura."

"He means I'm babysitting him, Hokage's orders." Sakura groans.

Jiraiya pelvic thrusts the air, "Fuck the Hokage, I mean it in both ways."

"Oh god your disgusting, Naruto you're not leaving with him unless he has actual training."

Jiraiya ponders, "Ah shit, well I guess I can ask Kakashi to come with this time… but he gets crazy real fast."

Sakura's eyes went downcast, "What is wrong with this village?" Sakura does a double take, "Wait what do you mean Kakashi?"

"Oh you know, he's my biggest fan of my love books, and he also has a giant hentai stash in his living quarters… you guys wouldn't know because only I'm allowed in." Jiraiya rubs his hand in excitement

"What's a hentai?" Naruto asks.

"You're not far enough in your training to know that."

"AND HE NEVER WILL BE!" Sakura screamed defiantly, "Naruto if you _ever_ hang out with these pervy morons and watch hentai together I WILL NEVER date you."

"Wait. So you want to date Naruto then?" Jiraiya called her out.

"What? No! I just don't want him to do that!"

"Then what's the incentive for me not doing it then?" Naruto fires back.

" _NO HENTAI!"_ Kurama voiced in.

Jiraiya points at Naruto's right hand."Dude you should release your rasengan now, you've had it out since I got here."

"Oh yeah I forgot."

* * *

At midnight Sasuke was lying asleep at the training area, having fell victim to exhaustion from his intense training but for some odd reason there was a knock, "WHO IS THERE, SHOW YOURSELF!" Sasuke says as he awoken.

"It's a Kegger delivery from Mr. Orochimaru himself," one of the strange figures said.

"You moronic buffoon, perfect way to give us away," another voice in the shadow replied.

"Why are you surprised?" A woman's voice snapped, "He drink half the damn barrel on the way over here. Fucking fatass."

The large one steps close to be a bit noticeable, "You guys said I could say that line when we found him."

"Yeah but at his fucking apartment to get him outside you dumb ape."

"Well look, he's outside."

"I hope you die tonight."

"Perhaps I can arrange that for you…" Sasuke tried to keep his cool, whoever these people were they had him outnumbered and he sensed something about their chakra that was… familiar.

"Also why did you even knock, we are OUTSIDE!" The bitchy woman yelled at the fat one some more.

"Why would I want a kegger? I'm 13."

"It's a special kind of kegger, the kind that makes you strong like us."

"Basically, if you agree to become Lord Orochimaru's slave, you have to bathe in it. Also, Jirobo here kinda fucked it up by drinking half of it so now you'll get half as strong as you otherwise could have. My name is Sakon by the way," The third person stepped forth.

"ONLY HALF AS STRONG!? Pfft like that would help," Sasuke throws three kunai at the figures location.

Sakon easily deflects each blade, "With your skills? I'd say one tenth of the keg's power would be enough to make a chunin out of you but whatever you say…" He laughed at the Uchiha, "You Leaf ninja think you're so tough."

A scowl formed on Sasuke's face, "Oh really?" He grunted, and activated his curse mark.

The three ninja from the Sound shared a glance with each other and bust up laughing, "WHAT?" Sasuke growled.

Each of his foes' curse marks flexed along their bodies as each of them smirked at him superiorly, "Your not Lord Orochimaru's only pet; so what's it gonna be? You have twenty-four hours to make a decision." And with that, the three of them shunshined out of there.

* * *

Naruto wakes up Sakura, "Can I go home? I've been trying to sleep on your messy ass floor all night long, there's even a rat I made friends with."

*squeak*

Sakura viciously steps on the rat, "I'm been hunting that bastard all year Naruto good job!"

" _CHA!"_

"NOOO! THAT WAS SPLINTER!" Naruto cries out.

"Why are you in my house though?" Sakura asked groggily.

"You fucking told me I have to sleep here tonight because Jiraiya would have just abducted me for clubbing. I would have rather went with him because I can smell your unwashed clothing what the fuck is wrong with you?" Naruto points at the russian mountain piles of clothing.

Sakura cries, "I've been depressed lately so I've been hella lazy."

Naruto reaches out for a hug, "It's okay I still like you." Sakura stops him by smacking him, "Nah, nah."

"Well no wonder you're depressed. People try and do something nice for you and you fucking hit them and tell them they aren't Sasuke," Naruto complained, rubbing his face.

From barely just downstairs her mom yells out, "Sakura! There's a weird man outside looking for your boy-toy!"

Sakura releases her face from all emotion and just stares blankly outside her window at Jiraiya holding scroll. Jiraiya apparently gave no fucks and busts through, "Hey Naruto you wouldn't believe what happened last night! So Kakashi and I started throwing down some dollars at the ladies and he noticed that one of them had a unusual bulge on their crotch. Of course out of curiosity we went out back with her handcuffed over an emergency because it was supposed to be women only dancers!"

Naruto and Sakura stared at him with mixed expressions but didn't say a word.

"We played rock, paper, and scissors to see who had to grope her and of course asshole Kakashi used his Sharingan and won two of three, I won the first one and he got mad, I fucking check that area out and pulled out a fucking magnum dildo and we thought it was hot shit, but no it turns out it is actually a bomb to blow up my favorite strip club. We released her to see if she was using a transformation Jutsu and we revealed what looked like Danzo Shimura!"

"Who?"

"After laughing hysterically, Kakashi's sharingan noticed that it was double layered… Meaning that the perpetrator was trying to frame Danzo, understandably. So we undid the second layer of transformation, which turned out to be someone I've never seen in my life! We did figure out that they were under someone else's control and take them to T&I."

"That's so odd, why would he suicide bomb? Like of all the places, why there?"

"Well I have some theories but I don't know for sure. It might have been an assassination attempt aimed at me honestly."

"Apparently Danzo was actually there too, we didn't see him though which is crazy." Kakashi finally makes himself noticed after being there the entire time, "Also Jiraiya, you left out the best part. We get to see naked ladies for free for a month!"

"I left that out because I won't be able to use it more than ten times, I got missions to do bro."

"Welp I gotta go now, don't want to waste anymore time of this free month," Kakashi says as he leaps out the window.

Jiraiya's eyes lit up, "For sure! Come on Naruto I'm sure they'll let you join us!"

Sakura instinctively gets between them, "NOO!" She snapped protectively, "Stop trying to make my teammates like you guys!" Something then seemed to occur to her for the first time, "WAIT. Has SASUKE ever joined you?"

"Nah that brat was offered by Kakashi once and he asked if he would get a jutsu in return for going. We laughed at him and he told us to eat his ass," Jiraiya rolled his eyes.

"You losers have a problem. And what is with the scroll?"

"Oh yeah, this is from Tsunade saying that Naruto doesn't need to be babysat anymore because they all agreed he's not a threat due to his incompetence or something like that," Jiraiya says while withholding what the scroll really said.

The scroll actually said 'We have found no reason for Naruto to remain under supervision of another shinobi, but we have also decided that he must not leave the village without having two or more people accompanying him and one must be rank chunin or higher. If he were to leave the village without permission, the pursuers have every right to hunt to kill.'

Kurama snorts " _Yeah right."_

"Shut up Nine-tails."

" _Oh, you finally ceased believing I'm your second voice?"_ He cackled mockingly. " _Watch out humans. It's learning."_

"You're such a fucking dick," Naruto yelled at from the outside looked like himself.

"Anyway, I'm out. See you around Naruto!" He chirps and drops the scroll on Sakura's bed.

Naruto springs upwards in excitement, "Yippeee I'm freeeeeee, Time to get some of my favorite ramen at Ichiraku. Coming with, Sakura?"

Sakura facepalms, "Yeah you're free okay then. You're 'free' but you still want me to be there so what is it for you to be excited about in the first place?"

"RAMEN!"

Sakura sighed, "Fine let's go… But you have to pay…" She suggested slyly.

"Fuuuuuck, I barely have enough for two. Okay I'm down, but it's a date!"

"Whatever." _Ha moron… Free meal!_

* * *

Sakura rolls over in bed for what seemed like the trillionth time. _I can't sleep._ She turns and looks at her alarm clock. _I've been laying here for three hours… I'm tired and I need to get up early in the morning. I can't shake the feeling that something… really bad is about to happen._

Looking out her window at the stars she frowns, and gets out of bed, deciding to trust her gut. She got dressed, gathered some of her ninja tools and a few logs for her patented substitution jutsu, and leaped out the window. She didn't know where she was going, she didn't know why she was going there. If Naruto did this she would call him a complete retard. She races through the dark streets of Konoha nearing midnight and stops at one point having to decide between left and right.

" _Go left,"_ Inner advised her.

"Shut up I'm going with my gut here not you!"

" _We have the same gut you moron."_

"Fine! I'll go left," She took off in that direction which was going to lead her near the edge of the village.

While walking near the village gates Sakura spots a familiar silhouette, "Is that Sasuke? Hey you are you Sasuke?"

The figure stops and turns around, "No duh I'm Sasuke, Why are you following me?"

"Why does it look like you are leaving?" Sakura questions.

"I'm going to get stronger than all of you chumps, especially that retard Naruto. I'm irritated he his stronger than me."

"You're already stronger than all of us!" Sakura cheerlead.

"Well of course I'm stronger than you, no doubt. But that damn Naruto can summon toads and can defeat tailed beasts, I can only see shit others can't with my sharingan but if a toad swings at me, I'm a goner. I'm going to learn how to summon snakes to kill his gay ass toads," Sasuke frustratingly spoke.

"B-But… I thought you hated Itachi and that all your aggression was about him!?"

"Itachi is my goal," Sasuke's eyes narrowed darkly, "Naruto is just an idiot that is bound to get in my way. I'll squash him when he tries to stop me from leaving the village," Sasuke foretold and turned his back to her once again to meet up with those Sound freaks he met the day before.

"W-wait! I'll come with you! I love you!" Sakura wept.

Sasuke moved so fast she barely saw him get behind her, "Eat my ass," He whispered and knocked his teammate out cold.

The Uchiha swept her body off the ground and sat her on the bench. _You were always a nuisance Sakura, but I'll admit I liked you… A little bit more than Naruto._ Looking at the Leaf village one last time he put his hands in his pockets and set off for his new path… It was time to take a bath.

Kotetsu spots Sasuke outside the gate, "Hah! That ain't my problem anymore," and he goes back to whatever this idiot does on his free time.

* * *

"Well, well… you've decided to come after all," Sakon stated the obvious and handed Kidomaru fifty ryo with a disgruntled expression.

Kidomaru chuckled, "Told you he'd come. There's no way a member of the Uchiha clan would resist Orochimaru's power!"

Sasuke glared at the only present Sound ninja he did not meet the last meeting, "Don't speak of the Uchiha clan, you have no right."

"Ahhh," Kidomaru perked up, "But neither do you! We're all Orochimaru's slaves now punk! And none of us have any rights!"

"Shut the fuck up Kidomaru! You're making us later by the minute!" Tayuya growled, "I'm not getting punished by that sick fuck because of your incessant babbling!"

"Tayuya you mustn't be so rude and foul mouthed, you're a woman," Jirobo lectured.

"Piss off fatass! You're only here because Kidomaru doesn't want to carry the fucking keg once we stick the new guy in it allll the way back to the hideout."

Sakon ignored the squabbling and lifted the lid off the kegger, "There's no turning back once you step in Uchiha," He warned Sasuke.

"I understand," He assured the man as he walked towards this new source of power.

"Wait," Tayuya stopped him, "You have to strip off all of your clothes… To take in all the mystical juices."

Jirobo was confused, "I don't remember having to-"

"Shut the fuck up fatass all this talking is a waste of time!" Tayuya asserted herself, "Now get on with it! Strip!" She demanded and licked her lips in Orochimaru-like fashion.

Sasuke sighed, "Very well," He complied, after all...What was the point of trying to get stronger if he didn't maximize the effect? Who cares if a few freaks saw his nude body he was getting powerful! Huh, maybe Sasuke can understand why so many hoes give up their body for money.

Once he was all natural, he slowly dipped himself into the barrel, "I don't feel anything happening," He said after a few seconds.

"It takes awhile," Sakon answered and slammed the lid in his face, "All right let's go."

Kidomaru just snickered, "Having fun Tayuya?"

"Fuck you!"

"Oh come on, you think no one's going to comment on what you just did? Being naked is not apart of the ritual. I would fucking remember that," The eight armed man laughed at her.

"Whatever let's just go!" She commanded, "What are you doing IDIOT! Pick up the kegger you moron I told you that's the ONLY reason why we even brought you!" Tayuya screamed at Jirobo.

"Honestly it's like walking the dog, he wants to sniff every blade of grass and look at every tree hoping he finds something to eat or relieve himself," Kidomaru snickered.

* * *

Naruto wakes up from someone knocking at his door, "Wake up, I got some ramen for you."

Naruto ecstatically opens the door to receive a packet of uncooked ramen to the face and only sees its Shikamaru, "Wow okay, I mean it's still good. Why are you here though?"

"Well your squadmate Sasuke ran off last night like an idiot and we found Sakura crying on the bench, she's too hesitant to move so I left her there."

Naruto grins, "HAH! That means I have her all for myself then. Oh wait, I wanted his third eye," Naruto paled.

Ignoring that completely, Shikamaru pulls Naruto out of the way and shuts his door, "The Hokage assigned the mission to recover Sasuke and after arguing for a bit about how idiotic it is to send an all genin team to potentially fight jonin level ninja, I forcibly agreed to be the team leader. Anyways I got Choji on board, also we sadly have Kotetsu and Izumo… After picking you up I was going to see if Kiba wanted to join too so we're going there now."

They walk for a minute and see Kiba getting kicked out of the hot springs, "It says unisex on the sign, that means I can stare at them no matter what, but okay."

Naruto calls out, "Kiba you're an idiot to think they let you stay, they don't even let Master Jiraiya in anymore."

Shikamaru exhales with disappointment, "Anyways we were looking for you, would you come with us to track Sasuke down?

"A mission with Naruto in it? Fuck yeah count me in!"

Everyone shares an odd look, Naruto excluded, "Um, why?"

"Haven't you guys heard? There's always bitches on Naruto's missions!" Kiba got pumped up.

Naruto blinked, "But… Haku turned out to be a dude. And that snake lady turned out to be an old man… And Tsunade is an old lady that looks young."

"Hey, don't forget about the strippers in between the start of your mission and Tsunade!" Kiba argued.

"I mean yeah… I guess."

The trio make their way to the exit gate and also find Neji, "Hey another tracker, Neji you want to come with us to-"

Neji interrupts, "Yep, I'm already packed. I saw him leave with my byakugan from my house when I was watching these two idiots," He gestured Kotetsu and Izumo behind him, "You'd be surprised on how stupid they really are in private, it beats cable."

"Dude, that's kinda weird…" Kiba muttered.

"Says the guy who sneaks in girls bath rooms and changing area… Can't a guy watch his reality TV in peace?" Neji asked the Inuzuka directly.

"What? I'm straight," He defended himself.

Neji states,"And you're banned from every bath house in this village besides one and that's because it's an all man one."

"Fuck that place."

"All this talking is making me hungry," Choji says as he pulls out his bag of chips.

"Oh hey dude, good timing," Kiba greeted, "The sooner we leave the sooner I get to chase after Sasuke and whatever bitches are where we're going!"

Shikamaru rolled his eyes, "Anyway… we're going now, we're an hour behind because I'm lazy."

"Stop! Don't go yet!,"Sakura cried out. "I know I won't be any use in this mission, so Naruto please bring him back."

Naruto's heart misses a beat, "Fuuuuuuck, all he talks about is eating ass."

Sakura starts to cry again, "That's the last thing he said to me!"

Kotetsu pulls Shikamaru aside, "All right man, I don't want to step on any toes here… But I strongly advise you let me and Izumo shoulder the leadership burden a bit. I know you're a chunin and I'm not doubting your abilities! I just think this mission is a bit heavy."

"Oh please, I read your files... I have more field experience than either of you," Shikamaru put him in his place, "It's a drag, but I'm the most qualified person in this squad to lead."

"Wow, that's kind of sad," Naruto of all people commented and the two former chunin hung their heads in shame.

"Indeed," Neji agreed.

Kiba alerts the team, "Hey I smell Sasuke, he's got that sulking bitch smell."

Shikamaru is surprised, "That can't be."

"It's not even that far, the idiot probably sleep walked outside."

"Nah he was awake," Kotetsu assured him.

"And I can't see him with my byakugan anymore."

"Yeah he should be right behind this buuuushh what the fuck," Kiba stops and stares at a pile of Sasuke clothing.

Sakura runs and gets the clothing and keeps it for herself and Shikamaru yelled out, "Wait no don't take that we might need it."

Sakura just ignores him and runs back home.

"I knew it, he's gay," Naruto insisted, "He always denied it!"

"To be fair, he might've stripped down to create a decoy in case we tried to track him this way. Or he finally got a girlfriend," Izumo suggested.

Naruto laughs, "Who would want to date Sasuke?"

"The girl who just ran off with his fucking clothing, dumbass," Neji couldn't hold it in him not to insult Naruto.

"I feel sad now, thanks."

"Don't worry, I think a got a good enough whiff of that to still track it come on, this way!" Kiba lead with Akamaru taking point.

Naruto comes into realization, "Wait why isn't Kakashi leading this mission?" He asked as they all started after Kiba.

"We couldn't find him, he's been MIA since yesterday. That's also the reason why we're late," Shikamaru groans.

"Oh, why didn't you just ask me? I know exactly where he is! And where he will be the rest of this month!" Naruto proclaimed.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

 **A/N: Apologies for the wait :)**

"Goddamnit Jirobo you fat lard can't you move any faster than this!" Tayuya bitched.

"That's mean," He whined, "I'm carrying this barrel what do you expect?"

"We don't fucking care. If we're late, Lord Orochimaru is gonna have us… punished," Sakon pointed out.

"Which is painful for everyone except Tayuya," Kidomaru muttered.

"I HEARD THAT ASSHOLE."

"Let's rest up for a few," Sakon decided, "There's no point in traveling if we can't move at a good enough pace."

Jirobo settles down, "Yeah let's have jonin catch up to us… but you know what I'm tired as fuck and I could eat, so why not."

Tayuya gets mad, "You're a useless vending machine cleanser!"

Kidomaru shoots her a look that says 'really,' and she shrugs, "I'm tired of repeating the same insults… So I'm trying some new ones."

The spider-like ninja sat on a rock and crossed his many pairs of arms, "Yeet that one and go back to the drawing board, that's terrible," He told her but she just huffed a curse and otherwise ignored him.

"We really should have stopped by the buffet before we left, I can't stand not having a big meal before a long trip."

Sakon leaned on one of his hands with a bored expression, "Be patient, if we succeed in bringing Lord Orochimaru his little prize… I'm sure he'll let you devour an entire fridge full of food."

* * *

Izumo deepens his voice, "Choji, I told you to stop eating."

"No, he needs to build his chakra up, you obviously don't know anything about the Akimichi clan so stuff it," Shikamaru cut in, "And stop trying to order people around it's a drag but that's my job."

"I'm starving though, you won't let me eat; You dick."

"Complain to the Hokage, try and get me demoted like you guys, I'd appreciate it," Shikamaru suggested.

Naruto laughed, "Wow I can't believe you guys. I guess not everyone is a natural born leader like me!"

"You're barely a natural born human," Kotetsu deadpanned.

"Being born with an annoying fuzzball sealed inside you has nothing to do with leadership!" Naruto retorted haughtily.

"And neither do grades," Choji added, "Shikamaru's were ass."

"Guys, good news! The scent we're tracking is getting closer!" Kiba announced.

"So we're traveling at a faster pace than them, I'm surprised," Neji commented.

"Nah they stopped to rest actually; I'm beginning to make out each member of their party's individual scent now. There's five people in total and for some reason Sasuke's is faint. Also, there IS a bitch. I fucking told you guys!"

Neji looks at Kiba scornfully, "What the fuck is wrong with you? You had to have been dropped from a building on your head."

"I'm trying to score, there's NOTHING wrong with me!" Kiba proclaimed.

"You're only going to score with a deaf, dumb, blind and infertile woman."

"At least it won't be someone from my own clan you nasty fucks," Kiba sneered back at the Hyuga.

"That's because there aren't any deaf, dumb, blind and infertile women in the Inuzuka clan," Neji smirked.

"Oh stuff it you cousin fucker."

"I'm not going to fuck any of my first cousins, only third or maybe second… we try to maintain a strong Hyuga bloodline."

"I saw you looking at Hinata that way when she was training."

"I look at everyone that way!" Neji deadpanned, not knowing what the hell Kiba was talking about.

"Now who's the pervert?"

"YOU ARE!" Everyone snapped.

"Wrecked," Naruto said right after.

"I hope this mission ends with Kiba dying and getting me demoted," Shikamaru sighed, "Like… Immediately after this, I want to take D-rank by myself and build a fence or some shit and not listen to any of you guys."

"I smell bacon being cooked," Choji perks up.

"How the hell did you smell that before me?" Kiba questions.

"It's bacon," He said simply, "I can taste it too! Applewood smoked cooked over some oak, unfortunately lightly salted and is that butter too? Oh god I need to get some of that."

Shikamaru facepalmed, "I guess I should've brought Ino along after all so she could keep you in line," He directed at Choji's food obsession, "Neji can you confirm if it's our target?"

Neji activates his byakugan, "Yeah it's them… and for some odd reason Sasuke is in a bucket. Yes a bucket."

Naruto rushes towards the direction yelling, "WHY DO YOU HAVE SASUKE IN A BUCKET!"

"God damn it, I wanted to do a surprise attack you idiot!" Shikamaru groaned, "Whatever, let's wing it like a pack of dodos."

Jirobo yells back, "FIRST OF ALL IT IS A KEGGER, AND NOW YOU CAN'T DRINK FROM IT, IT'S OCCUPIED RIGHT NOW."

Tayuya backhands him, "Oh yeah just tell them everything."

Kidomaru snorts, "Don't worry he left one detail out Tayuya you can be the one to tell them he's naked we all know you want to."

Choji bullets towards the food being cooked, "MINE, MINE, MINE!" He steals it and gets into cover."

Tayuya, Kidomaru and Sakon all stared at the Akimichi heir with their chins on the floor, "Did that really just happen?"

"Well… Jirobo gets to play first, damn it I wanted to go first," Kidomaru sulked.

"YOU BASTARD!" Jirobo roared.

"Oh hell yeah, a free Sumo wrestling match," Izumo cheered.

"Hey look, it's those two idiots that don't guard the gate when they're supposed to," Sakon pointed at the pair of ex-chunin.

"Hey buddy, what's your name," Kotetsu asks.

"It's Sakon."

"Well you can Sakon on these nuts!" Kotetsu returned, and high fived Izumo.

Shikamaru makes a defeating sigh, "I expect this level of dick jokes from Kiba… Why do you have to disappoint me further?"

The Earth itself shakes a little, "C'mon Choji you got this!" Naruto cheered.

Humiliated by the moron former gate guards, Sakon turned to hide his red face, "Jirobo, deal with these parasites! We will advance with the mission. Kidomaru grab the keg."

Tayuya responds by whipping a flute out and playing a tune; suddenly a giant snake slithered onto the scene seemingly from out of nowhere.

Kidomaru sighs, "Damn it… That's why Jirobo's here. He's supposed to carry it; I'm supposed to fight first. Fucking bullshit," He complains and grabs the kegger and follows after Tayuya and Sakon.

Everyone is trying to fight the snake but Naruto is distracted by the fat men fighting.

Shikamaru gets into cover, "Dammit, Kiba become a human sacrifice so I can plan some more."

"Piss off!" Kiba yelled as he and Akamaru retreated from the snake's venom.

Kotetsu leaped into the air, "Water style: Syrup trap!" He called out and blocked the snake's path with a sticky liquid. The giant snake merely hissed violently and moved right through it like nothing.

"Holy shit! Izumo! I don't like missions!" The ex-chunin fled.

Shikamaru tries to shadow possess it, "Shit it just went straight through like it wasn't even there; Wait..." The Nara's mind raced.

"Don't worry guys, I just realized I can take care of this!" Naruto jumps in, "I can summon toads."

"Actually Naruto I don't think that's nec-" Shikamaru began but Naruto wasn't listening and summoned Gamabunta.

All everyone hears is an angry screech followed by, "GOD FUCKING DAMMIT! YOU SUMMONED ME WITHOUT ANY BIG THREATS? ALL I SEE IS TWO FAT FUCKS DUKING IT OUT AND YOU GUYS ARE ALL RUNNING AROUND LIKE HEADLESS CHICKENS LIKE THEY'RE GOING TO CAUSE AN EARTHQUAKE AND CRACK THE CRUST!"

"What?" Naruto was puzzled, "You don't see that huge snake!?"

"It literally almost just ate me!" Kiba complained.

"Y'all just got trolled or some shit, there's not fucking snake. Fuck you Naruto I was having a poker game with the other toads and I had good cards you prick," Gamabunta dissipates.

Shikamaru sighed, "Yeah… We're in a genjutsu. Fuck," He dispelled it, as did everyone else except Naruto.

"Guys HELP! I don't know how to dispel the genjutsu!"

"Oh for the love of God… Neji knock him out," Shikamaru ordered.

"Gladly."

* * *

"Ughh…" Naruto woke up, "What the..?" The confused Uzumaki muttered, he was slung over someone's shoulder being carried.

"Stop for a second guys, he's awake now," Izumo called out and everyone drew to a halt so he could drop Naruto on the ground.

"Ow," Naruto bitched and stood up, "What happened?"

"You didn't know how to dispel the genjutsu so Neji knocked you out. We left Choji to fight the other fatass because no matter what we tried to say to them neither would acknowledge it. They're like… In a trance or something fighting over food," Kiba explained.

"And because our mission is to retrieve Sasuke, the rest of us are in pursuit," Shikamaru wrapped up, "Hopefully Choji will catch up later on."

"We need to get going, we're gaining on them again," Neji urged.

"Right," Shikamaru drawled, "Let's go," And the whole team took off.

Neji immediately says, "Wait one of them is splitting off, it's the anemic looking one."

"The what now?" Naruto asks.

"He looks sicker than that Orochimaru guy."

"Oooh," Naruto acts like he learned something but in reality he didn't even listen.

"Easy, I'll go with these two idiots," Kiba points at Izumo and Kotetsu.

Shikamaru for once is surprised in a good way, "Wow, well you have numbers on your side so it shouldn't be bad for you at all."

Kiba is already a good distance away and Shikamaru yells, "What made you volunteer so fast?!"

"It's her! The girl," Kiba excitingly yells back.

Neji whispers, "It's not the girl," Neji speaks normally, "What I don't understand is why Kiba thinks the girl is anemic..."

Kotetsu speaks out his concern, "Kiba do you know what anemic means?"

Kiba replies like a smart ass, "Yeah of course, it's the medical term for their periods."

Kotetsu and Izumo both look at eachother with a 'we better not tell him' look before the three of them took off after Sakon.

Once Kiba was out of earshot, "Moron," Neji muttered, "That female and the six armed guy have continued on with their mission. I suppose they somehow caught onto the fact we're on their trail and left the other guy behind to stall us."

"We better be careful; I've been thinking about earlier… I'm pretty sure that genjutsu snake was created by that girl and her flute," Shikamaru warned.

* * *

"Tayuya, you sure you don't want to take a turn carrying this thing? Seeing as your toy is inside and all…" Kidomaru taunted the kunoichi.

"Fuck you, I don't give a rat's ass about that Uchiha."

"That's not what your reproductive organs seem to be thinking."

"What would you know? Yours is dysfunctional," Tayuya scoffed.

"Having four does not make me dysfunctional. If anything it makes me more useful, what do you have to say for yourself?"

Tayuya looked at him in disgust, "TMI fucktard! Also that's three more that aren't ever going to be used.

"Hoes mad I got four-"

"Stop talking!" Naruto yells as he lunges from out of nowhere at Kidomaru with a kunai only to be halted by three of Kidomaru's arms who merely snickered.

"Nice try kid," He laughed, "Game over!" He declared and backhanded him into a nearby rock… Only for Naruto to disperse into a cloud of smoke.

"What the shit, a brat that knows shadow clones!" Kidomaru got excited, "This is going to be so fun!" He riled himself up and chucked the kegger to Tayuya, "Go on bitch I got this!"

"Pfft, six arms? I can handle this by myself, you guys go chase after her," Neji confidently steps up.

"Come on!" Naruto shouted, "She's getting away!"

"Shut up Naruto I'm right behind you," Shikamaru grunted, "You know… We _could_ have ambushed them back there but nope I have you on my team."

" _That's your own fault, you little welp."_ Kurama berated.

Naruto ignoring what everyone just said, "You know I just noticed that guy had six arms, freaky."

" _Yes, because it's normal to have another entity sealed within you."_

"I wish I had six arms, imagine how much faster I could eat my ramen and oooohh I could form like three ramengans!" Naruto got hyped.

" _If only you had one brain to go with your hypothetical arms,"_ Kurama continued to pester.

All Shikamaru could muster was a sigh of pain.

Meanwhile Kidomaru caught Neji by surprise by infusing chakra in his mouth and spit a web-like material at the Hyuga prodigy pinning him to a tree and instantly hardening up, "All too easy," The sound ninja looked down on his opponent.

Neji activated his byakugan and analyzed the strange jutsu, "Hn nice eyes, maybe I'll take them as a little souvenir!"

 _As if the main house would allow that_ Neji thought scornfully but kept focused on the task at hand. _I see…_ He thought as he realized that he could probably cut right through the contraption with gentle fist.

"At any rate, I need to go after your little friends," Kidomaru prattled, drawing a razor sharp arrow from somewhere, "I must be on my way… To the next level," Thrusting the arrow at Neji.

Unexpectedly, his web imploded and he narrowly missed his mark on his keen eyed target, "What!?"

"It seems like no one ever taught you about the byakugan, pathetic,"

Kidomaru's grin grew wide as he tapped into the power of his curse mark, keeping it at level one for now, "Ooohh I do like it when they struggle."

Neji frowned, "I'm not a woman."

"..." Kidomaru just stared at him.

"I just wanted to make sure we're on the same page here," Neji clarified.

"Okay…." Kidomaru sweatdropped.

* * *

"Watch out that grey hair cunt has a second head," Kotetsu points out.

Kiba stops his movement, "Don't you mean red hair?"

"You should have realized it by now..." Izumo glares at Kiba.

Kiba starts to head out, "Wow, she really snuck a genjutsu on me like that. Welp I got to go guys, my true calling is with her."

Kotetsu yells at Kiba, "Well you really didn't do much but drool over him, but okay!"

"It's still two versus one," Izumo smiled, "We got this."

Sakon laughed quietly, "Well that's not really accurate…" He revealed, "Wake up brother!"

Ukon's head snaps to the side, startled, "Oh what huh? Oh…" the confused second head took in the area and situation.

"What the fuck?" Kotetsu stared in disbelief.

Izumo body shakes, "Bro this is worse than guard duty, I thought his second head was fake."

"Nah I just really like sleeping," Ukon yawned.

* * *

Tayuya grows tired, "Fucking shit, he should be done marinating in there by now! Aren't Uchiha supposed to possess strong chakra naturally what's taking so long?"

Always one to vent her frustration, Tayuya barely even registered the attempt on her life as two waves of kunai nearly caught her face. She parried the first wave with her flute but the second were a little further off their mark as they inserted themselves into the tree bark with explosive tags, "Motherfucker!" She complained and leapt away from it, using the kegger to shield herself from the explosion as much as possible.

"Sasuke!" Naruto shouted, worried until it became clear that the kegger was rather well insulated.

"You're mine!" Shikamaru declared, seemingly like he was going to capture her shadow upon landing.

Thinking fast, Tayuya threw the keg down and landed on top of it, buying her an extra second to leap back into the air and avoid the Nara's clan jutsu, "I don't think so you bastard!"

"Damn it," Shikamaru grunted, that was the only time he was going to get Naruto to follow an actual plan and it didn't even work. _Then again, she had to surrender the container that has Sasuke in it; she won't be running away again._ With that in mind, Shikamaru put himself in between her and Sasuke.

Naruto wide-eyed, "Uhh, Shikamaru look at that box, it is hatching."

Inside Naruto's head, Kurama groaned loudly.

"This shit was a fucking scam!" Sasuke breaks free from his enclosure.

"We thought they have given you another set of clothes when we found yours… I have been severely mistaken," Shikamaru deadpanned, horrified.

"Ah fuck I forgot!" Sasuke blushed and covered himself.

"Why Sasuke!? Why the fuck did you strip for them!" Naruto demanded, looking away.

"I was promised power!" Sasuke barked. "I don't know why I'm still here.." Sasuke books it.

"Sasuke wrong way retard, the village is that way," Naruto takes after him.

"Summoning jutsu!" Tayuya slammed her palm on the ground. In a massive cloud of smoke, three huge ogres appeared, each wrapped in bandages with their faces covered up and each possessing their own devastating weapon.

"No one whose heard my melody of death has ever lived to tell about it!" Tayuya informed them with a sinister smirk, pulling her flute out.

Shikamaru sighed, _Great… Looks like I've got to do this on my own. What a drag._ He complained to himself and drew a kunai as Tayuya played a verse.

Sasuke yells at Naruto who won't let him escape, "I'm not going back! Who the fuck has my clothing though. I NEED THEM!"

"Sakura took them."

Sasuke stares Naruto down with his sharingan, "Where is she!"

"At the village."

"Useless as always I bet."

A loud crashing noise stole both of their attention as several trees timbered from the assault of Tayuya's doki squad, "Shikamaru!" Naruto panicked, "Damn it Sasuke you idiot look at what you've dragged us all into!" He glared at the Uchiha, "Choji is fighting someone over bacon. Neji is fighting some six armed freak all by himself, Kiba and those two guys are fighting another dude and Shikamaru's getting ganged on by three giant ogres. If that's not enough, you're fucking naked! Shikamaru and I didn't want to see that!"

" _Hey don't forget about me also."_ Kurama added.

"Even the fuzzball is complaining."

"That's enough Naruto, I'm not going back to the village! Period!"

Naruto clenched his fist tightly, "If you won't… I'll _make you_."

"Not that I don't want to fight you… But I refuse to as long as I'm nude."

"...We can actually agree on that," Naruto said.

With Tayuya, she moved one of the ogres to block each incoming kunai until Shikamaru was down to his last one, "It's pointless you little rat!" _So he's over there…_ "It's been fun playing your little game, but this is a checkmate!" She declared, sending all three doki right after Shikamaru.

Wasting no time, Shika threw his final kunai up high, triggering a flash bomb he set up earlier in the engagement, lighting the whole area up for his shadow as she kindly brought all three of his targets straight to him, "Shadow possession jutsu, achieved."

"No way! How!" Tayuya raged.

"The first attack is always a fake out," Shikamaru explained, "It's always the second attack that you should hope to end on."

"Piss off you twerp I don't need your lecture!"

"I couldn't possibly figure out their movements through the music, but I could memorize your finger movements."

"Bullshit!"

"Is it?" Shikamaru smirked, doing a mocking gesture with his hands making it look like he was playing her tune on an imaginary flute, "Analyze and memorize."

Tayuya scowled, "You aren't going to get away with this…"

"I'm gonna bring you down with your own freaks!" Shikamaru yelled as he charged at her with her own pawns.

"Dispel!" Tayuya yelled and reverse summoned away all of her doki, causing Shikamaru to facepalm.

"I don't think so you fucktard!" She hissed at him.

Shikamaru hears two people coming from different directions, one is closer than the other, _That better be backup._

The first one to actually arrive came from the direction of the village, "Have no fear the horn dog is here!"

"Oh my God… I don't even know how to feel about this," Shikamaru complained, "Where the hell are those two useless guys?"

"Kotetsu and Izumo are fighting my battle. You know, because it wasn't my battle," He insisted and licked his lips as he stared at Tayuya who was cringing.

Kiba perks up and takes a large whiff of the air, "I smell a delicious smell. Mmmh BONES!"

Shikamaru is genuinely worried, "Uh Kiba? Are you okay? Tayuya is right here."

"Fuck that hoe, I'm getting me some bones" Akamaru barked in agreement, "Hell yeah boy."

"Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!" Naruto flees with Sasuke behind him as the two appeared to be outrunning a bunch of… razor sharp bones spiking out of the ground?

"I don't think anything else can surprise me today," Shikamaru groaned.

Kiba got even more excited, "I was right… BONES!" He smiled.

Tayuya smiled brightly, "Kimimaro you asshole what took you so long?"

"I wasn't even supposed to come," He stated with little emotion, "Seems it was a good decision on Lord Orochimaru's part to have me rendezvous with the rest of you."

"I'm on your side you ass!" Sasuke yelled at the newcomer.

"How was I supposed to tell? You were standing around with the enemy, naked," Kimimaro stared at him oddly.

"Can everyone stop pointing that out for one Goddamn second!" A vein throbbed on Sasuke's forehead.

"Dude what the fuck," Kiba scowled, "Here get dressed you weirdo!" Kiba reached in his bag and grabs a set of clothes which he chucks at Sasuke.

Surprised, Sasuke catches them but before he can say thanks he realized they looked familiar, "WHY the fuck do you have a set of Sakura's clothes?"

"I have a set of all the girl's our age's clothes, duh."

"'Bruh moment' right there," Naruto says.

" _I hope he dies already,"_ Inputs Kurama.

 _Oh great… Now I have to tell Ino about this when we get back to the village. What a fun conversation that's going to be._ Shikamaru rubbed his forehead.

"Well what are you waiting for? Put them on you jackass."

Sasuke sighs, "Not one word of this… Ever," He warned them in a dark voice and began getting dressed.

"Why was Sasuke naked in the first place?" Kimimaro asked.

Tayuya gets red faced, "Well you know, we didn't want to get his clothing wet."

"Wet? That's the least of his worries, we all now know and seen his penis. That's definitely something I did not expect to see today. Bitch."

"Why the fuck didn't you pick up my clothes!?" Sasuke yelled at her, he was now fully dressed and looked fucking ridiculous. Sakura's clothes were way too small on him, and this was the first time he ever wore something that was open on the bottom which was painfully awkward and impossible to ignore as a male. _How the hell do girls fight in this?_

"We were in a rush and your clothes had your scent…" Tayuya uttered lamely.

Kimimaro face palms, "The kegger wouldn't have even left a scent dumbass."

Tayuya's blush grew worse, "I-I know."

"Well I'm sure you're going to die if you show up to Orochimaru's place"

"Oh well, I don't really like being a slave anyway," She shrugged.

Kiba loses it and rushes towards Kimimaro, "GIVE ME YOUR BONES!"

Kimimaro fears for his life from this maniac, "This day keeps getting worse. Sasuke just keep going that way and you'll get to one of our hideouts. It's past that bridge with the two statues of weirdos, one of them has some crazy long hair. "

 _Orochimaru is going to kill me on sight when he see's that his 'prize' Uchiha is cross dressing,_ Sasuke inwardly cursed. This was officially the worst day of his life. He never imagined that was possible, considering what Itachi put him through all those years ago. He said nothing in response to Kimimaro and merely nodded, and started to head off.

"Sasuke! Stop this! We're your friends!" Naruto tried to get through to him even though it was very difficult for him to even admit that, "Also… You need to give Sakura her clothes back!"

"Shut up!" Sasuke snapped and took off in a full sprint.

Naruto watched in despair as his teammate's form grew smaller and smaller, with two opponents in the way...


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

Only a moment had passed by since Sasuke departed, leaving Tayuya and Kimimaro behind to wrap business up with his former comrades. Tayuya was slightly put on edge seeing Kimimaro's behavior. The usually extremely confident leader of the Sound Five was scared… Of that little twerp and the tiny puppy? _What is going on here?_ Tayuya thought to herself as the smirking Kiba stared at Kimimaro like it was the best thing that had ever happened to him.

"If I'd have known there would be an Inuzuka clan member here, I would have not even bothered to come. They ate my clan to extinction with only the exception of me," A frightened Kimimaro admitted.

"Scurr-scurred," Naruto mocked, provoking yet another groan from the Kyuubi.

"Shut up Naruto," Shikamaru sighed, "Kiba are you sure about this?"

"Are you kidding me? Dude he's a Kaguya!" Kiba licked his lips, "This is a once in a lifetime opportunity Shikamaru."

"Quite literally," Even Kimimaro agreed, "I am one of a kind."

"Not for long though… You can count on that!" Kiba taunted.

 _Amazing, he's serious about something other than women for once in his life._ Shikamaru could hardly believe it. _That leaves me and Naruto to fight the Tayuya chick then. Troublesome._

Naruto interrupts Shikamaru's train of thought, "Damn, Sasuke forgot the headband."

"What?" A bewildered Shikamaru raised an eyebrow.

"He forgot it; I need to give it to him."

 _Fuck, he is our primary objective,_ "Okay Naruto, don't forget we are supposed to bring him back."

"Oh right, I almost forgot," Naruto admitted, "That's good though cause it kinda made me mad seeing him run off without fighting me and wearing Sakura's clothes."

Kimimaro says to Tayuya, "At this point Orochimaru will be disappointed no matter the outcome of this mission. I'm gonna get eaten alive. He should have used my body when he had the chance."

"Damnn, that Orochimaru sure does get around," Naruto spoke up again, "Did you guys get that STD tattoo thing like Sasuke too?"

Everyone stares at Naruto, from both sides, "Yeah okay, he dies first," Tayuya grunts.

"Shadow possession jutsu. Go Naruto, quit sticking around you impotent dumbass"

"Motherfucker!" Tayuya gasped, she had been careless!

 _So there IS a use for Naruto's comments, that was the distraction I needed._ Shikamaru smiled. Naruto didn't need to be told twice; he spawned a group of shadow clones and sprinted out of there as fast as he could. Kimimaro made an effort to help out but he didn't know which one was the real Naruto and only managed to kill three clones with his Finger Bullet jutsu.

 _Damn!_ He cursed but he had to turn his attention to defending himself from an ecstatic Inuzuka, "BONES!" He shouted gleefully and before Kimimaro knew it Kiba had straight up ripped his left arm off.

An over zealous Kiba shouts, "ACTIVATE BONE ENLARGEMENT!"

"That's not how it works…" Kimimaro grunted, quickly replenishing himself with his kekkei genkai.

Kiba drops the arm on the ground and pants, "YESS make me MORE!"

"What the fuck are you doing! Do your stupid Camellia dance!" Tayuya shouted at him.

"I...I don't want to further excite him," Kimimaro shivered.

"Damn it… Everyone is useless!" Tayuya grumbled, "In the end I have to do everything," She complained and drew on the power of her curse mark. _I can't believe I have to use level two for these idiots!_

Shikamaru begins to struggle to hold Tayuya down with his Shadow Possession. _What in the world is she?_ He wondered as her appearance made a significant change with her skin tone becoming darker and horns sticking out of her head, but most of all… She now possessed freaky eyes.

Realizing this wasn't enough, he made three hand seals and switched to Shadow Strangle jutsu, which had a better chance of keeping her in place, but it wouldn't last long enough, "Kiba!" Shikamaru yells out. No reply.

"Kiba damn it I need help!" He continued to struggle. No reply. _Fuck this._ Shika cast another shadow jutsu at his friend.

"What the fuck I can't move!?"

"Hey dumbass, help me out with her first and I'll get you a date with Ino," he promised while trying to keep Tayuya captured.

Kiba is drooling, "Can't you see I'm busy with Man of Bones?"

"Just stick Akamaru on him, there's no way he's not also afraid of dogs too."

Kiba rolled his eyes, "Fine. All right boy, go get him!" Akamaru barked in reply and shot at Kimimaro like a heat seeking missile and the latter cried in agony.

"Damn it...:" Shika grunted, he was losing control of her. Tayuya was forcing her flute up near her mouth through the struggling shadows grinning superiorly. "I can't h-" Shikamaru didn't need to finish his thought as a bone flew right past him and struck right in Tayuya's heart killing her instantly and reverting her body back to its normal form. Shikamaru was left hyperventilating and rubbed sweat off his brow.

"Looks like I did get to _bone her_ after all…" Kiba remarked, and for once no one complained or sighed. Shikamaru was just happy she was out of the picture.

"Man… I still kind of wanted some of that though, oh well. Back to my lunch!" Kiba proclaimed, armed with another of Kimimaro's razor sharp bones, and took off after Kimimaro again.

* * *

Choji grabs the bacon off the plate, "Bacon so good, you'll kill a man for it. Mhmm, my only regret is that I didn't eat it earlier."

Choji realizes that he ate soldier pills instead of malted chocolate balls during the battle, "Damn I'm tired, I guess it's nap time"

* * *

 _Looks like this is probably it for me…_ Neji thought weakly. He laid on the ground with a whole in his chest from his valiant battle against the Sound ninja Kidomaru… He had won, though it probably cost him his life. "Thank God Kiba isn't here to make a joke about this hole," Neji coughed up blood. _Who would have ever thought it would turn out this way? Throwing my life away because of a disloyal fool betraying us ultimately just so Orochimaru can obtain the sharingan and be a man again._

"I leave the rest to you… Shikamaru, Naruto," Neji quietly croaked, not particularly believing in the rest of them.

Before passing out, he caught sight of eight crows flying by. _But I only saw seven… Again…._ "God damn it," He grumbled and lost consciousness.

* * *

"I'm never watching a scary movie ever again," Izumo groaned, leaning against a tree, completely exhausted.

"I'll say," Kotetsu agreed, "That was freaky shit."

"Hey do you think he uses his other head for… nevermind."

"I can still hear you and NO! You Leaf bastard!" Ukon seethed from within the syrup trap next to his deceased brother.

"Aw come on… I thought we killed you," Kotetsu complained.

"This is why we're genin again, we're just so good at half assing it," Izumo explained, "So which one of us is gonna walk over there and finish the job?"

Kotetsu sighs, "I don't know… Let's decide the usual way."

"Cease this casual chatter this instant!" Ukon demanded, "I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!"

"Ay! Shut up," Izumo yelled at the trapped Ukon, "All right Kotetsu let's do this."

"Rock. Paper. Scissors!" Ukon just stared at them with a blank face, unbelieving.

"Damn it…" Kotetsu stood up lazily, "I didn't want to get up," He pulls out a kunai and walks over to Ukon who began trying to force his way out of the jutsu with all his willpower.

Kotetsu chuckled quietly, "It's no use," He told him, "Hey, you said you like sleeping… Well how about you take an eternal slumber?"

* * *

Shikamaru was absolutely _done_ with this mission, "Are you uhh… Almost finished, Kiba?" Shikamaru rubbed the back of his head awkwardly.

Kimimaro's chakra was running low and his regeneration was seeming to stall. At this point he was more like an agonized blob of flesh laying on the grass attempting to create a new bone structure. Kiba smiled cheerfully, "Yeah I'm pretty sure he's almost out of chakra I just got harvest whatever bones he has left to grow!"

"Isn't THAT enough?" Shikamaru balked and pointed at the massive pile of bones behind Kiba. Akamaru was wagging his tail and gnawing away on Kimimaro's _third_ spine by Shikamaru's mental count.

"This is the LAST of his kind. I'm getting every last bone his body can produce!" Kiba reasoned.

"Riiight… Can you focus on our objective. We're after Sasuke, remember? And our teammates might be in danger."

Kiba let out a slight growl of disapproval, "I can't risk the slight possibility this Kaguya eventually regenerates entirely and escapes!"

"Wait," Shikamaru interjected, not understanding at all, "Wouldn't that theoretically be a good thing for him to escape if all you want is to farm bones off of him?"

Kiba shook his head, "No; the Inuzuka and Kaguya clans show no mercy to one another. They don't like us because we like dogs…" He revealed in a condescending tone, "We return their feelings by turning their kekkei genkai into a feast!"

"Look, I didn't ask for a history lesson; this is such a drag.'

* * *

Sasuke looks back, "Damn it Naruto. Why are you still following me like a child follows it's mom?"

" _Because he doesn't have a mom."_ Kurama cackles.

Naruto ignores the pain in his heart,"I promised Sakura that I would bring you back to the village and I never go back on my word."

"And I am promised to become stronger than Itachi if I train under Orochimaru"

"You already dressed to train with him too"

"I'm done talking to you," Sasuke brushed past the orange clad fool, who followed him without hesitation.

"But I'm _not_ done talking!" Naruto complained, "Ay, Sasuke? Sasukkeee…"

Kurama snorts, " _He's ignoring you. Can't you see that?"_

"Quiet Fuzzball no he's not!" Naruto was in denial, "I spy with my eye a tree," Sasuke has no intention of replying to what idiotic things that come out of his mouth. "I won, damn Sasuke you suck at this." Sasuke continued to ignore him, "You guys can have a trade! She gets her clothes back… You get your clothes back…" Naruto continued to ramble.

Sasuke makes a dead stop right before the Final Valley, "I'll do it. I'm not doing this for her, I'm doing this so Orochimaru won't get any weird ideas…"

" _Hahaha, Naruto you're going to get two losses today,_ " Kurama snickers.

"Two losses for me is two losses for you!" Naruto retorts at his 'tenant.'

"What the fuck are you even talking about?" Sasuke rolled his eyes and activated his sharingan.

"Wow that outfit matches your eyes really nice. Sakura should get sharingan!"

Sasuke's glare intensifies. _I'm going to kill him._

"Let's just trade our outfits dude, then we can fight if you really feel like it." Naruto and Sasuke switched their outfits and Naruto does a transformation jutsu, "Hah! I outsmarted you. I can't believe you didn't do this already."

Sasuke facepalms, "I'm still going to kick your ass."

"Come do it then!" Naruto challenged, "Shadow clone jutsu!" At least fifteen Naruto's appeared out of thin air.

"Easy," Sasuke shurikens all of them besides the real Naruto.

"Oh come on… I didn't realize I was fighting _Tenten_ ," Naruto complained.

"I'm way better than her dammit!"

"Well two can play at the Tenten game…" Naruto declares, reaching for his back and pulling out Iruka-shuriken, "Mine's bigger."

"Tch, I'm not scared of Iruka."

Iruka wimpers, "I'm scared of Sasuke."

Naruto mutes him, "Hush Iruka, I left you unmuted by accident."

" _I wish I could say that about you._ " Kurama grumbled.

Sasuke uses his fireball jutsu and Naruto escaped it by making a ladder of Naruto's, "Are you trying to kill me? That was hot!"

"Trying is just an understatement, I am going to kill you!"

Naruto sets him and a few clones up to rasengan, "You won't be able to dodge my triple Ramengans!"

Sasuke hyper focuses his sharingan and defeats all the clones and sends Naruto flying, "You're so predictable."

"Am I really though?" the Naruto that was in the air dissipates and the real Naruto is behind him and kicks Sasuke forward.

"FUCK!" Sasuke braced his landing and dashes towards him. Naruto is dumbfounded over Sasuke's speed and did not react fast enough to counter it, unlucky for Sasuke it was another clone and the real Naruto landed in front of him.

Naruto throws a flurry of punches and kicks but Sasuke catches or deflects them all, "Is this the best you can manage?" Sasuke mocked, his sharingan reading into his every movement, "You were always such a fool. It's no wonder…" Sasuke caught Naruto's leg midswing, "That you _assume_ we're equal!" He snarled and threw Naruto into the ground viciously.

The Naruto that crashed into the ground poofed into smoke.

 _Shit I let my guard down I should've noticed that he was a clone! Where did he-_ Sasuke heard something rushing behind him and whirled around just in time to see a flash of blue light, "RAMENGAN!" Naruto scored a direct hit and launched Sasuke off of Hashirama Senju's statue into the water.

Naruto sniffled, "I couldn't do it. I couldn't save Sasuke and keep my promise," A sullen pause took place for a few seconds, "Well at least I got Sakura's clothes back. She's going to be so happy!"

Naruto's idiotic remark was punctuated by an enourmous splash rupturing from the river as Sasuke launched himself at Naruto using _wings_ to fly back to the top of the statue and give Naruto the hardest kick he'd ever felt in his life. The Uzumaki was sent tumbling and clutched his ribs which were cracked. "What the? Sasuke… You evolved. I didn't know."

The extremely pissed off Uchiha now using level two curse mark stared at him through his sharingan, "Dare I ask what you mean by that?"

"Y-You're a charizard aren't you? You blow fire and you have wings," He coughed up blood.

That comment pushed Sasuke's sharingan up a level, "Death is no longer enough to satisfy me and allow me to walk away from this happily…"

"Why do you want to die?"

Sasuke growled in annoyance, "I don't you idiot-Nevermind. Just, stop using that brain of yours."

"Oh wait I get it; you're trying to be cool and act like Kakashi-sensei… Well I don't care. I'll look cool when I drag your sorry ass back to the village!" Naruto declared.

Sasuke ignored the painfully wrong accusation and waved his hands through several signs, "Chidori!"

"Spicy ramengan?" Naruto created another regular rasengan.

"That's the same jutsu you idiot I can analyze the chakra," sneered Sasuke.

"I know, but I'm getting hungry," Naruto admitted.

"Well don't worry… I have your last supper right here!" Sasuke charged towards him with insane speed.

The two signature jutsu clashed in an epic blue flash of light and sent a ripple of energy throughout the area kicking up a huge cloud of dirt. Unbeknownst to them a plant being was watching from a ways out as the dust settled. "Interesting… It would seem that Itachi's little brother already possesses Porn ninja Kakashi's signature move," Black Zetsu commented.

"Is it over?" White Zetsu asked in a dumb tone.

"Well the Jinchuriki did get impaled by a chidori… But let's wait and see," Black Zetsu insisted, "With the Kyuubi's chakra he should possess incredible regenerative prowess."

Kurama is audibly irritated, " _Alright Naruto, you can be One-tailed if you beat this Uchiha prick."_

Sasuke let out a deep sigh of relief. A great feeling of closure and pressure being lifted off of him, "It's over; I… Killed Naruto," He said to himself quietly, not even sure how he felt about it.

Just as he began to sort through his emotions, Naruto's body erupted with a red coat of chakra, "WHAT?" Sasuke gawked.

"It's spicy Naruto time," the Uzumaki regained consciousness and healed at an alarming rate.

" _Oh god what did I agree to; no more moronic one-liners or I'll just stop helping and let you die."_

Not far from the standoff, "So… It's not over," White Zetsu whispered to his other half, who groaned in response.

Sasuke charges at him at full speed with the intent to punch him, "There's no way you're stronger than me with that goofy ass cloak"

Naruto expects some miracle protection from his new form but gets smacked hard, "Welp that didn't as much as it should I guess."

" _THIS ISN'T HOW IT WORKS, YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO DO SOMETHING! IMBECILE!_ " Kurama regrets loaning his powers.

"What the hell is this?" Sasuke wondered aloud, "Why are you going so far for me!"

"I'm doing this… Because we're friends!" Naruto socked him in the jaw, "Because you bought me a microwave!" He smashed his knee into Sasuke's stomach, "Because I can't stand you but we're fucking friends!" He declared and headbutted the Uchiha.

"Fuck you and your old microwave; that thing was a piece of shit!"

Naruto charges up his rasengan,"Here's the double spicy ramengan you ordered!" Sasuke braced himself, but just as Naruto closed in on him, his chakra cloak dissipated completely and he didn't have enough of his own chakra to maintain his jutsu, "What the?"

" _I SAID NO MORE OF THAT SHIT._ "

"Oh… Stupid fuzzball," Naruto complained and got slammed in the head, knocking him out cold.

Sasuke pulled a kunai but hesitated, he stared at the sleeping Naruto for a few minutes and eventually came to a decision… "No… I don't need to kill you; it doesn't help me achieve my goal so I don't care. You're out of my way now… Orochimaru's waiting," Sasuke spoke softly, retracted his curse mark and turned to leave Naruto there.

After taking a few steps away from his former comrade, Sasuke is put on alert when he heard the sound of a shadow clone dying or a substitution but he turned only to find that Naruto's transformation jutsu unsustained, revealing Sakura's now ragged clothing, "Tch, you look positively ridiculous; I suppose this is the closest Sakura has ever come to contributing on a mission though." And with a laugh to himself, he took off

* * *

The remaining rookie genin that did not go on the mission were steadily waiting at the entrance of the village and Sakura spots Kiba running full speed back, "Uhh, why does it look like Kiba is carrying a pack full of bones?"

"It's because a skeleton is sticking out of his overflowing backpack," Shino pointed out the obvious.

"But why? Oh no that better not be a skeleton of a kunoichi," Sakura shivers.

"I don't know what this weirdo is up to, but I'm staying out of his way," Ino joined in

"Hinata… Why didn't you tell us he was here?" The chunin on gate guard duty asked the heiress of the Hyuga clan whose byakugan was active.

"Wa-was it re-really that important?" Hinata looked the other way.

It took another twenty minutes for the rest of the team to show up, the medics immediately took Choji and Neji into their care and Hinata already mentioned she didn't see Sasuke, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH WHAT A LOSER THIS TEAM IS! I COULD HAVE BROUGHT HIM BACK MYSELF!"

"Why didn't you then?" Shikamaru glared at her rather harshly, "Neji and Choji are in CRITICAL condition!" He clenched his fists, "So do tell us why you didn't DO SOMETHING?"

Sakura shut the fuck up. And cried. A lot.

Sakura stopped and noticed Naruto, "Wait why is he wearing my clothing!?"

"Easy Sakura…" Naruto put his hands up in a defensive gesture, "I'm wearing these because I traded my clothes with Sasuke who got them from Kiba so that I could get them back to you!"

"That doesn't explain how KIBA FUCKING GOT THEM!" Sakura was seething. Shikamaru slipped past them and pulled Ino aside to whisper something in her ear, causing her to get positively irate but she said nothing.

"There's something I don't quite understand," Shino cut in, "Why did Kiba give Sasuke Sakura's clothes?"

Shikamaru sighed, "Because we didn't want to fight a naked dude. What do you expect?" Hinata fainted upon picturing this and Ino bent down to help her out.

"I'm sorry Sakura… I'm so sorry… I will bring him back next time! Oh and I'll get these clothes washed."

"Don't even bother giving me back my clothing anymore, just burn it. I don't even want this outfit anymore, ugh"

Kotetsu snickers at this while Izumo had a deadpanned look on his face,"The entire mission he was obsessed with having sex with the enemy kunoichi."

"That unfortunately sounds like my teammate," Shino stated in pure monotone.

An ANBU ninja tells Shikamaru to go to the Hokage's office immediately resulting in him saying something about missions being a drag and heading there while everyone else went to the ER to wait on what they hoped would be good news on their friends. Naruto was also in rough shape and needed to be treated.

 _ **A/N:**_ **Thanks for reading please review!**


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

 _ **A/N:**_ **Hey guys Ez iz bacccckkk sorry that took so long and this chapter is shorter than normal but I'm happy to drop something! We've been hella busy with shit lately but let's git ittt**

Ino and Sakura meet up at the local clothing store, as well as many other girls their age. If someone did not know any better, they would assume that there was a massive sale.

Ino unenthusiastically makes her way inside, "Ugh I can't believe stupid Shikamaru made a promise with stupid dog breath."

Sakura pulls Ino hard rushing themselves inside, "We gotta hurry, all of the good outfits will be gone!"

"Eh, I'm mostly here to buy something that will make me look unattractive."

Sakura scans the store, "Ah crap, they already ran out of red clothing, lame."

Ino goes to the undesirable section with Sakura following, "Oh Sakura, you have no taste in clothing"

"Says the one who's picking out some ugly baggy clothing"

Ino uses transformation jutsu to see how the clothes look on her, "How does it look? I'm trying to hide my curves"

"Pitiful, you don't have much to hide, we are twelve!"

Ino snaps, "Shut up you man-chested, red wearing, big forehead looking hoe."

Sakura unusually calm, "Wow, so much anger"

"You would be more pissed off than I am now if you had to go on a date with Kiba if NARUTO was the one who made the promise"

Sakura tries to calm down Ino, "Besides, Kiba won't care what you wear. I saw him bringing a bunch of human bones in the village, I am sure he would fuck a corpse if it was presented to him."

Ino storms out of the store with the clothing in hand, leaving Sakura to pick up the tab.

Sakura makes her way to the cashier, "Uh, excuse me miss, but do you have anything in red that's left?"

"We got two outfits left, one looks like it will be too big for you and the other one, no one has ever bought since Naruto has a similar one," as the cashier brings them out.

Sakura looks at the one that she needs to grow into first and thinks to herself, _chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa this is perfect! And with the zipper going down and right, it makes it look designer! And those pink sleeves and pink skirt will definitely go well with my hair!_ Sakura then looks at the other option and her excitement is gone. _Well I guess Kiba will not bother getting a clone outfit of this..._

It was ruby colored zip-up sweatshirt with a loose yellow outlined collar and a couple of shitty pockets that she could already imagine wouldn't actually keep anything in them for long without falling out. _Ugh I can't wait to get a little bigger so I can wear the first outfit. That thing is an atrocity._ "I'll take them both and whatever outfit my stupid friend ran out with."

"That will be $500"

Walking out of the store Sakura checks the receipt, " $40 for Ino's, $100 for the good one and wait what the fuck? $360 for THAT?"

The Security guard informed her that it was that expensive because they were trying to get Naruto to buy it and no, no refunds over purchases exceeding $359.

* * *

Naruto laid in bed snoring peacefully at the hospital. He was a fast healer, thanks to Kurama… But then Tsunade forced him to stay in bed for at least three days. He wanted to argue about it but Shikamaru convinced him to just keep quiet and rest up, something about it being a drag and having a troublesome woman running the village was bound to bring doom upon the both of them if he made an issue about it. Naruto wanted to believe the pineapple haired ninja had his back… But for some reason he felt like Shikamaru was being selfish on that one. Nonetheless, Naruto was toughing it out and napping in the middle of the day.

That is until… "IT IS I! THE ONE AND ONLY GREAT JIRAIYA OF THE SANNIN!" The toad sage unexpectedly busted through the third floor window, jolting Naruto awake.

"Goddamnit pervy sage!"

"Sorry. Didn't mean to startle you it's just that I'm so great I need a dynamic entrance."

"Oh whatever you're three of a kind I could always get one of the other two to teach me and avoid this shit," Naruto grumbled sleepily.

"Shut the fuck up, I got dysentary," Naruto's roomate gagged.

"Why are you gagging? That doesn't make any sense," Jiraiya regarded him.

"Fuck you man…"

"Don't mind him," Naruto cut in, "Shizune needs to bring him his narcotics."

"That… Doesn't sound particularly helpful. Oh well I don't care, I came by to ask you about your mission and also fill you in on some stuff."

"My mission…" Naruto's eyes went downcast, "Was a failure; Sasuke didn't come back to the village."

Jiraiya nods, "That's what Tsu-"

"And I cross-dressed," Naruto shook his head involuntarily.

Jiraiya paused, "What?" Naruto sighed as Jiraiya just stared at him, "You want to talk about it?"

"NO."

"Uhm… Wow it's getting hot in here they should turn the AC on. Anyway, let's talk about Sasuke," Jiraiya moved on awkwardly.

"I promised Sakura I would bring Sasuke back. And I'm still going to!"

"No Naruto," Jiraiya stopped him cold, "You're going to forget about Sasuke and concern yourself with your own life and future.

"I have to save him! Sakura-"

"Naruto don't be the fool I once was," Jiraiya got serious, "Orochimaru was once my friend… You can see how that turned out. I thought I could save him; what a joke."

"Oh yeah? Well Sasuke isn't Orochimaru. And I'm not you. So I'm going to do what I have to do for Sasuke!"

"Naruto listen to me you idiot! I'm trying to help you!"

"I don't care! I never go back on my word!" The Uzumaki stubbornly defied him.

" _It's his idiot way."_

"Shut up fuzzball; It's my ninja way to always stand by my word and my friends. And Sasuke… really is my friend. Believe it!"

"The longer you remain a fool in this shinobi world the less likely you are to live long, Naruto."

"If being a fool means I don't have to stab my best friend in the back… I'll remain a fool the rest of my life!"

"Your _friend_ DID stab you in the back. Do you not see the irony?"

Naruto turned his head away, "Is that all you have to say? Because I'm through listening to this."

Jiraiya crossed his arms nonchalantly but dropped the subject… For now, "Yes, there is something else we must talk about… Something of great importance."

"Well? Can we just get on with it?" Naruto grumbled, clearly agitated.

"How about I give you a chance to cool off first?" Jiraiya smiled, "I'll see you around soon Naruto. We'll get a bite to eat rather than discuss this at the damn hospital."

" _He's off to see his whores"_

The dysentary guy has another outburst, "Broke ass, I'll kick your ass when I'm out of here fucking porcupine hair motherfucker."

"I forgot to mention he has dementia," Naruto sighs, "Heyy!" He called out to the nurses down the hall, "Narcotics!"

* * *

A few days passed by and the girls have a night out and all of them go to the bathhouse, some of the boys are at the Yakiniku Q.

Sakura aggressively looks at Ino, "So how did that date go?"

"Why… did… you… have… to remind me?" Ino covers her face with her hands in dread.

Tenten speaks out, "Come on, it couldn't have been that bad"

"It doesn't matter what I did, I tried to look like some homeless sleazeball but I think it made it worse…" Ino rubs her temple. "He kept going on about how I made him bring out more of his primal urges… That on its own got me to leave the place. He had the audacity to ask for a second date… I didn't even answer him and went home and cried because my first date was with that disgusting thing. I'm going to KILL Shikamaru!"

Sakura brings Hinata into the mix, "Hinata, how did you get Kiba off of you? WE ALL WANT TO KNOW!"

Hinata red-faced as she is put on the spot, "Well if I-I told you, he w-would adapt and evolve and bother me again."

Tenten thinks for a second, "Well I guess a good way to have him off your back is to have Neji as your cousin"

"Oh n-no he doesn't care about th-hat at all!" Hinata clarified, "Kiba literally calls himself the horn dog. He doesn't let oth-ther males scare hi-im off of his prey.

"If he keeps coming after me… _I'm_ going to scare him off!" Ino grit her teeth.

Meanwhile at the barbeque…

"That sounds like it went terribly," Shikamaru regarded Kiba in a deadpanned voice.

"It is because she called you a disgusting fleabag's excrement," Shino agreed.

"Whaaat? You guys don't know shit! You guys gotta learn how to speak the language of the laiiidies!"

"Why did you feel the need to say it like that?" Shino raised an eyebrow and both Shikamaru and Neji sighed.

"Because…" Kiba shrugged, "Emphasize what's important."

"I don't understand," Shino said plainly.

"Kiba, would you mind spelling 'ladies' for us?" Neji requested oddly.

"Um sure? I didn't think you were that dumb but okay. L-A-I-D-I-E-S."

"...Right. I had a feeling he was that lost. Carry on," Neji turned away.

"Eh whatever, let's not get sidetracked! I'm totally all in with Ino. It's great!"

"You do realize she hates you, right?" Shikamaru blandly comments, regretting the fact he used Ino to lure Kiba into doing something on their last mission. _I'm never going to do that ever again… Especially since Ino's ire is somehow even more annoying than this!_

"Shut up! You're just mad that your teammate's hot but you can't hit it!"

"You guys are twelve," Neji deadpanned.

"Hey Neji are you gonna eat that?" Choji pointed at the Hyuga's barely touched plate.

Neji sighed, "No… You can have it. I have a prior engagement so you'll have to excuse me," He left the rookies with their Kiba problem.

"Kiba I really will kill you if you start non-stop harassing Ino," Shikamaru threatened but Kiba wasn't listening. The Inuzuka pulled a jar out of his pack; it was full of some strange grounded up white stuff that looked comparable to salt.

Choji stopped eating, "What's that!" he demanded with an extended finger.

"If I told you I don't think you would be willing to try-"

"I WANT TO TRY IT!" Choji grabs the jar and sprinkles some of it onto his plate.

"Choji!" Shikamaru futilely tried to dissuade him. Choji proceeded to munch down on his meat covered in whatever the hell that was.

"What the hell man!" Shikamaru deadpanned.

Choji swallowed, "What that?"

"Bone seasoning!"

"I didn't eat bones though," A confused Choji stated.

"No… Dude, the seasoning was bones. Ground up bones. In fact this is a special batch ground from that Kaguya guy."

"...It's not bad."

Shikamaru and Shino instantly hurled.

* * *

Elsewhere, Jiraiya and Naruto finally met up so that Jiraiya could tell him all about the Akatsuki and the plans he has for him now.

"So what's all this important stuff you had to tell me about anyway? Please tell me they aren't building a new pornshop."

"Sadly, under law, we can only have one pornshop per village, but we're not talking about that. Remember when Sasuke's older brother and that guy who's mother fucked a shark, apparently? They tried to kidnap you, and they are a part of an underground organization called the Akatsuki."

* * *

"Aaachoo!" Kisame sneezed, and halted his movement.

"Is something wrong? Itachi asked, as if he didn't already know where this was going.

"I sneezed Itachi…"

"I'm aware."

"Someone's talking about my mom again. I'LL KILL EM!"

* * *

"Why do they want me!? What is there about me that could possibly be so important!?"

" _Idiot."_

"Oh, right."

Ignoring his disciple, "The Akatsuki wants to capture all nine of the jinchuriki Naruto."

"Hmm well they can have mine, he hates me!"

"If they manage to extract the Nine-Tails… You will die."

Naruto squints,"Ah, well nevermind then guess I want to keep the annoying fuzzball."

" _I'm not fuzzy, I am a lean killing machine. Now let me out so I can eat you!"_

"You heard him, if I let you out, I die."

" _I see this as an absolute win; besides you wouldn't taste that much different alive!"_

"Whatever you dick!"

"Why are you still talking to the Nine-Tails if he harrasses you constantly? We need to get back on topic about the Akatsuki, they are also after a fellow genin, Gaara of the Sand."

"Oh no not my brother."

"..."

" _His mental capacity is bound to crash and reset at some point I'm sure."_

"The others are all adults and most of them have some level of control over their powers. Each and every one of them is dangerous. You however, while much improved since graduation… Are not dangerous. We need to fix that."

A proverbial lightbulb lit up above Naruto's head, "Wait I can control my fuzzy chakra?" Kurama groaned loudly.

"Honestly you got the bastard child of the bunch, literally refused to work with any of his jinchurikis, we had to only use Uzamaki bloodline because they have some control over him."

"So… I can't learn to control my fuzzy chakra?" A disappointed Naruto concluded.

Jiraiya smirked, "I suppose that's unlikely; there are other ways to become a badass. I'm not a jinchuriki; most people aren't."

" _Thanks captain obvious. Naruto, are you PAYING for this insight?"_

"I think it's free, although I probably have to pay for the dinner because he's broke ass"

"Wow dude, how else am I supposed to pay for my strippers? Anyway, I think we should leave the village for some Sannin level training, what do you say?"

" _Tell him he's not qualified."_

"Well my brain says yes but my fuzzy brain said no."

"Depending on which route we take, you'll either come back as a sage badass or master the use of your Nine-Tails chakra, potentially both."

" _Use my chakra and I will consume you in both meanings."_

"Um… Let's talk more about this sage stuff sometime," Naruto gulped.

" _Minato, I will fucking kill this kid just to spite you one day."_

* * *

"It's been awhile since we all gathered like this," Kisame's hologram commented.

"Indeed," Kakuzu replied, "Hopefully it's a long time before we convene again this is a waste of money."

"We're… paying for this?"

"No, but time is money."

"Kakuzu you disgusting heathen!"

"Shut up Hidan or I'll kill you!"

"Oh come on not this again! You're such a stuck up old man that's set in his ways."

"Shut _up_ ," Kakuzu said with more aggression.

"Silence, everyone," Pain took control over the petty chatter, "Before getting down to business, I would like to introduce Hidan, the newest member of Akatsuki. For those of you who don't know… He's the loud one."

"My Mom fucked a shark"

Itachi not even surprised, "Really Kisame?"

"Sorry, I haven't met that guy yet."

"What the actual fuck?" Hidan uttered, "Fucking sinners these days."

"Tread carefully new guy," Kisame said in a dark voice.

Pain summons White Zetsu, "What do you have on the Nine-Tails?"

"That Jiraiya guy is going to take him and train for a few years, something about sage mode and controlling his tailed-beast."

Grinning, "So does that mean we get to go after him soon then?"

Pain's hologram shook his head the negative, "The Kyuubi has to be the final one to be sealed in the Gedo statue. We will begin hunting the other eight in two years time, according to Kakuzu we will have the proper finances by that time."

"If he wasn't embezzling money we'd be ready in a month," Hidan quipped.

"Can I kill him?"

"I honestly don't think anyone will care if you find a way to," Deidara spoke up boredly.

"Each of you knows your assignments; be ready to begin our jinchuriki crusade in two years."


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

 _ **A/N:**_ **Yoo what's up readers! A transitionary chapter today to connect the timegap from the early portion of this story to the shippuden timeline. We're very excited that we can start writing shippuden soon!**

The small but violent hand was harmlessly swatted away by Lady Fifth and the young genin got her legs swept from underneath her. The girl winced and braced for agony as the Hokage pulled her fist back readily to pound her through the Earth and thanked the lord when Tsunade halted her fist mere inches from Sakura's face. Sakura let out a sigh of relief and picked herself up.

"Your movements are improving; a year under my tutelage has done wonders for you but you still have a long way to go if you hope to ever reach your goals," Tsunade commented.

Sakura half-smiled, "It's all thanks to you milady… Don't worry I promise you this won't turn out as a waste of your time."

Tsunade smirked, "I should certainly hope not. It's been a long time since I had a pupil. In fact, Shizune was the last person I passed my knowledge onto."

"I can't believe it's already been a year," Sakura reflected, "I wonder how Sasuke and Naruto are doing."

 _She really said Sasuke first even though he's the traitor._ Tsunade noted, _I wonder when she'll move on from that Uchiha brat and latch onto some other guy._ "Knowing Naruto I'm sure he's learning all sorts of stuff from Jiraiya. Some of it should be of actual use."

"And Sasuke is probably unimaginably strong now!" Sakura said dreamily.

 _I hate my job, I need a drink._ Tsunade sighed, "Come on, let's work on your medical ninjutsu."

* * *

Naruto and Jiraiya are walking back to camp after a failed attempt at controlling the Nine-tailed beast, Jiraiya reminds Naruto that it is difficult,"The easiest way to control the Nine-tails is the Mangekyou sharingan and only Itachi has that and he's working for the Akatsuki… All of the other ways to normally control him have either died or been lost, our best hope is for you to learn sage jutsu, rather than relying on convincing him."

Naruto stares haphazardly, "How am I supposed to be the best shinobi ever if I can't even use all of my chakra reserves?"

"Don't worry about that, perfecting sage mode will make you as strong as using the Nine-tails, but no one has ever perfected toad sage jutsu, you can be the first if you work hard enough. There will no doubt be resistance from the kyuubi as he will definitely be jealous that you're not using him anymore."

Kurama lazily speaks out, " _Coward, all I want to do is destroy your damn village_."

Naruto grins at his stomach, "You're going to get so jealous once I perfect sage mode"

" _Why would I be jealous over something that is trash?"_

"Also Naruto, imperfect sage mode is still pretty dangerous" Jiraiya does his stance.

"Yeah, but I'll perfect it and be even better"

"I think it is time you meet Ma and Pa, of course not right now as I am tired as hell trying to make sure you didn't fuck up a random village, so I go to sleep now," Jiraiya finishes his sentence as he passes out.

" _Pathetic._ "

* * *

"Summoning jutsu!" Sasuke bellowed and a huge smoke cloud erupted, revealing a giant purple snake upon clearing.

"What do you want you human trash!?" Manda hissed at Orochimaru.

"Aggressive as always. Sasuke, this is Manda, lord of the snakes."

"What's this? A sacrifice? Only one? HA don't tell me you need help defeating this puny brat!"

"This child intends to sign the snake summoning contract, he is my pupil of sorts," Orochimaru clarified.

"I refuse!" Manda hissed.

Orochimaru raised an eyebrow, "You didn't refuse Anko, not that you've ever been particularly sensible."

"Watch your tongue!" Manda glared harshly, "I refuse him because he's an Uchiha. Fuck them!"

"You have no right to speak of the Uchiha," Sasuke returned the glare, activating his sharingan.

"Oh I'll give you this… He's not a coward," Manda cackled, "But I'm still going to devour him whole and we'll see what I think about you afterwards… Orochimaru!"

Orochimaru sighed, "Why can't I ever have summons that actually do what I ask of them?"

"If I kill this snake, what happens?" Sasuke questions.

"The next most powerful snake in line takes charge of course."

"Let's hope the next most powerful one has a higher IQ than Naruto," Sasuke charged after Manda.

* * *

Sasuke breathed heavily, "That was intense," He admitted, resting on top of the dead Manda's corpse.

"You never would've won without the curse mark; your progression has been stellar but you still need to improve a long way if you wish to take out Itachi," Orochimaru assessed from the side of them.

"Then we continue training," a determined Sasuke stood up and leapt down to face Orochimaru in a spar, or so he intended.

Orochimaru raised an eyebrow, "Don't be an idiot, you're completely exhausted and have almost no chak-"

"I don't give a fuck! Itachi wouldn't be exhausted! I'll just push my limit until it expands through sheer willpower!" The young Uchiha sprinted at his master.

"That's retarded, you aren't going to touch me like this," Orochimaru told him in a 'matter of fact' voice. Halfway to Orochimaru he stopped himself and coughed up a considerable amount of blood.

Orochimaru snorted, "Let's go find Kabuto you fool."

Sasuke nodded begrudgingly, "Fine. Just… Keep his hands where they belong," He requested in an uncomfortable voice.

Orochimaru frowned, "I've told him a thousand times to stop doing that! I swear if he defies my wishes one more time I'll hand him to Jugo. Or use him as a reanimation vessel… Or turn him into a scarecrow in the middle of nowhere with a sign on it that says 'free food for zetsu.'"

Sasuke, momentarily disregarding his injuries, "W-What was that last one?" not following at all.

* * *

Team 8 is waiting on Kiba, "Why has Kiba been like an hour late to meetup recently?" Kurenai asks.

Shino snickers, "Oh I thought you already knew, he got kicked out of the the only bath-house that would still accept his money here."

Kurenai has a disgusted look, "Uh what? How is that even possible? That place is full of rejected sleazeballs."

Shino readjusts his glasses, "Yeah, got so desperate to see a naked woman, he brought a mirror to the bath-house and turned himself into one with the transformation jutsu and the other guys tried to fuck him and he had to run for his life like an idiot."

"I-I was walking home past there when it happened, I see this woman fully na-naked, and then I noticed that it looked like a female Naruto and I fainted out of embarrassment. I cried all throughout the night."

Kurenai stares at her deadpanned, "I'm unsure whether or not I'm more upset with his transformation jutsu skill level or his deep problems."

Kiba finally arrives, "I hate my life."

"You brought this on yourself," Kurenai facepalms.

* * *

"Like can you believe he did that to me though? I'm a ninja! I could kill him and his whole family and they wouldn't even realize I was there!"

"...Yeah… Don't say stuff like that. We're in public remember."

"Yeah, yeah whatever I'm pissed Shikamaru! Be supportive of me!" Ino fired back.

Shikamaru sighed, hands in pockets as they walked through the village, "Whatever. I don't see why you have to turn this into my problem woman."

Ino's jaw dropped, "It's called being close friends you jackass! If you got cheated on and you had to dump some bitch I would be there for you!"

"Great. So nice to know that, but that's never going to happen because I'm not going to get myself involved with some troublesome woman."

Ino crossed her arms doubtfully, "Oh yeah? You're going to just… _Exist_ for the next sixty years? You aren't going to even _try_ to find someone? You truly epitomize laziness." Shikamaru yawned, perfectly on cue to support what Ino was saying, which did not go unnoticed by her.

"Fine, I won't bother you with my ex-drama anymore… What do YOU want to talk about?" Ino smugly pushed.

"Nothing," Shikamaru shrugged, "Just walk with me."

Ino's eye twitched, "For someone that doesn't want a lady you have a funny way of making it sound like we're on a date!" She wagged her finger at him.

Shikamaru blushed, caught off guard, "What!? I'm not-" He stopped trying to explain when Ino busted up laughing.

"You're such a drag…"

"You set yourself up for that one," Ino stuck her tongue out at him, "Like it or not, I'm not going just run around the village with you and NOT converse. Why did you even ask me to come out here if we aren't doing something?"

"My mom was being a total nag," Shikamaru sighed, "I needed to make an excuse to get away from the house so I told them you and I had to do some team shit. Choji's got clan stuff going on this weekend."

"And we aren't actually doing any team related stuff because…?"

Shikamaru stared at her.

"Okay, I'll admit… That was a blonde question," she backed down, "Can we at least get a bite to eat? And you're paying since I could be at home being productive right now!"

"'Productive' right, fantasizing about slaughtering your ex's family. Riiight," Shika smirked.

Ino sweatdropped, "Point taken… We'll split the bill."

* * *

 _One year later_

Naruto is struggling to put on his clothing, "We need to get you a new outfit… you have worn that out and you only brought one pair like an idiot and it's obvious you've grown out of that," Jiraiya commented.

Naruto rips a little bit of the right shoulder area, "It says one size fits all, there's no reason why I should buy a new outfit?"

"Fuck it, I'll buy you the new outfit. I just don't want to have to train someone that looks like a hobo," Jiraiya grabs his wallet.

Jiraiya already had planned to get Naruto some new clothes, he was hoping Naruto would be the one to buy them. Jiraiya is in internal agony as he will miss his weekly strip club trip.

They make their way down a few blocks and enter the store that specializes in clothing and some tailoring, "This is lame" Naruto immediately says, "None of them look good."

Jiraiya smacks Naruto, "You're going to get an outfit and you're going to like that outfit. We're not leaving until you get one that you like."

"There is nothing orange here, this place lacks my style," Naruto complained.

The cashier overheard and rushes over, "Oh my lord, are you actually the type of weirdo to wear orange? Well we don't have a large stock of orange clothing but we do have this one that has been sitting in the back for a few years now. It just might be your size too!" The lady rushes to the back.

Jiraiya cuts Naruto off before he can even say something, "Don't you dare act like you don't try to stand out by wearing orange."

Naruto crosses his arms, "Fuck you man, you have a porn addiction; you also throw twenties when you should be throwing ones."

The cashier comes back with 5 of the same outfit, "Buy one and get four for free, would you also like to stitch a clan marking on them as well? It will come out to $120 if you do"

Jiraiya eyes flare up in excitement because he has enough to go to the club, "Yes we will, his clan is Uzumaki and here's the $120, I'm out this bitch. Naruto I'll be home by midnight this time."

Naruto facepalms, "We were going to train today too…"

* * *

"I-I… Don't li-like this," Hinata whispered.

Tenten slapped her playfully on the back, "Lighten up! It's fine! We're leaving them coin behind so don't think of it as stealing! We're just… Making an unconventional purchase."

"Wi-without the sellers knowledge!" Hinata looked away, not liking it at all.

"It's not a big deal Hinata sheesh," Tenten crossed her arms, "They're still getting the same money either way. If you really want… Give them extra if that would make you feel better."

Hinata let out a deep sigh an avoided eye contact, "Fine."

"So you'll do this then? I can do it myself but you have those special eyes of yours to watchout for any shinobi police that might happen to be around at the wrong time."

Hinata nodded timidly, she didn't like it but she also understood Tenten and the others' point of view. Additionally, she didn't want to be the reason why Tenten got in trouble if some jonin was passing by or inside and caught her. The byakugan made her the best choice and she wouldn't let her friends down. She needed to think of this as a tiny opportunity to be strong like Naruto!

Tenten smiled, she didn't expect Hinata to go for it, "Okay," she reached in her bag and pulled out a scroll that she offered to Hinata, "Head inside, grab plenty and store it in this!"

* * *

Shortly after Hinata and Tenten departed that shop, they arrived at the door of an apartment complex and knocked on the door that read 117. "No soliciting!" A muffled shout came from the other side of the door.

Tenten rolled her eyes, recognizing the voice, "Open the door Ino or I'll go find Kiba."

The door opened _instantly_ , "You wouldn't!" She accused and the girls outside snickered.

"Come on in guys!" Sakura waved at them from the background and Ino moved out of their way.

Tenten whistled and she looked around, this was the first time anyone other than Ino had seen Sakura's new apartment. It was decent sized, plenty of space for two people if she wasn't living alone and she had all the necessary furniture. The place was very tidy and the chairs and couch looked cozy, "This is a very nice place Sakura," Hinata complimented, "Congratulations," She told her with a smile.

Sakura perked up, "Thanks! I saved a lot of money for this… I was so sick of living with my parents they can't adjust to my lifestyle!"

"That sounds nice; if I wasn't the heiress of my clan I'd look into it myself," Hinata thought aloud.

"I'm trying to become Sakura's roommate but she's being a bitch," Ino chimed in playfully.

"I told you I'd think about it just stop being so pushy!"

"Yeah, that's gonna happen," Tenten rolled her eyes.

Sakura clapped her hands, "So… You guys got the stuff?"

Hinata clearly became more uncomfortable and Tenten reached for the scroll, "You could make it sound less like we got together to do crack… But yes, everything is right here," She informed and set the scroll on the dining table, releasing it. In the midst of the smoke appeared several bottles of different liquors.

"Everyone had something to eat today right? I heard you shouldn't drink on an empty stomach or you get reeaaally sick," Ino brought up.

"Re-Really? I wa-wasn't sure if we we-were going to have din-nner together or nn-not so I…"

Sakura held a hand up to stop her, "It's fine Hinata I've got food."

"I couldn't-"

"Nonsense," Sakura cut her off immediately and waved her to follow her to the fridge, "Tonight is a celebration! All four of us are finally chunin! So I won't let _anything_ stop us from having a fun ass night together!"

"Well I don't need to eat so let's get this shit started! I'm actually really curious to see what it's like to get drunk." Ino reached for a bottle but then froze, "Wait… we're stupid. None of us have shot glasses," She realized, deadpanned.

"INO YOU PIG DON'T START WITHOUT US! This is everyone's first time!"

Tenten giggled in her expense, "I guess we can use normal cups… and just barely fill them. Welcome to amateur hour," She laughed sheepishly.

Hinata and Sakura return to the table, the Hyuga with a sandwich in her hands, "Don't worry about me I don't re-really mind you can start," She blushes, "I don't want to keep you guys waiting."

Sakura lays out a tea cup for each of them, "These will have to do…"

"Let's start with the sake since it should be weaker than the other stuff…" Tenten decided for them and began pouring in everyone's cup, "Plus it shouldn't be a problem for Hinata to do a toast with us before she finishes eating." Everyone nodded.

"TO FINALLY MAKING CHUNIN CHAAAA!" They all clashed drinks and Ino called Sakura a weirdo.

Awhile later...

Tenten coughed involuntarily, "Three," She croaked out, damn this stuff made her throat feel funny.

Ino downed one, "Five," She smirked at Sakura who immediately evened the score and smirked back causing Tenten to roll her eyes.

"Twoooo aannnd I'm passsinng ouuuutt," Hinata slurred out.

 _Great, we have to the two competitive idiots that are going to get sick and the uber lightweight that will somehow follow suite despite barely tasting it._ Tenten leaned back in her chair comfortably. At least she felt _hella_ good right now.

"I won't let you win forehead!" Ino tried to act tough but couldn't stop laughing half way through the sentence.

"Me either bitch," Sakura retorted but laughed too, "Oh man… we are _so_ lightweight."

 _Well we are teenage girls so there's that…_ Tenten thought to herself.

Lady Tsunade walks in uninvited, "Wow, having a party with booze and not inviting me? What a shame," she downs a bottle and leaves with the remaining booze, "this will suffice for the night."

"That's oursss!" Sakura whined.

"Yeah we illegally paid for it!" Ino said angrily, "Which to be clear is still PAYING!"

Tsunade sweatdropped at the logic failure, "Yeah I don't care. I want to drink this. I'm Hokage. Bye."

Hinata half asleep with her byakugan on, "Ms. Big Boobs is here"

"You're a little late on that, idiot" Sakura gives her a death glare.

"I have to go to the bathroom," Ino announced and slowly got up.

"Again?"

"Fuck off," Ino laughed and stumbled around Sakura's chair, "Damn it."

Sakura and Tenten laughed at her as she retreated to the bathroom, "I don't think we have any sense of moderation but this is fun."

"Speak for yourself," Tenten yawned. These idiots were having problems but she was doing just _fine_.

"I wish Naruto was here," Sakura finally mentioned, "I mean… Everyone from our group made chunin except for him."

"AND…?" Tenten whirled her hand around in a manner that suggests Sakura needed to add something to that.

Sakura blinked, "What?"

"You're forgetting something…" Tenten insisted.

Hinata imitates Sakura's voice, "Sasukeeeeeee."

"I don't sound like that!" Ino defended herself from the other room.

"Dumbass bitch," Sakura muttered, "And yes you do! And fuck you Hinata, you can't even talk to Naruto without having a panic attack."

"Next year!" Hinata raised a finger straight up at the skies for no apparent reason, " I'LL BE HUGE BOOB LADY II!" She proclaimed.

"How the fuck are you this wasted…." Tenten wondered aloud.

"Me need few drink, I go sleep now. Night night."

Tenten just stared in awe, "What?"

"Ino bring Hinata some water on your way back?"

"Why me!?"

"I would prefer you bring her toilet water," a bitter Sakura replied.

"Well you are usually a petty ass bitch so why wouldn't alcohol make you worse?" Ino shouted back.

"You're not moving in with me!"

"Fuck you!" She called back to Ino. "I wonder what he's up to… And who is he supposed to take his test with when all of us are already promoted?"

"Dunno," Tenten shrugged, "Not a predicament I would want to be in."

"I guess we'll find out in a year… I can't wait to show him how much stronger I've gotten! He'll be so impressed when he see's my medical ninjutsu… and my super substitution jutsu!"

"Is that… a joke?"

Sakura shook her head, "Nope it's my new secret move!"

Tenten sighed. "That doesn't sound secret. At all.."


	16. Halloween Special

**HALLOWEEN SPECIAL**

 _ **A/N**_ **: What's upp! Ez droppin' a surprise halloween treat for ya! This took place prior to the invasion arc… In between the month that the genin qualifying for the finals had to prepare for their matches after the prelim phase. Felt it would be better if Sasuke and Naruto weren't out of the village after all. At any rate… Hope ya enjoy!**

Naruto is unaware of the Halloween festivities that goes around the village due to him always being a loner and staying in his apartment all day when he wasn't sleeping through class. Naruto assumed someone made an error while delivering the catalogs and Naruto got one since this was the first year he'd ever received one, "Wait Halloween isn't just in movies? And why are there pictures of random people in this? There's a loser section in this and Kiba is the first one on the page hahaha. Oh wait what I'M ON THE PAGE TOO!"

Lee knocks on Naruto's door, "Hey Naruto, are you home!" He shouts WAY too loudly.

Naruto sighed, "I'm coming…" _What does that weirdo want?_

" _I hate this one more than the others… He's second behind Sasuke."_

Naruto scoffed at 'second voice,' commentary, "What happened to Sakura?" he rolled his eyes.

" _Meh… I was suppressing her existence; And I hate you too."_

"Naruto what are you talking about?"

"Nothing," Naruto responded quickly and opened the door finally.

Lee is genuinely confused, "Why haven't you dressed up for Halloween yet?"

"Uhhh I haven't decided… Looks like you're in the same boat," Naruto hides the fact he didn't know. _Wow, Lee grew a lot since five days ago._ Indeed Lee was significantly taller than usual and outfitted with a jonin vest.

"How can you not tell I'm Guy-sensei!?"

Kurama growls, " _That act might have put him to first."_

Naruto sweatdropped, "Umm because you dress like Guy everyday?"

Lee is positively flabbergasted, "What! How can you say that? Guy-sensei's hair has much more volume! And look I'm taller! Plus I've added age to my face while maintaining the springtime of our youth!"

" _Get rid of him!"_ Kurama growled.

Naruto looks at his stomach, "He's retarded but he's got spirit."

"Who are you talking to?" Lee is concerned.

"Oh, I'm talking to my second voice," Naruto says it like it was normal to talk to yourself like that.

"Guy-sensei told me that's your youth talking"

" _Well Guy is mentally challenged_."

"...I don't think my 'youth' would be this mean," Naruto suggested otherwise.

"Well I must be off!" Lee waved, "I need to show Tenten and Neji my halloween transformation!"

" _Thank the sage of six paths…"_

"Man this is so cool! I'm gonna go to that festival tonight!" Naruto pumped his fist.

" _GOD DAMNIT NARUTO!"_

Naruto opens up the catalog again and searches for someone he wants to be.

"None of these guys are interesting so far." He finally flips to the Hokage section and sees the Fourth Hokage on it, "Oh wait, that's definitely someone I want to be like, I gotta make him my Halloween transformation."

" _Of course you pick the worst Hokage on here,"_ Kurama groaned.

"What did he ever do to you?"

Kurama whines, " _Look in the mirror and you'll see my nightmare._ "

Naruto transforms into Minato, "I feel like I'm missing something."

" _Yeah, you're missing your wife._ "

* * *

A masked man shrouded in a grey cloak with a midsized shuriken chained to his back set foot in the Leaf and glances in the direction of where you were supposed to check in, only to find that no one was there. "Convenient," The man smiled behind his mask and headed into the village.

Jashin was going to be _so_ pleased tonight.

* * *

Later that night the Halloween festivities began as the sun set! All active shinobi were automatically invited and so the majority of the Leaf shinobi began rallying in the middle of the village fully prepared to party. Rather than spend time and effort (or money) making costumes like the civilians would, the shinobi just used a transformation jutsu, a genius idea thought up by a member of the Nara clan back in Lord Second's reign. The tradition has existed ever since… And just like any other year, there would be a class of rookies experiencing their very first festival.

"Sakura!" Ino called out, waving from a little ways down the street.

"Oh hey!" The two met up. Things between them were awkward; only about two weeks had passed since their preliminary match ended in a double knockout and Ino had to restore her psyche to its rightful place. Both weary of all the drama that had gone on between them over the last few years they agreed to try and mend the relationship and from the looks of it this festival would be the first step towards being friends again.

"So… You're going as yourself?" Sakura commented, looking over the taller and older more mature looking Yamanaka.

"This is supposed to be me as a jonin! Looks like you had the same idea." Sakura's transformation also added age and maturity, but instead of typical ninja clothing she was wearing short shorts and a tight slutty outfit that showed a massive amount of cleavage she definitely was never going to have.

"Uh yeah! Yeah same idea," Sakura lied through her teeth. _Sikkee I'm just going as the PERFECT woman for Sasuke! CHA!_

Ino scratched her chin, "You should add a jonin vest like I did; it would be more obvious. Also… Be honest, you aren't going to have tits that big."

"Hey, you don't see me telling you how to show up for Halloween!"

Ino shrugged, "All right all right, constructive criticism sheesh. Let's go already."

Oblivious to them, Sasuke walks past them with an ANBU transformation and blonde hair, _thank god Kakashi told me to change my hair or else I would have had to deal with them._

Team eight arrived together. "You guys disappoint me even in this," Shino informed them. He was an infested mummy, using his transformation for the mummy getup and having his bugs move in and out of his body in a way that benefitted his presentation. It was creative and he looked good for the event.

Hinata… was Naruto. She looked down at the ground in a shy and timid manner which looked bizarre on his face.

And then there was Kiba…

"Say my line!"

Shino is massively dissapointed, "Go fuck yourself, I'm embarressed to even be around."

"Fine I'll do it myself!," Kiba says as he bursts through a drink stand, "I'm in a giant condom because I got a huge dick!" The Inuzuka yelled loudly and proudly, causing several heads to turn and just see a moron in a huge condom outfit.

Some slutty thirty year old swoons over there looking for an easy lay, "Hiii."

Shino puts a hand up, "Miss, he's twelve."

"Oh," She crossed her arms and storms away disappointed.

"Bro, you're the shittiest wingman ever!" The condom yelled at Shino.

"That might be because I was never your wingman, if we are ever in dire need, I'll let you die," Shino holding back his rage towards Kiba the condom.

Elsewhere…

Shikamaru and Choji are hauling a whole ass (STOCKED) refrigerator, "Come on Choji, why couldn't you bring one of your mini fridges?

"This is a VITAL prop for my Halloween transformation man! Gotta go all out for our first time being aloud to attend this event."

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THE FRIDGE!" Shikamaru raised his voice in annoyance.

"Imma eat the food in it"

"There's going to be food AT THE PARTY."

"Yeah but that ruins the point of my costume. I'm going as a fridge robber!"

Shikamaru sighed, that was so retarded it wasn't even funny, "This is such a drag…"

"What are you supposed to be anyway? You look like you're using a jutsu on yourself."

Shikamaru attempted to shrug while they carried the fridge, "Coming up with some kind of transformation and burning chakra seemed like too much effort so I took a dip in a bunch of black paint so I can just claim to be a silhouette," Shika yawned, "It should wash off just fine."

"That sounds like more work than a fucking transformation jutsu," Choji replied, deadpanned.

"You know what else sounds like more work?" Shikamaru's eye twitched, "Carrying a FRIDGE."

Genma shook his head as he happened to catch the end of that conversation from a nearby rooftop. He was one of the select jonin and ANBU that were keeping up on the security of the village and the festivities. "So these are some of the brats I got to put up with in a couple weeks," He chewed on a senbon. "Bunch of morons."

Meanwhile, Naruto arrived by himself. Well, sort of. " _This is dreadful, why do you humans waste your time like this?"_

"You're just mad that no one else can hear you."

"Oh hey it's a Lord Fourth transformation," Kotetsu commented.

Izumo whispers "Bro we gotta stay quiet, we're supposed to be gatekeeping right now."

"Lord Hokage!" an ANBU approaches him with a hot cup of coffee in his hand, "Can we turn the music up really loud and possibly disturb the civilians?"

Hiruzen took another hit, "Yeah, blast the shit out of that!" He permitted.

"Sweet," The ANBU took a big slurp and took off.

Asuma, who was transformed into monk attire in honor of his friends at the fire temple, lit another cigarette, "Aren't the ANBU and voluntary jonin supposed to be security for this?"

"Yes," Hiruzen confirmed.

"Then why was that guy asking about the music…" Asuma pointed out.

"Um… I see your point. Oh well, I'm sure everything will be fine," Hiruzen brushed it off, "Hey why didn't you remind me to transform?" Lord Third asked, realizing he hadn't yet.

Asuma sweatdropped, "I did, senile old man."

Hiruzen ignored his rebellious son and transformed into Lord First and then immediately grabbed his pipe again, which looked really weird with his new look.

A random person lands in front of the two Sarutobi's looking kind of like Naruto but around Asuma's age, "The name's Naruto Uzumaki! I'm here to take your hat away gramps!"

Asuma facepalmed, "Naruto you idiot this event isn't an excuse for you to come up to my dad and act like a jackass."

"I'm actually Konohamaru," He pouted. "I've figured out how to do a regular transformation based on when Naruto taught me the sexy jutsu so now I can be 'Hokage Naruto' for Halloween! Isn't that cool!"

Hiruzen thought about the sexy jutsu and had blood shoot out of his nose, "Ah yes… The woman jutsu. He should be next in line for Hokage for sure, such a great innovator."

"Dad that's… But… He's an idiot!"

Speaking of idiots…

Lee and Guy show up as each other, "Hey Lee," Lee says, "What Guy-Sensei?" Guy answers, "You have the power of youth in you"Lee expressed"Thanks for the inspirational quote Guy!" The two of them erupt in over the top laughter together.

Tenten transformed into a swordsmen and Neji follow behind them embarrassed.

Tenten eye twitches at the sight of Kiba, "At least they're not a condom."

"What?" The usually stoic Neji turns around hastily and drops his jaw.

Just as she warned him, someone was dressed as a _condom_ and he couldn't believe his eyes as it worked it's way over to the two girls he recognized as the ones that lost in a double knockout during the preliminaries. "Wow…" Neji didn't bother keeping his composure, just staring in awe that anyone was that stupid.

Kiba approaches Ino and Sakura,"Hey sexy ladies."

Both of them at the same time, "NO!"

"C'mon… I'll _protect_ ya baby!"

That voice sounded familiar, "Oh no…" Sakura put a hand over her mouth, "K-Kiba…?"

"Baby you know it!"

"Eww…" Sakura and Ino groaned in unison.

"Wait is that Tsunade?" Jiraiya comes out of nowhere and pushes Kiba the Condom away.

Kiba is drenched in milk, he was planning on breaking it and have the milk poor out when he got 'lucky', "You asshole, you broke the condom. Now I gotta go home and fix it. We better have another gallon of milk!"

Ino leaned back from Jiraiya's gaze as he eyed her up and down, "You're not Tsunade," He scratched his face with a hint of disappointment, "I broke someone's awesome costume for no reason."

Asuma cringes, "Why was Jiraiya trying to hit on a teenage genin?"

Hiruzen exhaled smoke, "Well to be fair, she is transformed into an adult"

"That's still kind of nasty though."

Hiruzen has a crooked smile, "Yeaahh, I'm a perv too so who cares."

Hiruzen widens his eyes, "Wait a minute, those two guys over there are supposed to be watching the gate. HEY YOU GUYS, GO BACK TO WATCHING THAT GATE!"

Asuma draws from his cigarette, "Their names are Kotetsu and Izumo, dad"

Hiruzen goes back to chilling, "I don't give a shit, I know them as 'those two guys'."

As Kotetsu and Izumo make their way back to the gate, they run into Zetsu, "Stop there, who are you supposed to be?"

Zetsu knowing that he can wander around the village as himself for today, "Oh me? We'r-I mean, I'm just a venus fly-trap

"The fuck is that?" Izumo questioned

"It's a plant"

"Then why are you half white and half black too?"

Zetsu thinks of a clever response, "Why are you racist?"

Izumo not trying to get in trouble again, "My bad dude, I didn't mean to come off that way. You're free to go now."

Black Zetsu whispers to white Zetsu, "They are imbeciles, this has to be the easiest spy mission to date."

Back at the festival, "Naruto," Someone got his attention from behind.

Whoever they were, their face was concealed by a mask and they were fully geared up in an ANBU outfit. Naruto squinted, "What's up?"

"It's me, you idiot. Your teammate."

"Hmm… Sakura that doesn't sound like you."

"Your _other_ teammate."

"Oh. Hey bastard," Naruto greeted with less enthusiasm.

"Isn't that the Fourth Hokage?"

"Yep, he was badass! Easily my favorite Hokage."

"Hn."

"..."

"..."

"So is there a reason why you came over to talk to me?" Naruto questioned.

Sasuke shrugs, "I don't know what to do I hate everyone and I can't take this mask off to eat because I don't want Sakura or Ino to find me. Sadly I've resorted to finding and talking to you."

" _Yeah, I can understand that. I've been there before."_

"Why don't you just transform into someone else so they don't know it's you."

Sasuke, feeling dumb now, turned his head away looking for an excuse because he didn't want to do something that _Naruto_ suggested, "I… Don't want to do that… Because this is easily the best Halloween transformation here!" He declared.

Naruto's mouth dropped, "What!? No it's NOT!" And thus began a pointless argument between the two male members of team seven, leaving Sasuke with something to do… but tons of regret.

* * *

The festival had been going on for two hours now. Naruto finally ran into Sakura, who was still hanging out with Ino. Sasuke vanished out of thin air from Naruto's side the second they got too close. "Hey girls!" Naruto greeted, the face of Minato Namikaze blushing when he saw an extremely attractive, busty Sakura.

"Naruto is that you?" Sakura guessed.

"Yeah! You look… Well um… You look great."

Sakura blushed, "Hey, please don't hit on me…" She whined, "Kiba was bad enough. Lee who looked like Guy was just too fucking much."

Ino laughed in her expense, "I told you you shouldn't have done that to your tits."

"Fuck off," Sakura grunted, and Naruto just awkwardly scratched his head, afraid of antagonizing her now.

"Wait a second, why are you two hanging out?" He asked, confused.

"Why can't we?" Ino huffed, evading the question. They'd rather not make a big deal out of it, there had been enough drama already.

"We used to be really close, you might remember," was all Sakura said, not really wanting to talk about that either, "What have you been doing during the festival?" She changed the subject.

"Uh… Well I tried a bunch of different foods but I can't find any ramen, which is lame if you ask me. I've been talking to Iruka and arguing with my second voice." He was nice and kept Sasuke's name out of his mouth, but he mostly didn't want the bastard to instantly grasp their attention.

"Iruka-sensei?" Ino asked, she hadn't seen him in a long time.

"Yeah, he's right here," Naruto pulled out a kunai, "And look Sakura! He wanted to participate!"

"Hey guys, nice to see you!" The kunai spoke.

Ino fell over. "Hello Iruka-sensei," Sakura greeted, have you been enjoying the festival?"

"What the fuck?" Ino asked from on the ground.

Across the festival, Jiraiya remembers he has not transformed himself yet and transforms into Orochimaru so he can make fun of him, "Ahh my favorite pupil," Hiruzen said.

Hayate sighs, "Sir, that's Master Jiraiya, he literally just transformed right in front of you. You got to lay off the fucking pipe."

Hiruzen wipes his eyes, "Oh shit, it's the strip club homie."

Jiraiya berates Hiruzen, "Oh yeah your favorite pupil who performed disgusting and illegal experiments on people. Who also tried to commit war crimes and betrayed the village."

"I forgot, shieeet no one reminds me of shit ever. He still my favorite though."

Hayate contemplates leaving the village, "How is this idiot the Hokage?"

Naruto hears Hayate, "Hey, you just don't know him, he's cool!"

He then sees a black hair kid with his hair style, "Hey you kid, who are you supposed to be?"

The kid looks up from his porn book, "Sensei? Is that you?"

"No I'm not your sensei. Who are you supposed to be?"

The kid turns out to be Kakashi and is embarrassed, "I'm supposed to be my good friend Obito. And are you Naruto transformed into the Fourth Hokage?"

"Hell yeah! Best Hokage ever. Wait I think I see me!" Naruto abruptly leaves to go to himself.

"HEY YOU! Who are you?" Naruto says to the transformation Naruto.

"I'm N-n-a-aruto!" Hinata said excitedly.

"I know you're me, but who are you?

Hinata faints like she usually does when she talks to Naruto, "Okay then, keep your secret," Naruto said.

* * *

Meanwhile Kiba was on his way back, his ridiculous costume now patched up, "Stupid jonin thinking he's all important and shit, ruining my costume. That wasted so much time from my first festival," he rambled on irritated.

"I swear I'm gonna-" His thoughts were interrupted by a loud high pitched scream, "What the hell?" He stopped in his tracks, "That was a woman's scream," He recognized, "I'd better go make sure she's okay," He decided partly for good and noble reasons and partly for entirely not noble reasons. Taking off towards where he heard the scream, he relied on his sense of smell which wasn't quite as good from inside the condom but it was still far beyond human standards so once he pinpointed the only scents that were in that general area it was easy.

Leaping from rooftop to rooftop, it was smelling like he was getting really close to the incident. Neither the security back at the festival nor the usual village sentries had noticed something was wrong. _I guess I just got lucky to hear it because I was out this direction._ He decided. The unmistakable stench of blood became apparent as he got closer. _Okay maybe I'm not lucky; I hope I'm not too late, this could be one of those knight and shiny armor moments._

"Ahhhh that was fucking great," a shirtless psycho practically moaned with a spike in his chest, standing in a strange circular diagram made of blood. A female corpse laid on the ground motionless with a distinct hole in an identical location as the psycho.

"What the fuck!" Kiba blurted, alerting the enemy of his presence.

The masked figure turned and saw a dumbass in a giant condom, "What the fuck?" He reiterated and grabbed his grey cloak and booked it, "Aight weirdo I'ma head out."

"Get back here you piece of shit!" Kiba barked and chased after him.

* * *

Genma leapt down to where Hiruzen was chilling, "Lord Third, we've received a report that someone was murdered about twenty minutes ago. From what I'm hearing… The assailant is being pursued by a… condom."

The face of Hashirama just stared at him, "Say what?"

"Yeah I have no idea what that means but I promise everyone was drug tested," Genma shrugged.

Shino happened to overhear, "Sirs…" He sighed, "I know who that is." _My team sucks_.

Hiruzen took another hit, "Okay, well you should be able to take care of it then."

"Excuse me?" Shino asked, unsure of what the Hokage meant.

"Grab a few genin and go take care of this matter, the adults are having fun."

"Sir… respectfully, that is a terrible idea."

"Yeah I tend to do that, anyway go on… We'll call it a B-rank go fetch me the murderer."

Genma sighed, "Why don't you just let the security handle it?"

"Nah we gotta keep this party secure. And while you're at it… Secure me some sake. This sounds like a child's problem."

" _Murder?_ " Genma stared at his boss.

"It'll be fine, they've fought murderers before. They just need to get better, this is right up a bunch of brats' alley!"

"But… We don't know if this person's a ninja or not. They could literally be a jonin! You're gonna just get a class of rookies slaughtered?"

"Don't talk to me about slaughter! I was in war!"

Genma sighed again, "Oh my God… not this again."

Hiruzen began to ramble about the horrors of war. "Permission to take a hit sir?" Genma requested.

* * *

Shikaku gathers around some of the ninja, "Alright genin, we got a job for you. We got a report of a murderer and we want you guys to take care of it. I have no idea who you kids are so I'm going to pick the most competent looking one based off of your transformations. Hmm I already know that Naruto is Lord Fourth so that rules him out."

Shino raises a hand, "Can I just handpick my own team please?"

"Less work for me, cool."

Shino pushes his glasses back up, "Shikamaru, Naruto, Neji, and Choji. Let's go."

"What!?" Sakura whines, "You didn't pick any girls!"

"Get good," Shino stated calmly and walked away.

Sasuke whispers into Shino's ear, "Bro it's me Sasuke, don't say my name just let me go with you guys. I don't want to be here."

"No problem, I thought you stayed home."

Shikaku scans the room and talks with the security, "Since we have transformations going on, be wary of who comes in. No one in here is the killer but they might try to sneak their way in here as one of the genin."

The genin group leaves the festival and wait for Neji to find a condom running around the village.

"This is such a drag," Shikamaru complains.

Naruto smirks,"The Fourth Hokage is back in action," he declared and smacked his open hand with his fist.

Sasuke undoes his transformation jutsu, "Shut up loser, you don't even know any of his jutsus."

"Oh yeah? Well you won't ever be in ANBU! Take that Sasgay!"

"Pfft, whatever. At least I don't spam one move."

"Both of you, shut the fuck up. I found Kiba and he's heading east towards us. He's about 11 blocks away so be prepared to stop whoever he's chasing," Neji informed.

Everyone turned to the sound of a family sized chip bag being opened, "Really dude? He just said he's only eleven blocks away."

"That's plenty of time!" *crunch*

"There they are! I can see them!" Naruto pointed out.

"Yeah, the rest of us found him eight seconds ago," Shino revealed.

Sasuke's sharingan glanced Shino's way, "Really? It took you all that long?"

Naruto thinks the killers outfit is for Halloween, "Oh, we're playing a game now? Now this is getting fun."

 _This is a fucking mistake,_ the killer says to himself, "Get out of my way if you don't want to be a sacrifice."

Of course Naruto thinks its a joke, "Pick me! Pick me!"

Kiba emerges from behind the killer, "Shut up and attack him Naruto!" Kiba demanded but had to abort his attack when a shuriken nearly knicked him in the face. The killer boomaranged the shuriken back to him with an attached chain.

"Damn that one was close," The murderer chuckled.

 _What a strange choice of weapon,_ Neji pondered. _What is this intended to achieve?_

The murderer is trying to figure out his escape,"Let me just get a small scratch, that's all I'm asking for. I'll stab myself after."

 _Scratch that last thought, he's just insane and carries an asinine weapon._ Neji decided.

"Does anyone know how he killed anyone with that shit weapon?" Sasuke voiced his own curiosity.

"I think he just has a blood fetish because he seemed to be enjoying the dead body more than normal, which is weird to me but I'm open to try anything," Kiba discards his costume, "Well you assholes made me remove my perfectly made costume."

Everyone stares at Kiba.

"Literally no one thought it was a good costume!" the killer yells.

"Hey fuck you dude you're about to be dead anyways!"

"For once, I can agree with my moronic teammate," Shino remarked, sneakily sending beetles towards the killer.

The killer laughs maniacally, "You will try!"

Kiba wipes milk off of his forehead, "We got this boys! Let's do this."

Before anyone else could even begin to make a move, Choji moves faster than anyone (other than Shikamaru) thought he was capable of and launched himself at the killer, "CANNONBALL!" Choji slams the guy through three buildings.

"Goddamnit Choji they haven't evacuated," Shikamaru facepalmed, and took off with Neji in that direction."

"Woo we won the first round!" Naruto fist pumped.

"Sasuke, what the fuck is wrong with him?" Kiba's eye twitched.

Sasuke sighs, "Naruto we're on a mission. Remember?"

"A fun mission"

"I hate you," Sasuke muttered and took off after the path of destruction caused by Choji.

" _Don't we all?"_ Kurama butted in.

Naruto pouted, "Killjoys."

"Over there! He's moving fine, I expected the Akimichi's attack to do more damage than that," Neji let them know.

"Watch the civilians!" Shino reminded them.

"What the hell is he doing?! Is that blood?" Sasuke questioned as the psycho appeared to be drawing something on the ground in red.

The killer grinned like he was in a chemical bliss, and snatched at his chain to recall his bloody shuriken and laughed like a nutjob, "Let's see how many people I just killed!" He laughed joyfully and _licked_ the blood.

"Woah, what the _fuck_ man," Even Kiba was disgusted.

"For LORD JASHIN!" He declared and shoved his own shuriken right into his chest.

All the rookies just stared at him mouths agape, "What the hell!" Sasuke of all people blurted.

"I thought we were playing," Naruto is confused.

Everyone ignores Naruto as the killer makes a noise that sounded like a damn orgasm, "Ohhh that was sweeet," He proclaimed and dislodged the shuriken. Several of the civilians around them were now having random ass chest wounds and bled out and the ones who were fine fled like the enemy was satan himself. Choji looks down at himself with a look that said 'oh my God I'm so lucky' and put some more distance between himself and the killer.

"Ight imma headout," Coffee ANBU proclaims.

"What? Help us! This is over our head!" Shikamaru complained.

"I'm on break," he claimed, "I wanted to watch this guy get beat but it doesn't look like it's going to go down that way. I don't want to watch you kids die, later."

"So what's our plan if this guy can just kill people by hurting himself like that?"

Shino stepped up, "Give me a few more seconds and he'll be done," he answered cryptically.

Sasuke worriedly asks, "You never do shit, what is your plan?"

"He's in enough pain and my beetles have sucking his chakra, he will not notice until he's out cold."

Kiba chuckled, "Yeah I'm sure he's used to that sucking feeling."

"Shut up and be serious Kiba or you'll die and I won't help you," Shino reprimanded him.

"Aw whatever, you can't help me if I'm dead anyway beetle-bitch," Kiba shrugged.

The killer chakra is almost drained, "Why can't I get it up right now? This is so exciting for me."

"What is he talking about?" Naruto thought aloud.

"Oh I speak that language," Kiba interjected, "You don't even want to know man."

"Gross," Sasuke muttered, "So we just got to be a distraction then. All right, nobody get hit… I'm pretty sure you won't die unless it's your blood on that shuriken," He told them, then turning to Naruto he added, "Naruto, we're playing a new game, don't get hit by the shuriken and you win."

Naruto crosses his arms in disapproval,"That's a lame prize"

Kurama let out a grunt, " _Agreed."_

The killer is drowsy and attempts to throw his shuriken thing but knicks himself and he's unaware that it's his blood and licks it, "This is some high quality blood. Wait why can't I activate my powers? The fuck, am I retarded?"

Kurama is laughing over the stupidity going on, " _Not as retarded as Naruto"_

"You drink other people's blood not even knowing what diseases they have… I'm gonna go with a 'yes' on that!" Neji mocked him.

"I'll try to capture him so that there's no more bloodshed," Shikamaru told them, "You guys create an opening and Shino will do the rest."

"Dude, you've been here the entire time and could have saved some of the civilians," Neji noted.

"I was tired from carrying Choji's stupid ass fridge, I needed time to gain my strength."

"It was a vital prop! Also, I was hungry."

Sasuke was tired of all the idiots he was acquainted with and moved in by himself, inhaling a deep breath and waving handsigns, "Fire style: Fireball jutsu!" He turned it up a notch.

The Jashinist didn't even flinch, taking the entirety of that jutsu head on. Unfortunately, what Sasuke didn't realize was he created a smoke screen for the enemy to use their weapon. He barely caught sight of it with his sharingan avoided getting struck by it.

"You almost lost Sasgay!" Naruto called out confidently and prepared to charge in with a bunch of shadow clones.

"I thought you said a few seconds, Shino," Sasuke complained.

"Well perhaps his apparent immortality is causing him to be more resistant than normal," Shino hypothesized, "Just keep up what your doing."

Naruto thinks to himself, _hmm Sasuke said if I get hit, I lose but he didn't say anything about my shadow clones,_ "Shadow clone jutsu," a flood of Minato-Naruto's appear and all of them aim to grab the killer. Kiba popped a solider pill and stayed nearby keeping track of which was the real Naruto in case he needed to intervene and save him.

"Perfect, now all I need to do is shadow possess him," Shikamaru prepares to use his jutsu.

The Jashinist turned out to be an adept taijutsu fighter all well however and was making very quick work of Naruto's clone brigade. Unbeknownst to Shikamaru, the enemy had been looking out for his shadow jutsu all along, well aware of the threat it presented and launched the shuriken right through a shadow clone perfectly towards the Nara to disrupt the entrapment. Shikamaru summer sualted under it but the killer just smirked and tugged on the chain hard to make it loop back around.

Shikamaru deflected the shuriken part but found himself tangled up by the chain and the killer eliminated the last clone and darted in that direction. "Damn it!" Before the killer made it there however, Neji swooped in and cut right through the chain with his gentle fist, ruining the weapon altogether and freeing his comrade.

"You couldn't have done that sooner?" Kiba complained, hurling a wave of kunai at the killer.

"To be honest, I wasn't taking that weapon seriously when we got here," Neji admitted.

" _I don't blame him, it looks like some toy from the value shop,_ " Kurama pointed out.

"Kiba why isn't Akamaru here?" Shino questioned.

"Dude I wasn't stuffing my dog in my giant condom."

"That… Actually makes sense."

Sasuke is getting irritated, "Shino, you fucking eat ass, hurry up and drain his chakra!" he yells at him while him and Naruto are exchanging blows with the killer.

Choji meanwhile inhaled his sixth chip bag of the battle, "Okay my cannonball jutsu is ready again!"

"No, you're going to bulldoze the village again," Neji smirked.

"Choji that's literally how civilians died earlier," Shikamaru deadpanned.

"Wait so I've been eating all these chips for no reason?"

"...Yes."

"Oh, well okay then," He shrugged and opened bag number seven causing Kiba to facepalm.

"I have also been getting beetles while the other beetles were doing their thing, now I got a massive swarm for him. This should definitely drain his chakra or we are all dead," Shino launches his swarm of beetles.

The killer is grossed out, "Oh, god no, I HATE bugs!"

"That's fucking retarded; you can't get grossed out if you drink blood!"

The beetles don't even believe he's a real human and start eating the Jashinist alive in front of everyone, "Uhh, I guess that works too…" a horrified Shino said.

Kiba however was elated, "BONES!"

"I hate Halloween now," Sasuke grunted and shoved his hands in his pockets.

* * *

"And that's what happened," Shino finished telling the Hokage, the rest of the guys behind him.

"Hey, are we getting billed for their therapy?" Hiruzen questions his advisor

"We don't even pay their medical bills sir, we just hope we don't get sued any time soon."

"Whatever, if they try to sue us, Danzo can finally be useful."

The Coffee ANBU sips his drink, "Yeah he can finally be like me."

"We don't need therapy!" Sasuke hissed, he hated therapy ever since his family's massacre.

"Well he certainly does," a random chunin points at Kiba who wasn't even bothering to stand for the Hokage and was lying on the floor gnawing on a leg bone.

" _Hm… I reside inside an idiot. Do I qualify?"_

"All right, you guys are dismissed," Hiruzen yawned, "Someone send flowers to the loved ones and schedule a memorial service. And tell Kakashi not to whine about not being apart of it."

"SASUKEEE!" _two_ female voice cooed.

"Shit, I'm out!" He bolted.

Naruto sighed, "Well I guess it's time to go home. That was an interesting holiday I can't believe I never celebrated it before!"

 **Happy Halloween!**


	17. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

 _ **A/N:**_ **Apologies for the wait, busy ass holiday spamming time of the year lol Enjoy**

Naruto and Jiraiya have been arguing since the morning about their impending arrival at the Leaf village, "They won't recognize me if I'm not wearing my patented clothing!"

Jiraiya sighed in disappointment, "If they don't recognize you, I'll buy you ramen for life."

"Worth it," is all Naruto had to say.

Some random gate guard, "Hey its Jiraiya and his student, Naruto."

Naruto throws a fit, "Hey not fair, you're using some kind of genjutsu. Hey guard, how did you recognize me?"

The guard squints at him, "Well for starters, you have whiskers on your face… And no one else in the village wears as much orange as you do. Dumbass."

Jiraiya gets defensive, "Hey you don't get to say that to him. You don't even have a name. Hell, you're so unimportant they gave you Kotetsu's and Izumo's job."

The guard starts to contemplate life.

" _The guard did nothing wrong,"_ Kurama commented.

They officially enter the village and Kotetsu and Izumo are spotted chasing cats for their daily income. Shino is also near the gate and sees that Naruto has arrived and approaches him, "I see that you're back from your training; training under a legendary sannin must have been fruitful."

Naruto is confused on who the hell is speaking to him, "Uh huh, yeah. Uhh who are you?"

Jiraiya glares at Naruto, "You have become the very thing you didn't want to happen to you; I honestly have no clue on who this kid is, but all I do know is that he was your classmate and I'm out, its club time."

Shino thinks to himself, _am I really that unnoticeable? Or is he just that stupid?_

"Oh yeah you're the bug fucker," Naruto finally remembered.

Shino to himself again, _maybe it was best for him not to remember._

Naruto nodded remembering what Kiba once said before, "You have a bunch of bugs you let _inside_ you. Pretty creepy," he turns to Jiraiya and whispers, "I don't know why I'm supposed to say 'inside' like that."

Jiraiya sighs, turns around and leaves.

"Kiba, I hate you," Shino grumbled.

* * *

"Home sweet home!" Naruto's mood elevated as he turned the key to his apartment and entered. His face faulted instantaneously when he found that the lights were on. _Did I SERIOUSLY leave those on for like two and a half YEARS?_ To make matters worse, the Kyuubi found it amusing.

" _You're a buffoon, you can't even leave without screwing something up. You haven't been making any money in the meantime either,"_ he cackled.

"Shut up Fuzzball Drunken Triple D covered the bills… I just… Can't believe I did that," facepalmed Naruto.

" _Why not? You pay absolutely zero attention to detail."_

"...You're the one who was careless enough to get stuffed inside a baby," Naruto retorted and needless to say the Kyuubi's response was not pleasant. The roar in Naruto's mindscape made him wince.

Naruto dropped his bag on the couch but stopped right in his tracks afterwards. _Wait a minute…_ His place wasn't how he left it. Certain items were moved around if only slightly. There were items he did not recognize at all for that matter lying on his table or on the kitchen counter. Oh and then there was the stuff on the _floor,_ none of which he recognized, from feminine clothes far too small to fit him to empty bottles of juice he never tried to a purple brush and handheld mirror.

Something was verrry fucking wrong. "What the hell; I don't live like a pig!"

"What was THAT?!" An angry voice put Naruto on his guard emerging from the other room. Another blonde came from the extra bedroom with a glare that completely washed away when she saw him, "Oh shit. Naruto… You're supposed to be back next week…" She laughed awkwardly, "Or so I was told… I mean, yeah," she averted her eyes, "That's what I heard."

"Ino? You scared the shit out of me!" Naruto vented revealing a kunai in his hand which he promptly stashed away. "We made it back just now; we're a little early but it's not like I'm Kakashi so that shouldn't be a big deal. More importantly… Why are you in my house?"

"I… Might have been living here for like say… A year now," Ino said with a diplomatic tone.

"...But _why_?" Naruto demanded, dumbfounded.

"Because!" Ino got excited, "Sakura moved out on her own so I had to because she didn't let me move in!"

Naruto's eye twitched, "How the hell does that turn into 'hey let's just crash Naruto's place!'" his voice dripped with sarcasm.

"Well you weren't using it! And… It was free. And we're friends so I figured-"

"What!?" Naruto couldn't believe this, "You don't just _figure_ to jack my apartment for a year. What the fuck! Who else has been here?!"

Ino stared back at him offended, "I didn't entertain! There weren't any sleepovers or something! Geez give me some credit here."

" _No_! I will not!"

Ino clapped her hands together and pleaded with him, "Come on Naruto I'll make it up to you! I'm sorry you're so mad to be honest I'm surprised. You just have to understand how competitive things are between me and Forehead-girl! It's literally just like you and Sasuke used to be!" Ino regretted that comment immediately and covered her mouth, she had no idea how Naruto would react to Sasuke's name being mentioned.

"Sasuke…" He repeated, a slight smile creeping onto his lips, "I wonder how strong that bastard is," He commented and made his way to the kitchen.

Ino nearly fell over. _Seriously!? Did he just forget all about the apartment thing!?_

Naruto stopped in front of his microwave and just stared at it. Ino watched from the other side of the counter completely lost, "Soo… Are we done talking abou-"

"You need to move out," Naruto didn't bother to let her finish, "I never said you could stay here!"

"But where am I supposed to go!" She retorted hotly, hands on hips.

"I don't know? Go back where you belong? Your parents place…" He turned around and stared at her.

"I can't!"

"You mean you don't want to," Naruto sweatdropped.

"No. Well, kind of? Look I can't do that or Sakura won!"

"That's moronic!"

"..."

"..."

Kurama chuckled, " _I think it's hitting her that you're calling her out for being the dumb one. That must feel unimaginably painful."_ Naruto didn't even bother acknowledging his prick of a tenant.

"Can I have a week?" She got on her knees and begged, "I'll find another way! I promise! And I'll compensate you."

Naruto sighed, "One week…?"

"I promise! Look, I was already planning on moving out because you were supposed to show up next week! So it's not going to be a problem making arrangements!"

"Your going to owe me _a lot_ ," Naruto rubbed his temple.

"Whoo!" Ino cheered and pumped her fist.

 _Ay, Kurama, I hope you know a big part of why I'm letting her stay a little while is to annoy the shit out of you, asshole._ He received nothing more than a growl in response from Kurama.

"First thing I want… Is for you to show me where Sakura moved to."

* * *

"Lord Kazekage," a jonin kneeled before Gaara who was gazing over his paperwork from the Kazekage office.

"What is it?"

"It's… Kankuro."

Gaara sighed, "I see. Bring him to me."

A moment later the jonin returns with an anxious Kankuro, "Gaara! The village is in danger!"

"Kankuro… We've been over this. You have got to stop," Gaara turned to look him in the eye.

"What?" Kankuro replied, confused, "Oh… You think I'm- No seriously I'm clean! This is really happening we're under attack!"

"Have you been going to your therapy sessions? I know I have you do a lot of work so you might not have an adequate amount of free time. Should I put you on leave so you can get some help?"

"I'm CLEAN!" Kankuro grit his teeth, "Just listen to me; the village is under attack right now by a bunch of exploding clay birds!

"Please, we're trying to help you man. DMT is a serious thing and we're going to help you overcome it," The jonin tried to assist the Kazekage.

Kankuro growled in annoyance, "SERIOUSLY, GO OUTSIDE!"

"Indoor voice Kankuro," Gaara scolded him, "You need to calm down. We'll get you some water and I'll take you to your home so you can get some sleep and let the hallucigen wear off."

"For the last time I'm clean!" Kankuro facepalmed.

A raucous explosion made the building rumble, "...See," Kankuro made a gesture of annoyance with his hands.

The trio rushed to the rooftop and Gaara quickly identified a large clay hawk with a blonde long haired asshole flying it. Gaara crosses his arms nonchalantly and a bunch of sand shoots up from the village ground but the person flying it was far more skilled than he anticipated. For a piece of clay, the bird was quite maneuverable too.

Gaara huffed the slightest hint of annoyance, he hated the ones that made him actually wave his hands in order to capture them. Gaara's motions soon trapped the assailant but just as he thought he won the bird blew up, "What?" Gaara uttered, what kind of idiotic kamikaze attack was that?

He then heard a sharp whistle, "Over here smart guy; you're supposed to be the Kazekage I expect more from you!" Gaara turned to see a different clay bird with the same man, gazing down at the three sand ninja with supreme confidence.

"Who are you?" Gaara demanded.

"I'm an artist! Hn!"

"..."

"...That, really doesn't fill in any blanks," the jonin answered for Gaara.

The assailant's smile grew wider, "All you need to know is my name is Deidara and I'll be taking you," He pointed to single out Gaara, "And the One-tail inside you for Akatsuki purposes! We can do this the hard way or we can do this the fun way and have an art festival right in the middle of your village!"

"I like art," Kankuro commented.

"Hn, what would you know of the ultimate sublime greatness?"

"My face is art."

Deidara's eyes widened maniacally, "I've decided for you. Art festival it is!" He made a handsign and five buildings explode.

"NO!" Kankuro screamed.

"THAT IS MY ART! TAKE IT IN YOUR SOUL! ONE INSTANT OF ART! AN INSTANT OF SUBLIMITY. "

"What the fuck man! Explosions aren't art! My warpaint is art!"

Deidara grinned, "Then I'll just have to make your face explode! Hn!" He spat clay out of his hand at Kankuro and smirked when he detonated it but Gaara's powers put up a wall to shield him at the last second.

"I won't allow this," Gaara said simply, arms crossed.

"That was close," The jonin commented, "We've got to be careful."

"That is painfully obvious," Kankuro deadpanned.

Deidara chuckled at his declaration, "I am SO glad we're actually doing this! I love showcasing my art on a grand stage."

"Do you ever stop talking?" Gaara blandly eyed him. Why was it so common that the most powerful ninja were this weird?

"You- What the?" Deidara was cut off by the unexpected appearance of a puppet sneaking up from behind him and locking him inside.

"Tch, what a loudmouth fool. Pfft art. What a load of-" Kankuro hit the deck before finishing his statement when the puppet was blown to smithereens.

"God damn it my puppet!"

Mocking laughter came from their flank, "You know… I was wondering why my partner followed me in here but now I see that its all just a lousy coincidence. You better not try to tell me that you think that piece of shit is art too I will blow this entire village straight to hell," Deidara warned Kankuro indignantly.

"Partner?" Gaara, Kankuro and the other jonin all caught Deidara's slip.

Gaara stepped forward, "You guys go find his partner."

"Lord Kazekage? Are you sure?" The jonin wasn't a fan of the idea of leaving him to fight alone, "Where are the ANBU?"

"I'm afraid they won't be coming to rescue anyone…" Deidara revealed casually, "Something paid each of them a little visit… But at least they each one of their miserable existences was made surreal for one moment, hn!"

"What the hell is he talking about?"

"Just go," Gaara insisted, "I will handle this."

* * *

Naruto and Ino make their way to 'Bitch-ass-Sakura's' as Ino called her apartment, "Why couldn't you just tell me how to get here?"

Ino smirked, "You would have just gotten lost, idiot."

"Hmm, hey why don't you get us some food while I catch up with her," Naruto hands her money.

Ino agrees and goes off to get some food and Naruto uses the transformation jutsu and transforms into Ino, "Look who's an idiot now."

Naruto knocks on Sakura's door and she opens, "Oh hey Ino, I wasn't expecting you to come by. Uh come inside."

"I haven't seen you in a bit, you know."

Sakura is confused, "We spoke this morning…"

Naruto facepalms hard, "Yeah…"As he makes his way inside, he notices how much dirty clothing is on the floor, "Do you even clean your place?"

Sakura glares at the fake Ino, "What do you mean, you treat your room way worse than mine."

Naruto got offended, "No I don't, I'm not a fucking pig."

"God, you're such a cunt today. You must be on your period."

Naruto is now genuinely confused, "What's a period?"

Sakura goes up Naruto and releases his jutsu, "You fucking perv," she grabs Naruto and opens her front door and yeets him across the village.

Ino was making her way back to Sakura's apartment and sees Naruto being thrown, "Haha, I knew that would happen."

Fortunately for Naruto, he happened to land on Hyuga property and Hinata obviously faints upon seeing a random Naruto landing on her land. Neji is just standing there looking at both Naruto and Hinata on the ground and cannot fathom what the hell just happened.

Naruto was knocked out cold by the landing and it has been about an hour and he has been transferred to guest room and Hinata is just sitting by waiting for him to wake up, "I-I can't believe I-I get to take care of N-Naruto"

Naruto sniffs his pillow, "Wait a minute, this doesn't smell like Doritos."

Hinata covers her mouth, "H-hi Naruto."

"Where am I? I don't remember the hospital looking like this"

"Y-you're in my h-house and you've o-only been like this for about an hour."

Naruto grabbing his head, "Huh? How? Last thing I remembered was me getting hit by a pink monster."

"Well y-you landed here and I-I took you in to make sure you were properly cared for," Hinata starts to blush and thinking too much about how much she wants Naruto.

"Hmm, why is your face red?"

Hiashi comes into the room, "I told you once he is awake, he is supposed to leave."

"He just woke up though."

"Yeah and he should be on his way, he must be busy after training with Jiraiya for three years."

Naruto unsure what to say, "I think I had to go see Drunken Triple D today. Thanks for having me? It's apparently been an hour and I don't know what to say…" Naruto to himself and Kurama, _This place has such thin walls._

Kurama tired of being watched by the obsessive Hyuga, " _And somehow your brain is smaller. Let's get out of here, that girl has gotten weirder."_

* * *

Naruto and Jiraiya finally make their way to the Hokage's office to report how Naruto's training went after three years.

Jiraiya recollected, "We could not figure out how to control the Nine-tailed beast early on, I even had a near death experience trying to calm Naruto down. I decided that his best course of action would be to learn sage jutsu and we have only scratched the surface so far."

"I don't like eating bugs," Naruto shivers.

Kurama thinks to himself _Well maybe if you would have spent less time looking at strippers, this dumbass of a child would be further ahead in his training._

Naruto notices Sakura in the room "Oh yeah, Sakura how has your training gone?."

Tsunade speaks up before Sakura can respond, "She has advanced very well. She may even become stronger than I one day."

Kurama lashes out, " _How useful is a dead medic ninja? She's completely useless! Naruto, let them know she's retarded."_

Naruto looks at his stomach, "Stop talking."

Tsunade glares at Jiraiya, "Is this normal for him to act up? Why did I allow him to train under you."

Jiraiya sighed as he has to explain that Naruto is talking to Kurama "He's talking to the beast, you'll get used to it after a while."

Kakashi stops reading Jiraiya's new book, "Things make a lot more sense now. How did I not figure that out?"

Tsunade "So you're telling me, you, his other master did not know he talked talks to the Nine-tails?"

Kakashi confused, "What? I'm talking about this book. This is better than our clubs."

" _A room full of degenerates."_

* * *

Kankuro laid flat on the sandy terrain in the outskirts of his beloved village, fully paralyzed, "H-How did I let this happen? Just who the hell is he?"

The strange cloaked figure stared down his victim with disinterest, "Right now you're probably wondering how I was able to read and appropriately counter each of your attacks. Since you are undoubtedly going to die anyway, I will allow you to know. To be honest you humored me… Coming out here with all that confidence, intending to take me down with my own puppets."

Kankuro's eyes widened, "What!?"

"Yes that's right… I am Sasori of the Red Sand."

"Y-You… You're the Hidden Sand's greatest traitor. Why have you come back? Why are you trying to destroy the village you once swore to protect!?" Kankuro demanded angrily, he would've pounded the ground with a fist if he could budge a muscle.

"Destroy the village? You assume too much; that is not our purpose for being here. Once we take the One-tail jinchuriki in our custody we will leave. This is simply business."

At that revelation Kankuro felt a pang in his heart, "No, you can't! We of the Hidden Sand won't be pushed around that easily! You can't take Gaara!"

Sasori turned away from the poisoned puppeteer and went about his business, "There's nothing you can do about it; I give you three days to live before my poison kills you off for good. No cure exists, your time has passed. I'll be leaving now to meet up with my partner; I don't like to keep people waiting; unless it's to die of course."

"N-No…" Kankuro's vision began to blur, "...Bastard," His conscious faded.

Meanwhile at the epicenter of the village…

Gaara and Deidara had been engaged in a long ranged stalemate for quite some time now, with Deidara flying a new clay bird and Gaara using the terrain of his homeland to his advantage but Deidara's creation was too fast for his sand. The Kazekage was uneasy but his confidence was unwavering. Deidara meanwhile was just having a _blast._

Deidara grinned away as he yelled at the Kazekage, "This has been really fun but I'm afraid my partner doesn't like to be kept waiting and I hate listening to him whine about it… So I guess I'll have to use my-" Whatever Deidara was about to say was interrupted when a Sand jonin thought it would be a good idea to try and help Gaara out by launching a wind scythe jutsu at the Akatsuki member, clipping the bird's wing. Unfortunately, Deidara was unfazed by this, and merely guided the bird so that he would now be on a crash course towards the Kazekage tower with an arrogant smirk plastered on his face.

"Damn you…" Gaara grunted and put up a massive sand wall in Deidara's path now that he won't be able to elevate over it. Deidara easily was able to leap over the wall but the bird rammed straight into it, and was swallowed up by Gaara's sand, suffocating the explosion and preventing the destruction of the Kazekage tower.

Well, for about five seconds anyway. Because immediately after, as Gaara looked around for any sign of the Akatsuki assassin, the Kazekage tower blew up anyway, "Dick move," Gaara grumbled.

Several jonin gathered at Gaara's position, "Lord Kazekage," They awaited orders.

"Find him," Gaara grunted, highly agitated. What was the point of his retreat and all this destruction? Wasn't Gaara himself the target?

The jonin didn't get very far before a chain of explosions was set off down an entire street that intersected the remains of the Kazekage tower, "That bastard!" One of the jonin stomped, "Follow the trail!"

Yes, because that totally wasn't going to be a trap- Oh fuck it. He was Gaara. He had the ultimate defense on his side. Gaara and his squad of elites rushed to the scene on high alert. He was confident that he could protect these men with all of the sand he had at his disposal. That assassin was a complete fool to underestimate the disadvantage of fighting Gaara in a fucking _desert_. It would be fine, -he was sure of it- until his foot made contact with something foreign under the sand and everything flashed before them. _A landmine?_

 ***BOOM***

Deidara cackled maniacally in triumph, "Glorious! Did you FEEL my art, Kazekage!? Hn!" Before he could continue on an annoying monologue about art he began coughing profusely from the sand he accidentally inhaled from the aftermath of his jutsu, "Damn it," He practically choked, "Why the hell do people choose to live here, anyway?" He coughed some more.

Once he felt normal again he smirked and looked down at the unconscious Kazekage proudly, and prepared another bird to transport his wounded hostage.

* * *

The following day in Konoha, the Hokage received word of an attack in the Sunagakure village and summoned a squad immediately.

Naruto busts through the doorway, "I got here as quick as I could. I kinda slept in today so I had to get a few things together."

Sakura irritated over her squad being late, "And yet you still made it here before Kakashi..."

"Well of course I did… Have some faith," Naruto deadpanned.

" _They should avoid that at all cost."_

Naruto ignored the Kyuubi this time, "They called it an emergency, what's the situation?"

Temari grit her teeth and answered in an aggressive tone, "The situation is… If your sensei doesn't get his ass here in the next five minutes I'm going to ask Lady Hokage for permission to lead this squad and go on ahead of him!"

Naruto stares at the pissed Sand kunoichi, "Do I know you?" He asks dumbly.

"dO I kNoW yOu," Temari repeated in a mocking voice, "We were in the same chunin exams three years ago and I thought you were a complete idiot."

Naruto squints, "Wait… You're my brother's sister! Wait… That means you're my sister."

"Moron," The entire room turned against Naruto.

Kakashi bursts through the door, "I forgot my book here last night."

"YOU'RE LATE!" Sakura and Naruto yelled at him.

"Is this seriously the best the Leaf can spare us!?" Temari's eye twitched.

Tsunade sighed, "I can assure you he's good, just a perverted twit like Jiraiya."

"Naruto," Sakura addressed her teammate, "Why didn't Ino come with you? Isn't she still leeching off of you."

Naruto rolled his eyes, "She has until the week's over or I get to strangle her. But actually she was already gone by the time I received the message; I think the Ino-Shika-Cho squad had some stuff going on today."

"Normally we would send another team, but we're short staffed; there is a team I have in mind to back you guys up but they won't likely be in the village for another day. Nevertheless, I intend to send them after you."

Tsunade swipes the book, , "Kakashi, you're leaving that here. We can't have you distracted like last time."

"But you still haven't told me what's going on?" Kakashi gave the Hokgake a single puppy dog eye.

"I'll explain on the way," the seething Temari cut in, these buffoons were taking _forever._

"Don't worry sensei, I'm sure there will be an opportunity to die on this mission," Sakura informed him, instantly altering Kakashi's attitude.

"Really?" Kakashi now intrigued, "Well we best get a move on already!"

Naruto nearly fell over, some things never changed.

Kurama grins, " _Yeah and you're still a complete idiot._ "

"Good luck," Tsunade wished them and the squad headed outside.

"All right! My first mission in two years! LET'S GO!" Naruto tried to lead them out.

"Idiot, Suna is _that_ way," Sakura grabbed him by the ear and spun him around. Secretly she too was very excited even though technically a member of team seven was missing. " _CHAAA LET'S FUCKING GO!"_ Inner Sakura screeched.

"Oww…" He complained and Temari took off, the others following suite, Naruto the last.

 _ **A/N:**_ **Ah finally Shippuden! Sooo excited to dive into this hopefully our next update is a lot quicker. Til next time**


End file.
